(no subject)
I dont know whats really going on with me lately.. things have changed, and while theyre not much worse than before, I'm stuck in the place that I dont know how to get out of..
I've been thinking alot about where I am right now, my school, my classes, and my house.. and NH.. I'm just not sure If I'm meant to stay here, I have at least 2 more years of school left, I wanted to take classes full time this summer to hopefully catch up becasue right now I'm 6 classes "behind", and if I go part time next semester too then I will be almost a whole year behind.. Yesterday I went to visit Cathy (bursar at my school) and we had a nice convo about it not being a big deal to be in school longer than 4 years, how her son was in school for 5 years, the first thing she said to me was "but emily, Behind in what?" and we descussed it and she made me realize that its more important that I'm getting my education at my own pace and its not about how quickly you graduate. my uncle Sam had said that to me my freshman year, he said to take my time and enjoy being in art school while I can, so I guess what Cathy told me I knew all along, and prob could have figured out on my own.. but for some reason I still feel stuck, like I'm moving in slow motion, like I'm standing almost still and everything is fast-forwarding around me.. I'm dreading the real world yet i find myself yearning to be in it. I dread being completely independant, yet I want to break away from this dependancy on my parents and other people, like it will make our relationships that much better..
Then theres this location: I love the people here, most of them at least, everyone is nice, and its pretty cool, despite its drama and not so nice quirks, living with 16 other girls. I think Its awesome that 2 of my roommates are dating 2 of Tims room mates, so I've been spending a signifcant amount of time with the 2 of them. I just dont know if i can handle much more of this house.. The drama, the stuff that always breaks, or clogs, or overflows, rain in the kitchen, DISHES. The girls are pretty cool, corey and steph are awesome, and Ruby Cappy and nickel are so adorable.. but i dont know if i want to be here. things are going to change next sem, Tim will be graduated and back home, or where ever his job takes him, he wont be at DWC anymore so we wont be able to hang out there.. If i still live in this house I'll never see him because he wont be able to visit for more that a couple hours. The rules in this house make sense, but get ridiculous.. like guests leaving at 10:00 ON THE DOT, not 10:01. I could make a list of everything that bothers me in this house but I wont. basically I need a change, a change in environment, and a change in rules, I've been here for 3 years and this is about as much as I can handle.
I want my own apartment. I want to be in a bigger city. I want to be able to explore whether i have a vehicle or not. I want to be able to walk everywhere, and be able to take the subway and get accross the city. be able to get on the train and be anywhere in a couple hours or less. I want to have more landscape to take pictures of, be closer to the water, and spend time wandering around art museums and galleries. I never go to boston because i have to plan it, and its costs more money just to get there..
I've been looking at some other schools in Boston, RI, and even NYC.. dont get me wrong, I love my school I just dont know if i want to spend 2 more years here.. it seems that my main problem, which seems to be the source for alot of things, is money, I cant get enough loans, and the costs for most other art schools is at least a few thousand more than my school.. but on the contrary my school is going up, and housing is 2500 for the semester, and supposively going up 1,000 next sem.. for internet.
i think that money causes way to much problems. I absolutely LOVE film with a passion and I will never stop using it, but if I had or could afford a DSLR things would be that much easier for me. ugh.
okay this is enough.. I could keep ranting all day.
I prob just hope for to much, or ask for too much but idk what to do.
love, me.
I've been thinking alot about where I am right now, my school, my classes, and my house.. and NH.. I'm just not sure If I'm meant to stay here, I have at least 2 more years of school left, I wanted to take classes full time this summer to hopefully catch up becasue right now I'm 6 classes "behind", and if I go part time next semester too then I will be almost a whole year behind.. Yesterday I went to visit Cathy (bursar at my school) and we had a nice convo about it not being a big deal to be in school longer than 4 years, how her son was in school for 5 years, the first thing she said to me was "but emily, Behind in what?" and we descussed it and she made me realize that its more important that I'm getting my education at my own pace and its not about how quickly you graduate. my uncle Sam had said that to me my freshman year, he said to take my time and enjoy being in art school while I can, so I guess what Cathy told me I knew all along, and prob could have figured out on my own.. but for some reason I still feel stuck, like I'm moving in slow motion, like I'm standing almost still and everything is fast-forwarding around me.. I'm dreading the real world yet i find myself yearning to be in it. I dread being completely independant, yet I want to break away from this dependancy on my parents and other people, like it will make our relationships that much better..
Then theres this location: I love the people here, most of them at least, everyone is nice, and its pretty cool, despite its drama and not so nice quirks, living with 16 other girls. I think Its awesome that 2 of my roommates are dating 2 of Tims room mates, so I've been spending a signifcant amount of time with the 2 of them. I just dont know if i can handle much more of this house.. The drama, the stuff that always breaks, or clogs, or overflows, rain in the kitchen, DISHES. The girls are pretty cool, corey and steph are awesome, and Ruby Cappy and nickel are so adorable.. but i dont know if i want to be here. things are going to change next sem, Tim will be graduated and back home, or where ever his job takes him, he wont be at DWC anymore so we wont be able to hang out there.. If i still live in this house I'll never see him because he wont be able to visit for more that a couple hours. The rules in this house make sense, but get ridiculous.. like guests leaving at 10:00 ON THE DOT, not 10:01. I could make a list of everything that bothers me in this house but I wont. basically I need a change, a change in environment, and a change in rules, I've been here for 3 years and this is about as much as I can handle.
I want my own apartment. I want to be in a bigger city. I want to be able to explore whether i have a vehicle or not. I want to be able to walk everywhere, and be able to take the subway and get accross the city. be able to get on the train and be anywhere in a couple hours or less. I want to have more landscape to take pictures of, be closer to the water, and spend time wandering around art museums and galleries. I never go to boston because i have to plan it, and its costs more money just to get there..
I've been looking at some other schools in Boston, RI, and even NYC.. dont get me wrong, I love my school I just dont know if i want to spend 2 more years here.. it seems that my main problem, which seems to be the source for alot of things, is money, I cant get enough loans, and the costs for most other art schools is at least a few thousand more than my school.. but on the contrary my school is going up, and housing is 2500 for the semester, and supposively going up 1,000 next sem.. for internet.
i think that money causes way to much problems. I absolutely LOVE film with a passion and I will never stop using it, but if I had or could afford a DSLR things would be that much easier for me. ugh.
okay this is enough.. I could keep ranting all day.
I prob just hope for to much, or ask for too much but idk what to do.
love, me.