Life...
I've come to really rely on my LJ. It's a nice vent. The problem as it serves a vent, the few that read it prolly think all I ever do is whine and bitch. LOL, well for the most part I guess if you really do know me personally it does seem that's all I do. I am a depressed person. I'm lonely tho I have a family. And I am just so tired of settling for things. I am so tired of always wanting something better. I live every day hoping that something new and exciting will happen. I've come to realize that Keith and I are 2 very very different people. I keep thinking in the back of my mind 'When will things be different' and 'When will he grow up', 'When will we finally agree on anything'. These very questions haunt me every single day.
My mother thinks I must be the luckiest person in the world just because I have a male in my life that 'supports me'. What she doesn't realize that it takes a hell of alot more than putting a roof over my head while I 'don't work' to serve as a means of support. She thinks that because of her bad run of luck that I am lucky to be married. Of course I look at my life and think, yeh I have it good, I have to gorgeous little boys. I have a family that loves me. I get to stay at home with my boys (well both soon enough) =) But then I start to think wow, I am completely miserable. I LOVE being here with Brent (and soon Bradley) but I WANT so much more. I find myself thinking that things have changed between Keith and I, but the harsh reality is that he hasn't changed one bit. I have. I have grown and give my best attempt to be an adult so to speak. I am the one that has goals and dreams. Yet he is the same person that I met 5 years ago. Still needing someone to cook and clean and baby his ass with every little breath. I just never really noticed it I suppose because his mom was the one doing so. Then when we first were married I was blinded and lost in the emotions that come with being a newly wed person, thinking it might actually be 'fun' to take care of another person. I was mistaken. It is not fun to be a pawn in this stupid charade.
I've come to learn that as much as I respect my gramma that the last person I want to be is her. And if I keep up doing the petty shit that I am doing now that I WILL become her. Always having someone walking all over her, playing a slave opposed to a wife. Being taking for granted instead of being cherished as she should. I don't want that. I want to feel the compassion that another person can give me, not just be the other person that lives in the house. The cook, the maid, the nurse, the fucking slave. Trapped in a house minus a car like a prisoner.
It's almost funny how I used to like to play video games, even before Keith came into my life, now I despise them with everything I have in me. There comes a certain point in a person's life that you just grow up. You don't need a mindless disc to keep you entertained. And in Keith's case you'd think that being able to spend time with his wife and child after not doing so after a year's time had past would the the top on the priority list. Yet he'd rather spend endless hours of his days off sitting in front of a game.
Another thing is right now I am trying to help him to loose weight. The Army says he's 8 lbs overweight. They even made him go to a nutrition course in Vanderburg. Ok not a big deal but the guy gave him an 1800 calorie diet to go by. I am the LAST person to ever worry about diets, calories, carbs, reading labels etc.... But I make a special trip to buy groceries and read the label on everything to try and only get the things that he can have. Also meaning I eat the shit too. So I am sacraficing things too, but that still isn't good enough. He still has to bitch because he is still hungry. Well damn I am so fucking sorry. Not too mention I bought the food, cook it and cleaned up afterward. I'm just soooo tired.
I mentioned Vanderburg previously, and even in my Pismo Beach pic post. That and San Francisco is all we have done. We live in fucking CA now. Somewhere that alot of people would give there right arm to just visit, and here we have lived here since the end of January, and have seen two nice things. I want to just get in the car and drive. And explore new places. I don't see why that is so much to ask? But of course if there is not a mall or a Best Buy in the picture, why is it again we are going leaving the house and going somewhere?
I just wish that he was there for me. I'm not talking about physically, I've learned that I do not need someone on my life physically, I can manage. But it's the emotional and mental support and love that I crave. And I say crave because you crave things that are just out of your reach.
I don't want a divorce. I just want things to change. I want to work them out. I have talked to him about these things, and nothing. No response. But I don't give up easily. I will push this until I can't any more. Tho I wonder is it worth it?
I am enjoying a fatass baked potato smoothered in butter & cheese right now. Yum. Fuck him, I don't have to watch what I eat. OK that's being a bitch but damn I just need a break. I think that this trip back home is JUST what I need right now. I need a break. I just realize that I already have 2 young boys to look after and raise, I DON'T need a 3rd. He needs to grow up.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying just because I'm saying all this I want to act like a 70 year old woman. I want to act young. It's just that I know the time and place, I know my limits and responsibilities.
My gramma said I need to sell his games on eBay. Lol, now that would be some funny shit. But sadly I consider it. As much as it sickens me to say it I recently bought a game for my GameBoy. I'm definately selling it on eBay. I just don't have the TIME for it. And of course that would be the one thing he's hold against me 'Well you bought a game too' Ugh.
We just got our tax return back and I can already see it withered away. Part of me wants to keep it for myself and run off and start fresh. Then the reality sinks in. Heh.
Wow if you are still actually reading this, I'm amazed. Don't feel obligated to say some wise words, as there are none. I have to get this shit figured out on my own, as harsh as it may be.
My mother thinks I must be the luckiest person in the world just because I have a male in my life that 'supports me'. What she doesn't realize that it takes a hell of alot more than putting a roof over my head while I 'don't work' to serve as a means of support. She thinks that because of her bad run of luck that I am lucky to be married. Of course I look at my life and think, yeh I have it good, I have to gorgeous little boys. I have a family that loves me. I get to stay at home with my boys (well both soon enough) =) But then I start to think wow, I am completely miserable. I LOVE being here with Brent (and soon Bradley) but I WANT so much more. I find myself thinking that things have changed between Keith and I, but the harsh reality is that he hasn't changed one bit. I have. I have grown and give my best attempt to be an adult so to speak. I am the one that has goals and dreams. Yet he is the same person that I met 5 years ago. Still needing someone to cook and clean and baby his ass with every little breath. I just never really noticed it I suppose because his mom was the one doing so. Then when we first were married I was blinded and lost in the emotions that come with being a newly wed person, thinking it might actually be 'fun' to take care of another person. I was mistaken. It is not fun to be a pawn in this stupid charade.
I've come to learn that as much as I respect my gramma that the last person I want to be is her. And if I keep up doing the petty shit that I am doing now that I WILL become her. Always having someone walking all over her, playing a slave opposed to a wife. Being taking for granted instead of being cherished as she should. I don't want that. I want to feel the compassion that another person can give me, not just be the other person that lives in the house. The cook, the maid, the nurse, the fucking slave. Trapped in a house minus a car like a prisoner.
It's almost funny how I used to like to play video games, even before Keith came into my life, now I despise them with everything I have in me. There comes a certain point in a person's life that you just grow up. You don't need a mindless disc to keep you entertained. And in Keith's case you'd think that being able to spend time with his wife and child after not doing so after a year's time had past would the the top on the priority list. Yet he'd rather spend endless hours of his days off sitting in front of a game.
Another thing is right now I am trying to help him to loose weight. The Army says he's 8 lbs overweight. They even made him go to a nutrition course in Vanderburg. Ok not a big deal but the guy gave him an 1800 calorie diet to go by. I am the LAST person to ever worry about diets, calories, carbs, reading labels etc.... But I make a special trip to buy groceries and read the label on everything to try and only get the things that he can have. Also meaning I eat the shit too. So I am sacraficing things too, but that still isn't good enough. He still has to bitch because he is still hungry. Well damn I am so fucking sorry. Not too mention I bought the food, cook it and cleaned up afterward. I'm just soooo tired.
I mentioned Vanderburg previously, and even in my Pismo Beach pic post. That and San Francisco is all we have done. We live in fucking CA now. Somewhere that alot of people would give there right arm to just visit, and here we have lived here since the end of January, and have seen two nice things. I want to just get in the car and drive. And explore new places. I don't see why that is so much to ask? But of course if there is not a mall or a Best Buy in the picture, why is it again we are going leaving the house and going somewhere?
I just wish that he was there for me. I'm not talking about physically, I've learned that I do not need someone on my life physically, I can manage. But it's the emotional and mental support and love that I crave. And I say crave because you crave things that are just out of your reach.
I don't want a divorce. I just want things to change. I want to work them out. I have talked to him about these things, and nothing. No response. But I don't give up easily. I will push this until I can't any more. Tho I wonder is it worth it?
I am enjoying a fatass baked potato smoothered in butter & cheese right now. Yum. Fuck him, I don't have to watch what I eat. OK that's being a bitch but damn I just need a break. I think that this trip back home is JUST what I need right now. I need a break. I just realize that I already have 2 young boys to look after and raise, I DON'T need a 3rd. He needs to grow up.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying just because I'm saying all this I want to act like a 70 year old woman. I want to act young. It's just that I know the time and place, I know my limits and responsibilities.
My gramma said I need to sell his games on eBay. Lol, now that would be some funny shit. But sadly I consider it. As much as it sickens me to say it I recently bought a game for my GameBoy. I'm definately selling it on eBay. I just don't have the TIME for it. And of course that would be the one thing he's hold against me 'Well you bought a game too' Ugh.
We just got our tax return back and I can already see it withered away. Part of me wants to keep it for myself and run off and start fresh. Then the reality sinks in. Heh.
Wow if you are still actually reading this, I'm amazed. Don't feel obligated to say some wise words, as there are none. I have to get this shit figured out on my own, as harsh as it may be.