Regarding motivation
I don't get up for class sometimes, i don't have strong opinions on very many relevant subjects, I don't feel motivated to do anything much except watch tv or downloaded movies, spend my time visiting friends, going to movies, i avoid taking risks, i avoid making connections which aren't bookended by lies. Ive stopped writing completely [as if i was before], i play guitar but never improve, sometimes i shoot a roll of film but forget the original project's inspiration less than half way through, i spend much of my time in front of screens, or reading books for class or doing assignments for class. sometimes i drink, which is temporary fun. i dont exercise. The very few people who i really care about i never tell, especially the people i live with. [they also don't like eachother]. most people around me i dont care about at all.
It occurs to me that maybe the reason all the good things i have going for me (great classes, supportive parents, smart, sensitive friends, good marks [no B's so far this year], decent job, promising unknown future etc) often dont seem so great is because I lack motivation, not to mention passion.
I know its not unforgiavable to lack purpose at this point in my life - i just turned 20 - thats fine - what bugs me is presicely that my existence is undifferentiated, a non-being which i can shape into anything i want. i can do whatever i want - I could do anything at all - i am so free and so unlimited, there isn't anything that stands in my way.
thats terrifying. so i bury myself in details, and occaisonally i wake up to realize that i still havent found any particular passion that i want to do anything with. Most of the time i feel great, because I'm having fun and doing things I want to do. In any case, whatever this motivation may be doesnt have to be earning a trillion dollars working for some corporation, and it doesnt have to be digging wells in the sudan, and i dont have to devote my entire life to it. i want to start something.
sometimes i think what i want to start is a relationship with a girl, but god knows that only confuses me. if i pursue a girl, im not pursuing that girl out of objective interest in her, but from interest in a preconceived ideal ive projected upon her. [see: last years failure] point is, a girl has to happen to me, she has to strike me, and make me need to pursue her. like this motivation thing im trying to pin down - i think it has to happen to me, because trying things doesnt seem to work. either that or im not trying hard enough. the parallels im trying to draw arent really there. doesnt matter.
i have vague plans: 1. move to australia, work for my uncles factory 2. get a teaching job somewhere in taiwan or japan or korea. 3. apply my exceptional interpersonal skills, and attempt to get one of thsoe fancy jobs out west where they pay you, feed you, train you with wines and foods and you become a knowledgable server, and then they employ you as a highly paid server. 4. take some time off and visit a foreign country. 5. move back in with my parents, masturbate while crying in the shower
all of these plans are on hold until i finish my degree, which for some reason still seems more important than anything else.
i like all of these plans. except for No. 5. Anyways, someday something resembling a purpose will strike me. until then, its skip class, do papers last minute, watch three hours of television with my roommate on thursday nights, daydream about the girl i havent met, and write selfindulgent attention seeking live journal entries late at night.
i could end up under a bus tomorrow. crazy shit happens to people every day, and here I am winging about my feelings. why is it that so many people have no idea what they want from life? there isnt much time to figure it out.
yours,
-B
It occurs to me that maybe the reason all the good things i have going for me (great classes, supportive parents, smart, sensitive friends, good marks [no B's so far this year], decent job, promising unknown future etc) often dont seem so great is because I lack motivation, not to mention passion.
I know its not unforgiavable to lack purpose at this point in my life - i just turned 20 - thats fine - what bugs me is presicely that my existence is undifferentiated, a non-being which i can shape into anything i want. i can do whatever i want - I could do anything at all - i am so free and so unlimited, there isn't anything that stands in my way.
thats terrifying. so i bury myself in details, and occaisonally i wake up to realize that i still havent found any particular passion that i want to do anything with. Most of the time i feel great, because I'm having fun and doing things I want to do. In any case, whatever this motivation may be doesnt have to be earning a trillion dollars working for some corporation, and it doesnt have to be digging wells in the sudan, and i dont have to devote my entire life to it. i want to start something.
sometimes i think what i want to start is a relationship with a girl, but god knows that only confuses me. if i pursue a girl, im not pursuing that girl out of objective interest in her, but from interest in a preconceived ideal ive projected upon her. [see: last years failure] point is, a girl has to happen to me, she has to strike me, and make me need to pursue her. like this motivation thing im trying to pin down - i think it has to happen to me, because trying things doesnt seem to work. either that or im not trying hard enough. the parallels im trying to draw arent really there. doesnt matter.
i have vague plans: 1. move to australia, work for my uncles factory 2. get a teaching job somewhere in taiwan or japan or korea. 3. apply my exceptional interpersonal skills, and attempt to get one of thsoe fancy jobs out west where they pay you, feed you, train you with wines and foods and you become a knowledgable server, and then they employ you as a highly paid server. 4. take some time off and visit a foreign country. 5. move back in with my parents, masturbate while crying in the shower
all of these plans are on hold until i finish my degree, which for some reason still seems more important than anything else.
i like all of these plans. except for No. 5. Anyways, someday something resembling a purpose will strike me. until then, its skip class, do papers last minute, watch three hours of television with my roommate on thursday nights, daydream about the girl i havent met, and write selfindulgent attention seeking live journal entries late at night.
i could end up under a bus tomorrow. crazy shit happens to people every day, and here I am winging about my feelings. why is it that so many people have no idea what they want from life? there isnt much time to figure it out.
yours,
-B