='(
i dont understand, last nite wen all this shyt happend with chris tellin me he only wanted to b friends, i was fine.. it didnt relle bother me and i was ok and all. But i guess me stayin home today wasnt a smart thing to do bcuz ow im sitting here thinking about wat RELLE happend last nite. I guess it just didnt hit me till now. But w0w how much i miss him rite now. I kno i sed i felt pressured by his friends and all and about him sayign if i changed he wuld break up with me... but honestly our relationship wasnt based on sex or ANYTHING!!! fuk y did i do wat i did in the first place. I've lost something relle meaning full to me and idk wat made me do wat i did. I mean it hit me that our relationship didnt have to b based on sex wen i thought of my cousin and her bf, they've been together for 2 years now and they havent done ANYTHING passed 2nd base =(. Fuk if only i culd say sorry for all the shyt ive done and all the mistakes ive done in this relationship to get him bak i wuld. But nothing i say can make him come bak to me, cuz he says if we get bak together the more hes gunna become more clingy to me and then wen i leave hes gunna b hurt even more. and i bet his best friend Carlos is happy as fuk that Chris and i rnt gettin bak together bcuz he hates me with a freakin passion. But w0w honestly i dont care wat ne one else tells me.. bcuz i relle fukin like this kid and i hate that everytime i think about him i break down into tears. IM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I FUKED UP! i relle am. I didnt realize wat i had rite in front of me till i lost it, and i hate to say this bcuz i kno this is how he wants me to feel or wuld like to kno this is how i feel. U kno another thing is that he was honestly the best bf i ever had and he respected my choices very much... W0W WTF IS WRONG WITH ME! i think its best if i stay away from guys for the rest of this year.. but w0w do i relle beyond fukin meanings want chris bak. Wenever i had an argument with my dad, he was there to make me smile and make me feel safe. Why cant i be this open and tell him all my feelings wen we're talkin? I kno that if i were to tell him all this i would start cryin and thats the last thing i need to b doin with him on the fone, even though i kno he would make me feel like it was ok and that he was there 4 me. i relle wish i culd erase everything that happend and go bak to wat we were b4, i honestly never felt so safe, warm, loved, and special with anyone else. And i wrote him a poem 2 or 3 days before we broke up and i sed i meant everything but then i broke up with him (hard to understand i kno). But i did and i still DO mean EVERYTHING i sed in that poem.
Ive sed wat ive been wanting to say since last nite... w0w this relle made me cry. =( but ive opened up my heart to all of u and even this damn computer lol. =) << first smile since i started writing this.
ps-chris if ur reading this im relle sorry for everything and i relle want to talk to u about all this. So if im not online then plz call me. =/ R u happy that im now open about my feelings? =/