Life's too short to even care at all...
It's 5:10 a.m.
I can't sleep. I'm not even tired.
I read this book called Crank the other day. It spoke to me in a way that no book really has in a long time. I feel like someone put my thoughts and feelings down on paper for me in an exquisitely packaged poem...I wasn't even consciously aware of how I had been feeling until I read this book, all 500 pages in one sitting.
The main character is your stereotypical girl-next-door toe-the-line person who becomes addicted to meth and her entire personality changes.
I've read a dozen books and watched a ton of movies about drug addicts but this one spoke to me simply because the protagonist describes herself as having two personalities. She even names her other personality. The first personality is her safe personality, the one that all of her old friends recognize and know her to be. Her second personality, brought on by falling for a guy and tweak, is her fun personality as she sees it.
I feel this way all the time. People who were close to me don't understand why I ever would touch heroin or why I ever would "throw my life away." These people don't understand the ennui that comes with being a dependable, reliable, aka boring as hell introverted person who is scared to take risks.
When Kevin left for basic training, it was like I had to deal with this drastic amount of change. The man I had committed myself to was leaving me for 5 months. I was alone in a huge apartment with nothing but my cats, Gilmore Girls dvds, and the sheer agony of sleeping alone when you've had someone next to you for 3 years fighting over the sheets. So what did I do? Partied. Drank a lot, smoked weed a lot, stayed out until 3 in the morning every night when I had to work at 8. When Kevin left for Korea, it just furthered my unhappiness, loneliness, and I guess desperation to fill my nights with something, anything.
I felt like when I had to reconnect with old friends, I found this stifled person inside of me. This person who was spontaneous, easy to laugh, and just free of inhibition. I related to this book so much because the main character basically let her second personality take over. This personality would do anything...take risks, talk to new people, accomplish what she set out to do....and this pretty much mirrored my life for a year. I mean, suddenly, I wasn't boring old Jackie. Reliable Mcmanager Jackie, the friend who everyone comes to for their problems but when she needs someone no one is there.
I'm wandering aimlessly in a misty fog. I can't see the light and I have no one to guide me. I've lost all of my faith in humanity, God, and myself. I have this constant inner turmoil that slinks around in the back of my mind like a stalking wolf. I try to keep it at bay but it sneaks up on me sometimes without a sound, catches me off guard and sometimes my mood will change in that instant and I never even understand why.
There's constant dialogue going on in my brain. Personality 1 has resurfaced timidly and she is especially active during therapy,work and any interaction with parents, Jessie, or other such people who she wants to feel that everything is hunky dory. Personality 2 still lingers in the background, randomly emerging at the most inopportune times. Personalities 1 and 2 fight to the death when this happens. Personality 2 still thinks she is the superior, more fun, more free personality...the real Jackie she tells me.
So who is the real me? Do people ever know who they really are? Sometimes when I think about how life has turned out I think I wouldn't do anything any differently.
Sometimes I want to kill myself from the choices I've made.
Sometimes I wonder if PersonWhen the HELL did my mind get ality 2 will ever go away, aka this insanely ridiculous extreme horrifying urge to binge on any substance that will let me forget everything that matters and especially any feeling that makes me uncomfortable in the least bit.
this fucked up?
And why do half the time I want to slap everyone who judges me and scream in their scornful faces "I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE YOU DON'T MATTER YOU'VE NEVER CARED UNDERSTOOD OR BOTHERED TO NOTICE ME OR NOTICE ANYTHING WAS WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE."
And half the time I want to fall at their feet sobbing for forgiveness.
I can't sleep. I'm not even tired.
I read this book called Crank the other day. It spoke to me in a way that no book really has in a long time. I feel like someone put my thoughts and feelings down on paper for me in an exquisitely packaged poem...I wasn't even consciously aware of how I had been feeling until I read this book, all 500 pages in one sitting.
The main character is your stereotypical girl-next-door toe-the-line person who becomes addicted to meth and her entire personality changes.
I've read a dozen books and watched a ton of movies about drug addicts but this one spoke to me simply because the protagonist describes herself as having two personalities. She even names her other personality. The first personality is her safe personality, the one that all of her old friends recognize and know her to be. Her second personality, brought on by falling for a guy and tweak, is her fun personality as she sees it.
I feel this way all the time. People who were close to me don't understand why I ever would touch heroin or why I ever would "throw my life away." These people don't understand the ennui that comes with being a dependable, reliable, aka boring as hell introverted person who is scared to take risks.
When Kevin left for basic training, it was like I had to deal with this drastic amount of change. The man I had committed myself to was leaving me for 5 months. I was alone in a huge apartment with nothing but my cats, Gilmore Girls dvds, and the sheer agony of sleeping alone when you've had someone next to you for 3 years fighting over the sheets. So what did I do? Partied. Drank a lot, smoked weed a lot, stayed out until 3 in the morning every night when I had to work at 8. When Kevin left for Korea, it just furthered my unhappiness, loneliness, and I guess desperation to fill my nights with something, anything.
I felt like when I had to reconnect with old friends, I found this stifled person inside of me. This person who was spontaneous, easy to laugh, and just free of inhibition. I related to this book so much because the main character basically let her second personality take over. This personality would do anything...take risks, talk to new people, accomplish what she set out to do....and this pretty much mirrored my life for a year. I mean, suddenly, I wasn't boring old Jackie. Reliable Mcmanager Jackie, the friend who everyone comes to for their problems but when she needs someone no one is there.
I'm wandering aimlessly in a misty fog. I can't see the light and I have no one to guide me. I've lost all of my faith in humanity, God, and myself. I have this constant inner turmoil that slinks around in the back of my mind like a stalking wolf. I try to keep it at bay but it sneaks up on me sometimes without a sound, catches me off guard and sometimes my mood will change in that instant and I never even understand why.
There's constant dialogue going on in my brain. Personality 1 has resurfaced timidly and she is especially active during therapy,work and any interaction with parents, Jessie, or other such people who she wants to feel that everything is hunky dory. Personality 2 still lingers in the background, randomly emerging at the most inopportune times. Personalities 1 and 2 fight to the death when this happens. Personality 2 still thinks she is the superior, more fun, more free personality...the real Jackie she tells me.
So who is the real me? Do people ever know who they really are? Sometimes when I think about how life has turned out I think I wouldn't do anything any differently.
Sometimes I want to kill myself from the choices I've made.
Sometimes I wonder if PersonWhen the HELL did my mind get ality 2 will ever go away, aka this insanely ridiculous extreme horrifying urge to binge on any substance that will let me forget everything that matters and especially any feeling that makes me uncomfortable in the least bit.
this fucked up?
And why do half the time I want to slap everyone who judges me and scream in their scornful faces "I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE YOU DON'T MATTER YOU'VE NEVER CARED UNDERSTOOD OR BOTHERED TO NOTICE ME OR NOTICE ANYTHING WAS WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE."
And half the time I want to fall at their feet sobbing for forgiveness.