Living Dead Girl
Ah, it has been quite some time since I have updated this thing but I have this overwhelming compulsion to get out my thoughts right now. After a conversation with a friend tonight, I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of anxiety that after over an hour I haven't been able to shake myself of because my mind is racing at a million miles an hour. My friend told me that deep down, he just has this fear of being alone, which really just hit home with me at the moment. For the past two weeks, I have been running away from my feelings about Kevin being away; in essence, I have been desperately trying to stifle the fact that I miss him because being alone just hurts in a way that I never thought it would or could. When he was here, we spent time together of course, but a lot of the time it was just his presence here that made me feel safe. With him being so far away and with minimal contact, I feel like I am so isolated. In reality, I know I am not alone, but sometimes I just can't stand the feeling so much that I will do anything to avoid it. I have made this habit of not being at home because while I am at home I find that I just sit and wallow in self pity. I try to project this image of a happy-go-lucky, bubbly, fun girl, but really inside I just want to scream sometimes. I feel like I am reaching my breaking point right now, and all the stress is overwhelming me.
I don't know what I am even going to be doing or where I am going to be living in the next 3 months. Sure, that is part of being a military wife, but really, it's maddening. I am so terrified to move that I can't even stand it. I was supportive of Kevin because he needed me to be, and I tried to stay positive, but inside I just really don't invite change. I don't want to leave everyone and everything I know behind. I feel like I am actually really happy with my life right now, and I am scared to take the plunge. I don't want to find a "real job" or start a family because I don't feel ready to grow up. I'm afraid that if we move then I will just lose a part of myself. It just feels like too much to just drop everything, start a new job, start a new life, and only have Kevin to rely on. I know my friends are here for me and will be, but it's kinda hard when they are miles away. I don't know what I will do when I can't just call someone up and have something to do in a moment's notice. Another scary aspect is that there is a high likelihood that Kevin will be deployed rather quickly after he finishes his training...if that happens, I can stay here, but then I have to face the fact that he will be overseas in a dangerous environment. I feel like it's just a lose-lose situation. I feel like I am being really selfish in feeling these things because Kevin is doing this to better our future together, but when I look into my future all I see is a big empty space. Quite frankly I am just living day by day, not knowing what is going to happen, not having much of a plan. I feel like lately I have just been so careless and carefree as a way to mask how I feel about things right now. I have been trying to compartmentalize....I put my feelings about Kevin into a little box where I can't see them and try to forget about them, but when they surface it hurts even more. I have been to the point lately where I can't even write him a letter because I don't know what to say...I don't want to spout on for pages and pages about how much I miss him because I know that he is having a hard time there too. At the same time when I don't send him letters I'm sure that hurts him too. I'm really good at just avoiding things I don't want to do. I just have this jumble of mixed emotions right now because for the past few weeks, I have not even felt like I missed him, probably because I just pushed those feelings away, and now I feel guilty about having felt like that about my husband, and I feel like a selfish bitch because I have been enjoying myself.
I don't even know how one person can have so many feelings at once, but right now I feel like I could almost just explode at the thought of them.
And on a side note, it's weird how music can both heal you and make you feel like complete crap depending on what you are listening to.
I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
I don't know what I am even going to be doing or where I am going to be living in the next 3 months. Sure, that is part of being a military wife, but really, it's maddening. I am so terrified to move that I can't even stand it. I was supportive of Kevin because he needed me to be, and I tried to stay positive, but inside I just really don't invite change. I don't want to leave everyone and everything I know behind. I feel like I am actually really happy with my life right now, and I am scared to take the plunge. I don't want to find a "real job" or start a family because I don't feel ready to grow up. I'm afraid that if we move then I will just lose a part of myself. It just feels like too much to just drop everything, start a new job, start a new life, and only have Kevin to rely on. I know my friends are here for me and will be, but it's kinda hard when they are miles away. I don't know what I will do when I can't just call someone up and have something to do in a moment's notice. Another scary aspect is that there is a high likelihood that Kevin will be deployed rather quickly after he finishes his training...if that happens, I can stay here, but then I have to face the fact that he will be overseas in a dangerous environment. I feel like it's just a lose-lose situation. I feel like I am being really selfish in feeling these things because Kevin is doing this to better our future together, but when I look into my future all I see is a big empty space. Quite frankly I am just living day by day, not knowing what is going to happen, not having much of a plan. I feel like lately I have just been so careless and carefree as a way to mask how I feel about things right now. I have been trying to compartmentalize....I put my feelings about Kevin into a little box where I can't see them and try to forget about them, but when they surface it hurts even more. I have been to the point lately where I can't even write him a letter because I don't know what to say...I don't want to spout on for pages and pages about how much I miss him because I know that he is having a hard time there too. At the same time when I don't send him letters I'm sure that hurts him too. I'm really good at just avoiding things I don't want to do. I just have this jumble of mixed emotions right now because for the past few weeks, I have not even felt like I missed him, probably because I just pushed those feelings away, and now I feel guilty about having felt like that about my husband, and I feel like a selfish bitch because I have been enjoying myself.
I don't even know how one person can have so many feelings at once, but right now I feel like I could almost just explode at the thought of them.
And on a side note, it's weird how music can both heal you and make you feel like complete crap depending on what you are listening to.
I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time