Prayer
Why does going over to Ben's house crying and begging sound so freakin appealing?
Why can't I keep happy?
Why can't I accept that this isn't a mistake Ben will realize and fix soon?
Why can't I let go and be happy with everything else in my life? My relationship isn't my life, but damnit, this break up is consuming me. I've seriously contemplated trying to talk to Ben again, becoming his friend super quick to win him back, waiting for him for however it takes, laying down and forgetting about love entirely, and just laying down and dying. All of it. Every one of those thoughts has run through my head and I feel crazy for it. All my logic tells me this is ok, this is for the better, things will GET BETTER. But then I see him. Downtown, or at school, or even just drive by his old house, and all of that trying, all of that convincing and conviction to move on is gone, and all I want is Ben to grab me and kiss me and tell me it'll all be ok.
God, I want to let him go. I don't want to want him anymore. Just let me go of this and I swear I'll do anything. I'll never love again if that's what it takes, but I can't take this much longer.
I dunno what to do...
Why can't I keep happy?
Why can't I accept that this isn't a mistake Ben will realize and fix soon?
Why can't I let go and be happy with everything else in my life? My relationship isn't my life, but damnit, this break up is consuming me. I've seriously contemplated trying to talk to Ben again, becoming his friend super quick to win him back, waiting for him for however it takes, laying down and forgetting about love entirely, and just laying down and dying. All of it. Every one of those thoughts has run through my head and I feel crazy for it. All my logic tells me this is ok, this is for the better, things will GET BETTER. But then I see him. Downtown, or at school, or even just drive by his old house, and all of that trying, all of that convincing and conviction to move on is gone, and all I want is Ben to grab me and kiss me and tell me it'll all be ok.
God, I want to let him go. I don't want to want him anymore. Just let me go of this and I swear I'll do anything. I'll never love again if that's what it takes, but I can't take this much longer.
I dunno what to do...