(no subject)
I've been thinking a lot lately. This past month has put so many emotions into my head that I dont think I quite knew what to do with myself. I act irrationally and then proceed to blame it on outside factors effecting me. I dont want to be that person anymore. i did go through a lot this month and emotions were running wild, but im better than how i handled a lot of it. ive been through so much worse of times than this past month and i know im stronger than to pull the whole woe is me shit. i need to stop running away from my problems, stop dismissing them as if they dont exist and then let my emotions get the best of me through something or someone else. its not fair on the other people in my life. i acted immature and selfish with a boy that i really did care about. i let someone who i should have figured out a long time ago wasnt the good person they portrayed themselves to be, get the best of me. i refuse to let that experience turn me into a cynical person when it comes to friendships. ill continue to trust the people in my life and if i get hurt then so be it, i can take it. ive noticed through this last relationship with taylor that i have way too much pride when it comes to my heart. i really did care for him, and i never showed it. my ego got in the way of ever letting him know how i really felt. from now on i just want to be honest, even if the honesty is not reciprocated at least ill be more content that it was said than not. this past month has made me realize that i have a lot of unresolved issues in my life that i need to take care of before i can ever be at peace with myself. before i can ever become the person i would like to be and obtain the maturity i wish to have i need to deal with the things in my past that i thought i left to the past but have subconsciously been haunting me ever since. because through the way i handle my emotions i can just tell there is a lot of repressed issues that need to be resolved. im happy this whole mess of disappointments bestowed themselves upon me because it really was a wake up call. the feelings of anger, sadness, depression were not just a result of simply this month but a result of someone who has yet to deal with all of the things that have brought about those feelings through out my entire life. im finally going to force myself to relive and come to conclusions about whatever emotional baggage ive managed to carry with me through out these past 20 years. its about damn time.