ah yes, tonight
Well, its 1:30am and I just got home from the My Beautiful Secret show and hanging with Tina. Interesting night as always. First of all my step mom let me borrow her car which was SO nice of her, I cant even explain how good of a mood that put me in. I've been rather depressed lately whining over not having any transportation. Its a weird feeling to be completly stuck and the only way out is to ask for help. Thats not something I do really, I figure if its something I need to get done then I need to be the one responsible for it because when all is said and done, if my goal isnt reached then I only have myself to blame.
The show was really good, MBS did a really good job of doing what they do best and thats playing live. Brian is such a kick asss singer to watch, its alot of fun.
Then after the show it was off to hang out with Tina. You know, I was thinking tonight and the events of tonight are what really helped me see. Tina and I were supposed to go see MBS play tonight but she ended up being too busy getting drunk with some of her co-workers. I was so jazzed about hanging out with her and watching the show, I wanted to know her opinion of their performance. She knows alot about music and I respect her thoughts, I'm trying to help this band get somewhere and any thoughts good and bad are a much needed thing. I guess it just hurt my feelings alittle that she was busy getting drunk instead of hanging out with me. So back to what I was thinking about, what sucks is when you have a habit of any sort that ends up getting between you and a friend.
Though the events of the night did help me see how my own actions hurt her though. It was some time ago this happened but non the less it occured. We would hang out everyday and chill all the time and one day I basically just kinda stopped hanging out with her. Of coarse there were lots of reasons at the time but either way my actions hurt someones feelings and that makes me sad. Especially someone that I care so much for. So many thoughts go through my head on a night like this, we did much talking about the "good ol days" and that always brings back everything. Hell, its more than just talking about the good ol days though, its just her presence. I cant explain it so dont even try asking but the graviation in that situation is rather strange. Gahh.
There is something I must do soon, something I've wanted to do for a long time and something that I am just so curious about. I'm tired of not feeling anything, some people enjoy their time of numbness but I think thats because they've forgotten what its like to be happy. All they remember is what its like to feel pain and since pain=bad that creates a want for numbess. Ive gone through stages like that in my life of coarse but I always end up coming back around, looking for happiness. Then again, I also dont feel that pain is a bad thing. When I feel pain, instead of running from it I look at what the source is. I search out the reasons for my pain and I get them out of my life, if I dont then they will just keep coming back. So in my search for the reasosn for my dismay, I learn. I grow as a person to overcome my fears and to face reality instead of trying to run from it. This is the world we live in and theres no getting around it, no matter WHAT you fill your life with, it will never cover everything up. I dont know why but my own personal convictions wont allow me to cover things up. If I know the truth then I must go down that road no matter how bumpy, it may take awhile for me to get it in gear but I always know I will have to do it sometime or another and its better to deal with things now than later. Things only get worse the more you ignore them. They get harder and harder to face and it becomes easier to just keep covering it up. I never want to get comfortable with my lack of self discepline.
I remember a time when I hadnt realized all this yet, a time when it seemed I was in a closet to all my own actions. Then one day I started to care, care about the way I was to people and the way people persieved me and the way I treated people. All it does is take alittle effort and you'd be surprised how much of an effect you can have on someone.
Here is a song that makes me think of someone imparticular, always has but its funny the things we deny ourselves because we think there out of reach.
The Postal Service Brand - New Colony
i'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and
served with the table set in my finest suit
like a perfect gentleman
i'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the
ancient brick where you will sit and
contemplate your day
i'll be the waterwings that save you if you
start drowning in an open tab when your
judgement's on the brink
i'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
albums back as your lying there drifting off
to sleep...
i'll be the platform shoes and undo what
heredity's done to you: you won't have to
strain to look into my eyes
i'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped
straight to the throat with the collar up so
you won't catch cold
i want to take you far away from the cynics in this
town and kiss you on the mouth
we'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of
this scene, start a brand new colony
where everything will change, we'll give
ourselves new names (identities erased)
the sun will heat the ground under our bare
feet in this brand new colony
everything will change
somday we'll see what becomes of our lives and our choices.
The show was really good, MBS did a really good job of doing what they do best and thats playing live. Brian is such a kick asss singer to watch, its alot of fun.
Then after the show it was off to hang out with Tina. You know, I was thinking tonight and the events of tonight are what really helped me see. Tina and I were supposed to go see MBS play tonight but she ended up being too busy getting drunk with some of her co-workers. I was so jazzed about hanging out with her and watching the show, I wanted to know her opinion of their performance. She knows alot about music and I respect her thoughts, I'm trying to help this band get somewhere and any thoughts good and bad are a much needed thing. I guess it just hurt my feelings alittle that she was busy getting drunk instead of hanging out with me. So back to what I was thinking about, what sucks is when you have a habit of any sort that ends up getting between you and a friend.
Though the events of the night did help me see how my own actions hurt her though. It was some time ago this happened but non the less it occured. We would hang out everyday and chill all the time and one day I basically just kinda stopped hanging out with her. Of coarse there were lots of reasons at the time but either way my actions hurt someones feelings and that makes me sad. Especially someone that I care so much for. So many thoughts go through my head on a night like this, we did much talking about the "good ol days" and that always brings back everything. Hell, its more than just talking about the good ol days though, its just her presence. I cant explain it so dont even try asking but the graviation in that situation is rather strange. Gahh.
There is something I must do soon, something I've wanted to do for a long time and something that I am just so curious about. I'm tired of not feeling anything, some people enjoy their time of numbness but I think thats because they've forgotten what its like to be happy. All they remember is what its like to feel pain and since pain=bad that creates a want for numbess. Ive gone through stages like that in my life of coarse but I always end up coming back around, looking for happiness. Then again, I also dont feel that pain is a bad thing. When I feel pain, instead of running from it I look at what the source is. I search out the reasons for my pain and I get them out of my life, if I dont then they will just keep coming back. So in my search for the reasosn for my dismay, I learn. I grow as a person to overcome my fears and to face reality instead of trying to run from it. This is the world we live in and theres no getting around it, no matter WHAT you fill your life with, it will never cover everything up. I dont know why but my own personal convictions wont allow me to cover things up. If I know the truth then I must go down that road no matter how bumpy, it may take awhile for me to get it in gear but I always know I will have to do it sometime or another and its better to deal with things now than later. Things only get worse the more you ignore them. They get harder and harder to face and it becomes easier to just keep covering it up. I never want to get comfortable with my lack of self discepline.
I remember a time when I hadnt realized all this yet, a time when it seemed I was in a closet to all my own actions. Then one day I started to care, care about the way I was to people and the way people persieved me and the way I treated people. All it does is take alittle effort and you'd be surprised how much of an effect you can have on someone.
Here is a song that makes me think of someone imparticular, always has but its funny the things we deny ourselves because we think there out of reach.
The Postal Service Brand - New Colony
i'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and
served with the table set in my finest suit
like a perfect gentleman
i'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the
ancient brick where you will sit and
contemplate your day
i'll be the waterwings that save you if you
start drowning in an open tab when your
judgement's on the brink
i'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
albums back as your lying there drifting off
to sleep...
i'll be the platform shoes and undo what
heredity's done to you: you won't have to
strain to look into my eyes
i'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped
straight to the throat with the collar up so
you won't catch cold
i want to take you far away from the cynics in this
town and kiss you on the mouth
we'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of
this scene, start a brand new colony
where everything will change, we'll give
ourselves new names (identities erased)
the sun will heat the ground under our bare
feet in this brand new colony
everything will change
somday we'll see what becomes of our lives and our choices.