Reconcile
I wrote this a few weeks ago, because as always, I needed it to be anywhere but in my head. But it remained unfinished. I thought that perhaps with time maybe something would change, but re-reading the words, nothing has. So here I am, and here are my words...
Being asked why I choose to keep you in my life. What good are you to me? What is it that you bring to my life? What have you ever done for me? I can't think of an answer. Not a single one. That's never a good sign. So I try to think on what has come before, if I don't know why you're in my life now I know there has to be a reason you were there to begin with. Only, that's proving difficult too. I remember my smile, how the very thought of you made me smile. That seems so long ago now.
Trying to convince myself that it's more than that stubborn perseverence that runs through me. I can't have been that wrong about you for so long. There had to be some part of you that was worth something, that was worth all this time. I had to have seen something under that mask you wear that made me want you in my life, that made me think you had a place in it. Balance. Where we were once the opposite sides of the same coin, now I hear exactly what you say though they are not the words you speak. Struggling to persuade myself that those who surround me are wrong about you. But even I can't deny what is so obvious, not anymore.
The presence of others dissuades me. One in particular. If I have them in my life, this unbelievably amazing person who is grateful that they've been shown even a part of my world - then what are you doing in it? If this person thinks that I'm worth a damn, then I must be. And there's the realisation. It's not about you anymore, it's about me. It doesn't matter who you are, I deserve better. I deserve someone who sees me...someone who sees me the way I used to see you. As someone worth knowing.
I know that there was a promise made, so long ago I can't even remember what the exact pact was. I think I'm going to have to break it. Know that you're exactly who I always believed you to be; despite what anyone else thought, it was always enough. Only, others were willing to show me I was worth more.
Being asked why I choose to keep you in my life. What good are you to me? What is it that you bring to my life? What have you ever done for me? I can't think of an answer. Not a single one. That's never a good sign. So I try to think on what has come before, if I don't know why you're in my life now I know there has to be a reason you were there to begin with. Only, that's proving difficult too. I remember my smile, how the very thought of you made me smile. That seems so long ago now.
Trying to convince myself that it's more than that stubborn perseverence that runs through me. I can't have been that wrong about you for so long. There had to be some part of you that was worth something, that was worth all this time. I had to have seen something under that mask you wear that made me want you in my life, that made me think you had a place in it. Balance. Where we were once the opposite sides of the same coin, now I hear exactly what you say though they are not the words you speak. Struggling to persuade myself that those who surround me are wrong about you. But even I can't deny what is so obvious, not anymore.
The presence of others dissuades me. One in particular. If I have them in my life, this unbelievably amazing person who is grateful that they've been shown even a part of my world - then what are you doing in it? If this person thinks that I'm worth a damn, then I must be. And there's the realisation. It's not about you anymore, it's about me. It doesn't matter who you are, I deserve better. I deserve someone who sees me...someone who sees me the way I used to see you. As someone worth knowing.
I know that there was a promise made, so long ago I can't even remember what the exact pact was. I think I'm going to have to break it. Know that you're exactly who I always believed you to be; despite what anyone else thought, it was always enough. Only, others were willing to show me I was worth more.