.:July10th..2005:.
This is a private message I wrote myself that I find amusing July 10th 2005.. because my feelings never did change. It is funny that I got Alex in just a few days of knowing him haha. Oh man. It was nice reading my old posts... I had some about Claire getting pissed at me and saying I made her want to go use.. I was a very confused person back then! Man.. I had some isssues. I guess they are jut better hid now haha.. perhaps I would be less of an explosive person if i wrote down all my negative feelings.. like.. when I am sad the only thing that makes the pain go away is to hurt myself. Or something emo along those lines..
"Kati is so drunk.. she is so fucked up.
So.. here am I thinking about Alex. I know this is going to be bad.
He is going to hurt me... it will end badly. Like.. he will get bored of me.
like.. i dont think i have ever met someone who i was confortable with.
I realize just cause i am comfortable does not mean he is like my soul mate or anything..
but i see something in him.
He has so much potential..
like..
He is just in a phase.. he has had bad past experiences.
and so now he has shut down. I have to hand it to him.. not caring is a great thing.. nothing hurts you.. but it isnt living.
He knows what he has to do.
I hope.. even if he decides im not worth getting to know.. that i can help him start to put his life back together.
I wish he knew what I have done for him..
i let down my wall.. i am.. letting him in? I didnt even let John in.
I will listen to Alex's music.. i would lay and listen to music with him forever.
He is going to forget about me soon.
When I care.. that means.. it is about to end.
Please please dont leave yet.. please?
PLease God let Alex be okay... I want him to be happy.. even if he isnt happy with me.
He deserves to be happy.. he deserves to have an amazing life.
What is the point of living if you dont have a family?
family is so important.. but he does have his brothers.. he will find one day that they will always be there.
He will grow up and his mother will see what he has become..
and Alex can smile at her and be like.. through everything.,.. i have made myself this.
and this.. will be amazing.
Even if he isnt rich.. even if he doesnt have everything.. he will be happy.
he will have a great life.. and happy is the key word here.
Where will I be?
Oh.. I will become a counselor and help others with their lives.
but none will matter as much as Alex..
I have known him for a matter of weeks..
but I know if i lost him..
I would be empty.
I have found this other side of myself.. the side that i dont like to face.
We laugh when we kiss and it makes a funny sound..
i apolodize and HOPEFULLY he doesnt care that i didnt shave.
It isnt usual.. i usually do shave! I jsust didnt want a reasont o take my pants offf.
the muffins are readdy
I wont have sex with him.
I wont.
I cant handle the way it feels..
that dirty feeling.
last night made me feel dirty..
i want to be his.. before. i do anything.
I need to shup up..
Claire is an idiot.
I miss her."
The End.
"Kati is so drunk.. she is so fucked up.
So.. here am I thinking about Alex. I know this is going to be bad.
He is going to hurt me... it will end badly. Like.. he will get bored of me.
like.. i dont think i have ever met someone who i was confortable with.
I realize just cause i am comfortable does not mean he is like my soul mate or anything..
but i see something in him.
He has so much potential..
like..
He is just in a phase.. he has had bad past experiences.
and so now he has shut down. I have to hand it to him.. not caring is a great thing.. nothing hurts you.. but it isnt living.
He knows what he has to do.
I hope.. even if he decides im not worth getting to know.. that i can help him start to put his life back together.
I wish he knew what I have done for him..
i let down my wall.. i am.. letting him in? I didnt even let John in.
I will listen to Alex's music.. i would lay and listen to music with him forever.
He is going to forget about me soon.
When I care.. that means.. it is about to end.
Please please dont leave yet.. please?
PLease God let Alex be okay... I want him to be happy.. even if he isnt happy with me.
He deserves to be happy.. he deserves to have an amazing life.
What is the point of living if you dont have a family?
family is so important.. but he does have his brothers.. he will find one day that they will always be there.
He will grow up and his mother will see what he has become..
and Alex can smile at her and be like.. through everything.,.. i have made myself this.
and this.. will be amazing.
Even if he isnt rich.. even if he doesnt have everything.. he will be happy.
he will have a great life.. and happy is the key word here.
Where will I be?
Oh.. I will become a counselor and help others with their lives.
but none will matter as much as Alex..
I have known him for a matter of weeks..
but I know if i lost him..
I would be empty.
I have found this other side of myself.. the side that i dont like to face.
We laugh when we kiss and it makes a funny sound..
i apolodize and HOPEFULLY he doesnt care that i didnt shave.
It isnt usual.. i usually do shave! I jsust didnt want a reasont o take my pants offf.
the muffins are readdy
I wont have sex with him.
I wont.
I cant handle the way it feels..
that dirty feeling.
last night made me feel dirty..
i want to be his.. before. i do anything.
I need to shup up..
Claire is an idiot.
I miss her."
The End.