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so im perched at my computer, feet securely shoved into slippers, hood of my sweatshirt raised. its fucking cold up here (im sure youll be able to hear me crying when it actually gets Cold). i love it though, thus the windows are open and the sweatshirt is sported. it was such a thrill to wake up this morning and cuddle down into my blanket instead of wiggle around b/c of uncomfortable heat. ive been reeling a bit lately, not out of control...but a gentle rollick that keeps me wondering where im going. i think we all have that feeling when its birthday time and another year has passed. it really didnt even seem like my birthday though. the Right people werent there. i just havent found the unslipping camraderie that i cherish as one of the meanings of life. on the actual day i wanted to make it a point to seclude myself and just wander and ponder. then the phonecalls started coming in and i couldnt deny that trying to stay inside my shell was selfish. theres so many people who i think of all the time that were thinking of me too and it kept me afloat. i miss my people so much, and i propose that this need to find comfort up here has derailed me a bit. i want to succeed and get a Job and kickass at life in general, but its hard going alone (no-one should take that word as an insult, i know i have unflagging support and love...but its rough sometimes passing through an entire day w/out seeing someone who knows your name). instead of working on my resume and shmoozing employers, ive been working on exploring and befriending bartenders. whos to say im not learning more this way(in the cosmic sense)? but theres still a profound feeling of standing still. i think i need to get my shit together for Real and make time for the finding and learning so that its that much more rewarding. if only any of this sounded new or different from things ive already professed to knowing. i think ive lapsed in being my own inspiration though, and its time to venture out and think of things bigger than myself. all this may seem like dragging down, but please see it as crawling up. this new life was just a pinprick on the horizon awhile ago, and although ive stumbled into it the view is still hazy. i want to clear the clouds.