What is Change?
It's been awhile since I have last written so I thought I owed it to myself, and maybe it will help to actually write about stuff. I use to write all the time, and would make everything seem easier. But I have given up on writting my feelings wether it is in this form or in poetry . I never was very good anyways.
Life has been weird lately. I don't know if weird really is the word I should use but there is no other way to explain it. Things have never been the same since the whole incident with Ryan, I have turned into a fully different person. I blame myself for everything that happened with him, because I know that I pushed him away. Now I am so terrified to scare anyone else away especially Jesse. I have so much in my life to be happy right now. But it's like my body is incapable of actually being happy. There really is no reason to even feel the urge to cry, yet I find myself doing it almost every night. When people ask me what's wrong I don't know what to tell them. I want them to be there and hold me, but Jesse doesn't know how to handle it, and who can blame him, I don't know how to handle myself. I feel in love too easy, and I ruin everything even easier. It's the same cycle I go through everytime, and I don't know why I think things will ever change. There is times where I just want to push everyone close to me as far away as possible because it is just a waste of time.
Jon and I have been working on our friendship. I love him, and I always will, even if it isn't the same type of love. I need him in my life, because he is the only one that comes even close to knowing me, knowing all of me. But I know it's hard for him to be around me, I need to learn to not be selfish and let the kid move on with his life. Right now he is trying to convince me to go see a doctor, he won't give up til he sees me happy. I just don't know how to do it. It took me over a year to open up to him, to be able to tell him everything. I don't know how to talk to people about my moods. I don't know where I would start, and there is no end to them; a constant roller coaster, you never know which Erin you are going to run into. He also tells me to maybe change my diet, who the hell changes there diet to make their head happy, I don't buy into the bullshit about diets or even pills. I should be able to make everything better myself, now have to pay money to talk to someone I don't even care about.
I started classes monday, I'm really glad actually. Add alittle stability to my life, for the moment right now. I like going to classes, Now that I finally figured out a major that I am interested in. All of us marketing studnets get along awesome though and we have so much fun. It feels good to make some new friends, since I lost a few to the Marines. I feel kind of bad because I don't miss the girls as much as I thought I would, Life is too busy though. Although I is great when I recieve letters from Parris Island and I try to send them as much as possible so they know they are loved back at home.
I get an email this morning from my aquatics leader from Camp Adventure. They want me to leave May 23rd. That means I won't even be around for my birthday. I'm already starting to have second thoughts about even going, but how do I give up this chance of a lifetime. How can I be happy away from everyone I love for three monthes, when I can't even be happy with them around. I just feel like If i go I will come back to nothing, everyone will have forgotten me and moved on with their lives.
This year has been different already, I just havn't figured out if it is for the better or worse yet. Some days it's great others I wish I could take everything back. Hell sometimes it takes only 5 minutes to change my mind about life. It's those little things that throw my mood way out of wack. Life is great a I know eventually I will figure out how to enjoy it, I just hope its soon, before I loose everyone I care about, and before I blow things with this great guy.