well, its that time again....
Yup, here we go. Another little live journal entry and you know what.... I'm thinkin its about time to end the live journal chronicles. I'm starting to learn that I cannot use an online journal the way I want to. Because it was intended from its creation to be viewed by others, thats also the reason on why I need to stop writing in it. I figure that a private journal should be that really, private. Then again, I would have to say that probably 95% of the profiles I come across are not really journals. Their more of a gossiping message board for all us computer nerds to gab to each other....and here I am talking about deep real feelings and emotions of things I'm going through in life... I just think the public eye is an unsafe place to be honest in. Plus theres way too much drama that could be had on the internet. You find out about things you might not really want to know about.... but then again the truth is always better than anything else, even if it does hurt. You just gotta listen, learn and grow.
So I figure if someone wants to know something or ask me something or just talk then they can just talk to me instead. I am perfectly content with just sitting in a room by myself and writing my feelings in a little book, rather than posting them on the internet for all my friends... ( or people I dont even know ) for all to read.
ha, well.. I just re-read all that and it sounds kinda pissy. Its not that I'm pissy.. I guess I've just finally had it with internet drama. I contiplated ditching myspace tonight...but then again I'm trying to use it mainly just for promotion for my clothing company. Still, I go through bouts when its like...GAH, I need to get my ass off the computer and the internet and out of the "internet social" circle. I had a life before the internet...yes kids thats right.. I graduated before Instant Messanger was even out so I had a life away from the computer at one time in my life. Internet socializing is a whole other world all to itself and I'm sure everyone reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. Alot of the time, life just seems easier without the internet. I'm always up on everyone elses lives so much I realize how little I'm paying attention to my own. Ugh, its almost like I'm addicted to the internet..... its fucking weird and at times I hate it.
I wanna nice little journal I can go sit in my room or under a tree... at least somewhere thats NO where near anything digital. I wanna sit outside and write and draw with a fucking pencil instead of a damn mouse... hahha. So that is what I wanna do.. =0) I gotta go down and buy a little schedual book / planner / binder thing. Office Max is probably good place to go.
Well, as far as my life goes.... hmmmm, one last journal entry eh? sure why not.... So my life as of right now....well, its good. Work is going great, lots of good promotion stuff with bands, magazines and pro skaters. Its awesome, more and more people are seeing my art and liking it. I might get to do a cover of a magazine soon so that would be super awesome. We might be opening a Rezistance store down in OC sometime soon and that would be fuckin rad. I would get to design the whole interior and paint murals on the walls. We're in like 12 stores now, alot in the OC area so thats rad. Slowly but surely things are lookin good. Some guy that skates for birdhouse wants to skate for us so thats fuckin sweet. I've skated ever since I was 9 years old so thats way bad ass to me. I remember being in 5 grade reading Thrasher and drawing all the old tony hawk symbols. So yup yup, work is awesome.
Social wise things are pretty damn good too. I have a girlfriend now, its been alittle over a month. Things have moved pretty fast but their moving at a rate that feels comfortable and I think thats whats more important. Her and her best friend are moving here in like 2-3 weeks. Their getting kicked outa her parents house and they need a cheap place to live and well hell... fuckin bakersfield is definitly one of the cheapest but still decent places in california. I mean, you could move to fuckin taft or wasco or maybe even fresno and have it be the same or cheaper but those towns suck ass and have NOTHING to do. At least in bakersfield you have alot of good shows and definitly some good people if you know where to look. So yea, rent is cheap so its a good place to get your feet on the ground. So on the thought of her moving here, well..... I honestly think its the only way for our relationship to progress any farther. We've gotten to know each other to a point where its like...well, we get to see each other on the weekends and thats it. Both of us have expressed wanting to see each other more and the only way for that to happen is if she lived here. So I think it will be a good thing, this way we can continue the growth of the relationship without moving it too fast. It will definitly be interesting and a learning experience, I'm looking forward to it. Then if things work out good then who knows, maybe from there off to OC to go open up the Rezistance store! That would be awesome for both girls to move to OC with me and help run the rezistance store. Fun times....so we'll see what the future holds.
Of coarse I'm scared but I hope she doesnt give me a reason to be scared. As long as we're both always honest and friends with each other I think things will be ok. Its been such a long time since I've been in a relationship, its hard sometimes to think about and figure out things. I was talkin to a friend tonight on the phone and she was saying the only girlfriend she's ever known me to have was candice and that was 2 years ago. Ugh, I guess I'm just a super picky mutha fucka. It was a good convo though, I have alot of friends that are girls and they always love to talk...haha.. its great. Plus they give good advice and thoughts about girls since they are girls.... haha. So yea, I know I have issues with girls...specifically having girls leave me. Brittany being the most recent. It just kinda sucked how that ended, she would always be talkin to other guys, mainly on the phone. I would chill at her house but she'd be all like...."oh hey honey, how are you.....call me later." You know that kinda thing....I've seen my guy friends do it to chicks and what I've kinda figured out is that their like keeping in good status with their "back-ups" or some shit. At least thats how its been with my guy friends, its funny. A certain guy friend will remain to keep his good relations with alot of girls at a time so incase one bones out on him he's got another. I've kinda noticed that girls do that too sometimes, but its more emotionally than it is just pure sexually. So yea, brittany was like that... she talked to alot of guys all the time and in the end is when I found out that she was hooking up with a few of them. I shoulda figured though, you dont talk to someone like that unless you have feelings for them and if she had feelings for other people then she shouldnt have been with me. HA, well.. I guess thats why we stopped hanging out though... Well, her specifically I'm happy for now though. She's with a guy that totally satisfies her and makes her the happiest she's ever been.. ( or so she tells me ) Which is truly awesome. She actually found someone that grabs her total 100% attention and he gives her his attention back and thats awesome. I think thats what most people really want but are scared to let themselves have it.
Anyways... I also think those are the only kind of relationships that are even worth having. If its not that way then its not worth it cause your just fooling yourself. Once you've achieved a certain level of happiness in a relationship, in the next relationship you have to feel the same level or greater to be happy. Whats really awesome is feeling 100% satisfied with someoen that your with. I dont think there is any other more satisfying feeling than that. I had never really felt that to its fullest potential untill latetly, I think its a combination of growing older, understanding myself better and figuring out exactly what makes me happy and then meeting a wonderful person. I just hope I can be that same person to her, the only person ( male ) figure she will need attention and love from. I guess all in due time when people really trust each other.... time is a huge factor in relationships. Like I said, relationships are crazy and awesome and hard and a mind fuck somtimes and a rollercoaster of emotions. They build character though if you learn from it, hell... they do alot for you if you pay attention. Its hard though, only latetly have I really come to understand then and how they should and need to work to actually work. My youthful imature stubburnness / my way syndrome have kinda disappeared. I've learned that me getting my way or getting what I want isnt always the best thing for me. I guess thats always something we know in the back of our heads but when we're young we dont like to listen to the voice of reason. Instead of just do whatever we want or whatever feels good and then we have to deal with the conciquence and learn the hard way from our choices. So I've finally learned that little voice of reason actually keeps me from getting hurt alot of the time, so now instead of rebeling against I tend to listen to it.
I guess thats what growing up is really about. Not this shit my parents tried to get me to buy into.. not loosing my child inside me, not selling out, not selling someone elses fucked up ideas to americas youth.
You know, on second thought I should keep this journal just for propaganda purposes. Talk about my real inner issues on paper with pen but then speak my mind about the things I want the world to know about here, online. Hhhhhmmm, yes... more contiplation on this subject is to be had.
So its almost fucking 3am and I'm still working on shit. I should be farther along than I am but I had a good convo with my cousin tonight and then my friend Jessika and now I'm writing in my LJ.....ah yes, the life of someone who works when they want.. sometimes that gets you in trouble. HA, I find myself haveing to bust my ass all night because I did errands half the day. THen again, it doesnt help I sleep so late....but thats becacuse I dont go to bed till late and thats cause I'm still working, trying to get things done...aahhh, its a vicious circle I tell yea. It will break soon though, I already know that.
Life is changing very soon in a very dramatic way...which is good. I've been wanting something to happen for a year now. I was gonna move to seattle but thats being postponed. I have alot of really interesting and awesome things happening here right now I need to be here for. Life is pretty good right now. I'm happy.
nite journal.
So I figure if someone wants to know something or ask me something or just talk then they can just talk to me instead. I am perfectly content with just sitting in a room by myself and writing my feelings in a little book, rather than posting them on the internet for all my friends... ( or people I dont even know ) for all to read.
ha, well.. I just re-read all that and it sounds kinda pissy. Its not that I'm pissy.. I guess I've just finally had it with internet drama. I contiplated ditching myspace tonight...but then again I'm trying to use it mainly just for promotion for my clothing company. Still, I go through bouts when its like...GAH, I need to get my ass off the computer and the internet and out of the "internet social" circle. I had a life before the internet...yes kids thats right.. I graduated before Instant Messanger was even out so I had a life away from the computer at one time in my life. Internet socializing is a whole other world all to itself and I'm sure everyone reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. Alot of the time, life just seems easier without the internet. I'm always up on everyone elses lives so much I realize how little I'm paying attention to my own. Ugh, its almost like I'm addicted to the internet..... its fucking weird and at times I hate it.
I wanna nice little journal I can go sit in my room or under a tree... at least somewhere thats NO where near anything digital. I wanna sit outside and write and draw with a fucking pencil instead of a damn mouse... hahha. So that is what I wanna do.. =0) I gotta go down and buy a little schedual book / planner / binder thing. Office Max is probably good place to go.
Well, as far as my life goes.... hmmmm, one last journal entry eh? sure why not.... So my life as of right now....well, its good. Work is going great, lots of good promotion stuff with bands, magazines and pro skaters. Its awesome, more and more people are seeing my art and liking it. I might get to do a cover of a magazine soon so that would be super awesome. We might be opening a Rezistance store down in OC sometime soon and that would be fuckin rad. I would get to design the whole interior and paint murals on the walls. We're in like 12 stores now, alot in the OC area so thats rad. Slowly but surely things are lookin good. Some guy that skates for birdhouse wants to skate for us so thats fuckin sweet. I've skated ever since I was 9 years old so thats way bad ass to me. I remember being in 5 grade reading Thrasher and drawing all the old tony hawk symbols. So yup yup, work is awesome.
Social wise things are pretty damn good too. I have a girlfriend now, its been alittle over a month. Things have moved pretty fast but their moving at a rate that feels comfortable and I think thats whats more important. Her and her best friend are moving here in like 2-3 weeks. Their getting kicked outa her parents house and they need a cheap place to live and well hell... fuckin bakersfield is definitly one of the cheapest but still decent places in california. I mean, you could move to fuckin taft or wasco or maybe even fresno and have it be the same or cheaper but those towns suck ass and have NOTHING to do. At least in bakersfield you have alot of good shows and definitly some good people if you know where to look. So yea, rent is cheap so its a good place to get your feet on the ground. So on the thought of her moving here, well..... I honestly think its the only way for our relationship to progress any farther. We've gotten to know each other to a point where its like...well, we get to see each other on the weekends and thats it. Both of us have expressed wanting to see each other more and the only way for that to happen is if she lived here. So I think it will be a good thing, this way we can continue the growth of the relationship without moving it too fast. It will definitly be interesting and a learning experience, I'm looking forward to it. Then if things work out good then who knows, maybe from there off to OC to go open up the Rezistance store! That would be awesome for both girls to move to OC with me and help run the rezistance store. Fun times....so we'll see what the future holds.
Of coarse I'm scared but I hope she doesnt give me a reason to be scared. As long as we're both always honest and friends with each other I think things will be ok. Its been such a long time since I've been in a relationship, its hard sometimes to think about and figure out things. I was talkin to a friend tonight on the phone and she was saying the only girlfriend she's ever known me to have was candice and that was 2 years ago. Ugh, I guess I'm just a super picky mutha fucka. It was a good convo though, I have alot of friends that are girls and they always love to talk...haha.. its great. Plus they give good advice and thoughts about girls since they are girls.... haha. So yea, I know I have issues with girls...specifically having girls leave me. Brittany being the most recent. It just kinda sucked how that ended, she would always be talkin to other guys, mainly on the phone. I would chill at her house but she'd be all like...."oh hey honey, how are you.....call me later." You know that kinda thing....I've seen my guy friends do it to chicks and what I've kinda figured out is that their like keeping in good status with their "back-ups" or some shit. At least thats how its been with my guy friends, its funny. A certain guy friend will remain to keep his good relations with alot of girls at a time so incase one bones out on him he's got another. I've kinda noticed that girls do that too sometimes, but its more emotionally than it is just pure sexually. So yea, brittany was like that... she talked to alot of guys all the time and in the end is when I found out that she was hooking up with a few of them. I shoulda figured though, you dont talk to someone like that unless you have feelings for them and if she had feelings for other people then she shouldnt have been with me. HA, well.. I guess thats why we stopped hanging out though... Well, her specifically I'm happy for now though. She's with a guy that totally satisfies her and makes her the happiest she's ever been.. ( or so she tells me ) Which is truly awesome. She actually found someone that grabs her total 100% attention and he gives her his attention back and thats awesome. I think thats what most people really want but are scared to let themselves have it.
Anyways... I also think those are the only kind of relationships that are even worth having. If its not that way then its not worth it cause your just fooling yourself. Once you've achieved a certain level of happiness in a relationship, in the next relationship you have to feel the same level or greater to be happy. Whats really awesome is feeling 100% satisfied with someoen that your with. I dont think there is any other more satisfying feeling than that. I had never really felt that to its fullest potential untill latetly, I think its a combination of growing older, understanding myself better and figuring out exactly what makes me happy and then meeting a wonderful person. I just hope I can be that same person to her, the only person ( male ) figure she will need attention and love from. I guess all in due time when people really trust each other.... time is a huge factor in relationships. Like I said, relationships are crazy and awesome and hard and a mind fuck somtimes and a rollercoaster of emotions. They build character though if you learn from it, hell... they do alot for you if you pay attention. Its hard though, only latetly have I really come to understand then and how they should and need to work to actually work. My youthful imature stubburnness / my way syndrome have kinda disappeared. I've learned that me getting my way or getting what I want isnt always the best thing for me. I guess thats always something we know in the back of our heads but when we're young we dont like to listen to the voice of reason. Instead of just do whatever we want or whatever feels good and then we have to deal with the conciquence and learn the hard way from our choices. So I've finally learned that little voice of reason actually keeps me from getting hurt alot of the time, so now instead of rebeling against I tend to listen to it.
I guess thats what growing up is really about. Not this shit my parents tried to get me to buy into.. not loosing my child inside me, not selling out, not selling someone elses fucked up ideas to americas youth.
You know, on second thought I should keep this journal just for propaganda purposes. Talk about my real inner issues on paper with pen but then speak my mind about the things I want the world to know about here, online. Hhhhhmmm, yes... more contiplation on this subject is to be had.
So its almost fucking 3am and I'm still working on shit. I should be farther along than I am but I had a good convo with my cousin tonight and then my friend Jessika and now I'm writing in my LJ.....ah yes, the life of someone who works when they want.. sometimes that gets you in trouble. HA, I find myself haveing to bust my ass all night because I did errands half the day. THen again, it doesnt help I sleep so late....but thats becacuse I dont go to bed till late and thats cause I'm still working, trying to get things done...aahhh, its a vicious circle I tell yea. It will break soon though, I already know that.
Life is changing very soon in a very dramatic way...which is good. I've been wanting something to happen for a year now. I was gonna move to seattle but thats being postponed. I have alot of really interesting and awesome things happening here right now I need to be here for. Life is pretty good right now. I'm happy.
nite journal.