(no subject)
i think i forgot about livejournal; i assume it forgot about me as well. my life became very stagnant for a while, i was doing too much and going nowhere.. just doddling along and fucking off. i don't understand what drove me to ruin anything good i had ever set myself up for. i am chock full of self-destructive tendancies, with ambition but no real goals and an unhealthy attraction to personal pain. i can try to trace my issues back to single events, people, relationship(s), but the blame is on myself. i don't seek pity, and i hate to be objectified. talked to like i don't understand exactly what you mean. a lot of people think i am far more naive than i really am. the truth is that i am very good at understanding concepts, whether it's something somebody tells me or the words they choose, the pauses they take or the look on their face.
i can't express myself. i can crack anyone but myself. i pull the dumb little girl act because that is what everyone seems to expect from me. but i know how you feel, about me, about yourself, about the world. i really do know.
i am starting to get things back on track. i have the nerd gene at heart, we'll do big things. when i was 14 years old and comfortable with everything that i had taught myself i had this yearning that i was meant for something bigger than myself. i'm not vain. despite of all i just wrote i do not think highly of myself, mentally of physically. but i have to learn to live with myself, with the body i ruined, with the mind i abused and the potential i do not have the effort to live up to.
i'm going to go back to high school. i'm not quitting partying. i'm not going to stop doing drugs. but i'm done with certain personal habits. i'm done with mind-dulling cocain, and i stopped doing uppers a few months ago and have not yet had any urge to be a fucking sketchbag.
(but yeah, ketamine isn't an upper. hehe.)
i'm not depressed. i'm actually quite happy.
hahahaha. whatever. fuck off.
i can't express myself. i can crack anyone but myself. i pull the dumb little girl act because that is what everyone seems to expect from me. but i know how you feel, about me, about yourself, about the world. i really do know.
i am starting to get things back on track. i have the nerd gene at heart, we'll do big things. when i was 14 years old and comfortable with everything that i had taught myself i had this yearning that i was meant for something bigger than myself. i'm not vain. despite of all i just wrote i do not think highly of myself, mentally of physically. but i have to learn to live with myself, with the body i ruined, with the mind i abused and the potential i do not have the effort to live up to.
i'm going to go back to high school. i'm not quitting partying. i'm not going to stop doing drugs. but i'm done with certain personal habits. i'm done with mind-dulling cocain, and i stopped doing uppers a few months ago and have not yet had any urge to be a fucking sketchbag.
(but yeah, ketamine isn't an upper. hehe.)
i'm not depressed. i'm actually quite happy.
hahahaha. whatever. fuck off.