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It's X Factor time again! It is shameful to admit, but I have been looking forward to tonight. We've made it through the auditions (which I did not watch, because I have this embarrassment squick and an aversion to severe tunelessness), and we've made it through the orgy of crying that is the heats, and now we're at the live finals, which I am recapping for no apparent reason.
Dermot introduces the judges. I love Dermot. THE JUDGES OH MY GOD! screams the backing music. I am underwhelmed.
Kimberley is up first for the girls. She's kind of a likeable big blonde brummie chipmunk. They've got some choreography and dancers set up for her. She's worried about looking like "a right moose".
She sings It's Raining Men. It starts off too low for her, but she gets more into it in the chorus. She doesn't look like a right moose, and she looks fun, but she's not a great singer. It all sounds a bit karaoke. Sharon, Dannii and Louis say complimentary things. Simon says it was like karaoke on a big budget, and tells the audience to shut up when they protest. Ha. Then he says the dancers struggled a bit in the middle, which I think is a reference to the lift and her weight. Shut up, Simon. Kimberley says it's fine and she still fancies Simon.
Boys: Andy! Clips of Andy crying and being Welsh to a backing track of James Blunt. Please, no James Blunt.
Andy's fringe is doing a weird stuck to his forehead thing. He's singing I Don't Want To Talk About It and is obviously nervous. He sounds like an Irish folky soft pop singer whose fanbase is millions of grandmas.
Louis likes it. Louis has made bagsful of money off boys singing soft pop to grandmas. Sharon says he's fabulous. Simon says he's like a singing puppy and calls him wet. He also says it's the best vocal we're going to hear tonight. I sincerely hope not. Dannii says something supportive and dull.
Break!
It's groups time! First of the groups is fake boy group Futureproof. The choreographer makes them look at themselves in the mirror. One of them can't look at himself and says he's insecure about his looks. Aw. He looks alright to me, in a bland boyband kind of way.
Oh bollocks, they're singing She's The One. It's not a terrible song, but it's so predictable. You know how if you mix up all the colours together you get a sort of murky nothingy greyish brown? Futureproof look like if you mixed up all the boybands together. I kind of like Grey Jumper's voice. Shiny Jacket is bit affected. Insecure Spice is okay. I can't hear Gayface or Neckerchief. They sound quite nice, but I have the same complaint I always have with the groups on this show: the backing track is too loud and is drowning out the harmonies. They had moments of sounding utterly wonderful in the heats, but there's none of that tonight.
The judges are vaguely enthusiastic and Dannii makes sexual advances towards Insecure Spice, whose name is apparently Sean, in the name of boosting his confidence. At least I hope that's why.
Over 25s: it's Beverley's turn. Is she going to make Dermot cry again? Wow, she looks completely different (and rather awesome) in her long shiny hair and long shiny dress. She's singing "I Will Survive", and is actually quite good. The whole presentation is very campy and fun, including a man dancer who she spurns and some gentle choreographed steps from Beverley herself. I like her. She won't last.
Dannii's generally positive but says she did a few bum notes. Sharon: blah. Louis probably says something enthusiastic. Simon says she looks great but can't dance and it was all a bit Stars In Their Eyes and she can't sing something from Louis's record collection every week. Simon makes first gay insinuation at Louis: mark your scorecards.
Beverley admires Dermot's suit. They obviously have a rapport since she made him cry. Dermot kisses her cheek and admires her magic hair. It's a mutual admiration thing.
Break!
Girls: Sharon says Emily is the youngest girl in the contest. I am not in favour of the lowering of the age limit to fourteen (I had enough of sobbing sixteen year olds last year), but that's not Emily's fault. Sharon says Emily is a survivor. SHE DIED ONCE REMEMBER.
Emily is singing ... I don't know what she's singing. She's wearing a bright purple stripy blazer with badges on it, it's very distracting. Oh, it's Knew You Were Waiting. She has a nice tone to her voice but sounds very young and inexperienced and quite shouty, and she goes out of tune a bit.
Louis says he wants to hear her to do a big ballad. Big surprise there. Dannii agrees. Simon says the vocals were a bit flat in the middle but he wants to see her next week. Sharon says motherly things. Dermot reminds everybody Emily's only fifteen. Simon says they have to treat everyone the same regardless of age and they shouldn't be patronising towards the younger ones. Sharon says Emily doesn't have as much time to spend on rehearsals as the others because of homework. Simon says she shouldn't have entered it then. Sharon says he shouldn't have lowered the age limit. Sharon, Emily's standing RIGHT THERE.
Boys: It's Scottish Leon who Loves His Mum. He looks a bit like Pete Docherty but slightly cleaner. Dancers again. He's singing ... Money Can't Buy Me Love ... in big band style. What? I am extremely confused. He's singing all right, but WHY GOD WHY? His vocals are fine but it sounds like a big pointless mess. Dannii Minogue, why did you do this?
Louis says he has amazing potential but the song was a disaster. Sharon is in agreement. Simon says it was a nightmare. Dannii is a bit miffed. She says it's music that he's passionate about and that's why they chose the song. Oh, PLEASE not another kid who does big band every week. Didn't we suffer enough last year with Awful Plastic Ray?
Dermot tries to defend Leon and his "doing something a bit different". Dermot, did you not watch the last series?
Break.
Groups: It's the horrendously annoying brother and sister group Same Difference. They're so smiley and happy! I want to hit them in the head! They're singing Tragedy! and my treacherous foot is tapping. They're not great; they're obviously not used to singing anything quite so up tempo. But damn that Simon Cowell, he managed to find a way for me not to hate them.
Louis says it was awful and cheesy but very Simon Cowell. I'm sure he could have worked a gay insinuation in there somewhere, he'll be kicking himself later. Sharon says something dull. Dannii has criticisms about the vocals - harsh but fair, and she's actually trying to be constructive with everybody unlike the other judges. Simon points out how successful High School Musical is with the smiley happy Disney cheesiness, and Louis and he start shouting at each other for some reason.
Over 25s: Nicky! Oh, sorry, it's Niki, apparently. Her father died, didn't you know. All right, Niki, you don't have to keep going on about it. She sings Nothing Compares 2 U. She's very good, but she's not Sinead O'Connor and she doesn't really bring anything new to it. It's boring.
Sharon says she's in a class of her own and might be a winner. Dannii says she's a real singer (unlike all the others, obviously). Simon says she has to put the dad thing behind her, and that she was fantastic. He also says Louis should apologise for being disrespectful to his over 25s when the categories were announced. Louis says he loves working with Niki. Simon says he should apologise. Louis refuses. They go on a bit. This show would be about 50% shorter if they didn't bother with this drama between the judges rubbish.
Break!
Girls: Alisha. Yay! Alisha's the only one I actually liked in the heats. She has a sort of Mary J Blige strength/vulnerability thing going on with her voice. Plus she has great hair. She has stairs to contend with this week. She is very worried about falling down the stairs. I feel for you, Alisha. I always worry about falling down stairs.
She's singing Gabrielle's Dreams. I hate this song. She's a bit all over the place vocally, and I choose to blame the song, because I know she can sound a lot better. But she makes it down the stairs!
Louis says she looks like a diva but he wasn't crazy about the song. Dannii likes her voice but says she has to connect with the camera. Simon says he likes her but thinks we know the least about her. That's because she's not been haemorrhaging her sob story all over the place like everyone else. THAT's why I like Alisha. That and the fact that she's fabulous. Simon also says he didn't like the song. Sharon says the song was all her fault and she chose wrong. She says fire her, not Alisha. I totally agree. Can we vote off the judges?
Dermot says it's the last of the boys next, and "whatta boy!". Oh, Dermot, you should say that more often.
It's Rhydian. They're totally building him up to be a love-to-hate-him type figure. I just hate him. He's not nearly as Welsh as Andy, so he gets no points there. He's singing I Will Do Anything For Love and is camping it up spectacularly. He has a sparkly black suit and they've bleached the shit out of his already blond hair and it's all stuck up very vertical and high. Okay, so he has a strong voice and knows how to use it, but I don't particularly like it and I still don't like him.
Louis doesn't know what to say. Shut up, then. Sharon says he's a strange boy. Then she says "mama doesn't know what to make of you," which is a bit weird. Then she says "can I see your chest," which is a lot weird. Simon says it was by far the best performance we've seen tonight. I might grudgingly agree, if only because of the hair. Dannii says it was genius.
Rhyd tells Dermot he wants to stay in so he can prove he's not an egotistic maniac. He's a bit shaky and I almost feel sorry for him. Then he goes on and on and I hate him again. Then he leaves the stage when he's supposed to stay on while Dermot's reading out his vote number, and I kind of feel sorry for him again. Damn you, show!
Break!
Over 25s: Daniel. Daniel The Single Dad. Daniel whose mother and father are both dead (that's 100% more dead parents than Niki, if you're counting). Daniel who looks a bit like Hugh Jackman, but more Spaniel than Wolverine. Spaniel cries in the clip. Because his mum and dad are dead.
He's singing Baby You're All That I Want, or whatever that Bryan Adams song is called. He's good in the quiet bits, but doesn't quite carry off the chorus. He's kind of inoffensively sweet.
Sharon calls him darling and tells him to "smile for mother". She is Creeping. Me. Out. Dannii says he has improved since rehearsal but notes that he was nervous. Simon says he's not a rock singer and the production showed him up. Louis says it wasn't the best performance of the night but he has a lot more to give.
Dermot's so short even next to tiny Spaniel. Spaniel's little son is in the audience (apparently with his mother, because Single Dad doesn't mean the same thing as Single Mum) and Dermot makes him nearly cry by telling him to wave. The little boy, not Spaniel, although I'm sure Spaniel will cry too if you want.
Groups: Hope, or Fake Girl Group, or the Pretend Pussycat Dolls. The choreographer says if they don't carry off the outfits they will look like men in drag. What?
Raquel The Merciless seems to be missing most of her shirt, but I think that's probably the way she likes it. They are singing Umbrella, as they did in the heats. The harmonies are kind of on and off, but I like the fact that I can actually hear them. Raccoon Hair is a good singer. I didn't notice before how much taller the black girl is than the others. They ought to get her lower shoes.
Louis says they are great. Sharon says she hates them because they are too good. Dannii thanks Louis for his idea of putting together the leftover solo kids to make groups and Louis is like "Oh Yes! That was my spontaneous idea and totally not planned in advance at all!" Simon says something nice and particularly picks out Raccoon Hair and the fact that she is just sixteen. Because he treats everyone the same regardless of age, remember?
It's the end! Dermot introduces clips in case we have short term amnesia.
Kimberly: tuneless
Andy: dull
Futureproof: not as good as before
Beverley: fab
Emily: shouty
Leon: carcrash
Same Difference: annoying
Niki: technically sound
Alisha: disappointing
Rhydian: scary
Spaniel: sweet
Hope: possibly okay
So that's all for now. Vote Alisha!
Dermot introduces the judges. I love Dermot. THE JUDGES OH MY GOD! screams the backing music. I am underwhelmed.
Kimberley is up first for the girls. She's kind of a likeable big blonde brummie chipmunk. They've got some choreography and dancers set up for her. She's worried about looking like "a right moose".
She sings It's Raining Men. It starts off too low for her, but she gets more into it in the chorus. She doesn't look like a right moose, and she looks fun, but she's not a great singer. It all sounds a bit karaoke. Sharon, Dannii and Louis say complimentary things. Simon says it was like karaoke on a big budget, and tells the audience to shut up when they protest. Ha. Then he says the dancers struggled a bit in the middle, which I think is a reference to the lift and her weight. Shut up, Simon. Kimberley says it's fine and she still fancies Simon.
Boys: Andy! Clips of Andy crying and being Welsh to a backing track of James Blunt. Please, no James Blunt.
Andy's fringe is doing a weird stuck to his forehead thing. He's singing I Don't Want To Talk About It and is obviously nervous. He sounds like an Irish folky soft pop singer whose fanbase is millions of grandmas.
Louis likes it. Louis has made bagsful of money off boys singing soft pop to grandmas. Sharon says he's fabulous. Simon says he's like a singing puppy and calls him wet. He also says it's the best vocal we're going to hear tonight. I sincerely hope not. Dannii says something supportive and dull.
Break!
It's groups time! First of the groups is fake boy group Futureproof. The choreographer makes them look at themselves in the mirror. One of them can't look at himself and says he's insecure about his looks. Aw. He looks alright to me, in a bland boyband kind of way.
Oh bollocks, they're singing She's The One. It's not a terrible song, but it's so predictable. You know how if you mix up all the colours together you get a sort of murky nothingy greyish brown? Futureproof look like if you mixed up all the boybands together. I kind of like Grey Jumper's voice. Shiny Jacket is bit affected. Insecure Spice is okay. I can't hear Gayface or Neckerchief. They sound quite nice, but I have the same complaint I always have with the groups on this show: the backing track is too loud and is drowning out the harmonies. They had moments of sounding utterly wonderful in the heats, but there's none of that tonight.
The judges are vaguely enthusiastic and Dannii makes sexual advances towards Insecure Spice, whose name is apparently Sean, in the name of boosting his confidence. At least I hope that's why.
Over 25s: it's Beverley's turn. Is she going to make Dermot cry again? Wow, she looks completely different (and rather awesome) in her long shiny hair and long shiny dress. She's singing "I Will Survive", and is actually quite good. The whole presentation is very campy and fun, including a man dancer who she spurns and some gentle choreographed steps from Beverley herself. I like her. She won't last.
Dannii's generally positive but says she did a few bum notes. Sharon: blah. Louis probably says something enthusiastic. Simon says she looks great but can't dance and it was all a bit Stars In Their Eyes and she can't sing something from Louis's record collection every week. Simon makes first gay insinuation at Louis: mark your scorecards.
Beverley admires Dermot's suit. They obviously have a rapport since she made him cry. Dermot kisses her cheek and admires her magic hair. It's a mutual admiration thing.
Break!
Girls: Sharon says Emily is the youngest girl in the contest. I am not in favour of the lowering of the age limit to fourteen (I had enough of sobbing sixteen year olds last year), but that's not Emily's fault. Sharon says Emily is a survivor. SHE DIED ONCE REMEMBER.
Emily is singing ... I don't know what she's singing. She's wearing a bright purple stripy blazer with badges on it, it's very distracting. Oh, it's Knew You Were Waiting. She has a nice tone to her voice but sounds very young and inexperienced and quite shouty, and she goes out of tune a bit.
Louis says he wants to hear her to do a big ballad. Big surprise there. Dannii agrees. Simon says the vocals were a bit flat in the middle but he wants to see her next week. Sharon says motherly things. Dermot reminds everybody Emily's only fifteen. Simon says they have to treat everyone the same regardless of age and they shouldn't be patronising towards the younger ones. Sharon says Emily doesn't have as much time to spend on rehearsals as the others because of homework. Simon says she shouldn't have entered it then. Sharon says he shouldn't have lowered the age limit. Sharon, Emily's standing RIGHT THERE.
Boys: It's Scottish Leon who Loves His Mum. He looks a bit like Pete Docherty but slightly cleaner. Dancers again. He's singing ... Money Can't Buy Me Love ... in big band style. What? I am extremely confused. He's singing all right, but WHY GOD WHY? His vocals are fine but it sounds like a big pointless mess. Dannii Minogue, why did you do this?
Louis says he has amazing potential but the song was a disaster. Sharon is in agreement. Simon says it was a nightmare. Dannii is a bit miffed. She says it's music that he's passionate about and that's why they chose the song. Oh, PLEASE not another kid who does big band every week. Didn't we suffer enough last year with Awful Plastic Ray?
Dermot tries to defend Leon and his "doing something a bit different". Dermot, did you not watch the last series?
Break.
Groups: It's the horrendously annoying brother and sister group Same Difference. They're so smiley and happy! I want to hit them in the head! They're singing Tragedy! and my treacherous foot is tapping. They're not great; they're obviously not used to singing anything quite so up tempo. But damn that Simon Cowell, he managed to find a way for me not to hate them.
Louis says it was awful and cheesy but very Simon Cowell. I'm sure he could have worked a gay insinuation in there somewhere, he'll be kicking himself later. Sharon says something dull. Dannii has criticisms about the vocals - harsh but fair, and she's actually trying to be constructive with everybody unlike the other judges. Simon points out how successful High School Musical is with the smiley happy Disney cheesiness, and Louis and he start shouting at each other for some reason.
Over 25s: Nicky! Oh, sorry, it's Niki, apparently. Her father died, didn't you know. All right, Niki, you don't have to keep going on about it. She sings Nothing Compares 2 U. She's very good, but she's not Sinead O'Connor and she doesn't really bring anything new to it. It's boring.
Sharon says she's in a class of her own and might be a winner. Dannii says she's a real singer (unlike all the others, obviously). Simon says she has to put the dad thing behind her, and that she was fantastic. He also says Louis should apologise for being disrespectful to his over 25s when the categories were announced. Louis says he loves working with Niki. Simon says he should apologise. Louis refuses. They go on a bit. This show would be about 50% shorter if they didn't bother with this drama between the judges rubbish.
Break!
Girls: Alisha. Yay! Alisha's the only one I actually liked in the heats. She has a sort of Mary J Blige strength/vulnerability thing going on with her voice. Plus she has great hair. She has stairs to contend with this week. She is very worried about falling down the stairs. I feel for you, Alisha. I always worry about falling down stairs.
She's singing Gabrielle's Dreams. I hate this song. She's a bit all over the place vocally, and I choose to blame the song, because I know she can sound a lot better. But she makes it down the stairs!
Louis says she looks like a diva but he wasn't crazy about the song. Dannii likes her voice but says she has to connect with the camera. Simon says he likes her but thinks we know the least about her. That's because she's not been haemorrhaging her sob story all over the place like everyone else. THAT's why I like Alisha. That and the fact that she's fabulous. Simon also says he didn't like the song. Sharon says the song was all her fault and she chose wrong. She says fire her, not Alisha. I totally agree. Can we vote off the judges?
Dermot says it's the last of the boys next, and "whatta boy!". Oh, Dermot, you should say that more often.
It's Rhydian. They're totally building him up to be a love-to-hate-him type figure. I just hate him. He's not nearly as Welsh as Andy, so he gets no points there. He's singing I Will Do Anything For Love and is camping it up spectacularly. He has a sparkly black suit and they've bleached the shit out of his already blond hair and it's all stuck up very vertical and high. Okay, so he has a strong voice and knows how to use it, but I don't particularly like it and I still don't like him.
Louis doesn't know what to say. Shut up, then. Sharon says he's a strange boy. Then she says "mama doesn't know what to make of you," which is a bit weird. Then she says "can I see your chest," which is a lot weird. Simon says it was by far the best performance we've seen tonight. I might grudgingly agree, if only because of the hair. Dannii says it was genius.
Rhyd tells Dermot he wants to stay in so he can prove he's not an egotistic maniac. He's a bit shaky and I almost feel sorry for him. Then he goes on and on and I hate him again. Then he leaves the stage when he's supposed to stay on while Dermot's reading out his vote number, and I kind of feel sorry for him again. Damn you, show!
Break!
Over 25s: Daniel. Daniel The Single Dad. Daniel whose mother and father are both dead (that's 100% more dead parents than Niki, if you're counting). Daniel who looks a bit like Hugh Jackman, but more Spaniel than Wolverine. Spaniel cries in the clip. Because his mum and dad are dead.
He's singing Baby You're All That I Want, or whatever that Bryan Adams song is called. He's good in the quiet bits, but doesn't quite carry off the chorus. He's kind of inoffensively sweet.
Sharon calls him darling and tells him to "smile for mother". She is Creeping. Me. Out. Dannii says he has improved since rehearsal but notes that he was nervous. Simon says he's not a rock singer and the production showed him up. Louis says it wasn't the best performance of the night but he has a lot more to give.
Dermot's so short even next to tiny Spaniel. Spaniel's little son is in the audience (apparently with his mother, because Single Dad doesn't mean the same thing as Single Mum) and Dermot makes him nearly cry by telling him to wave. The little boy, not Spaniel, although I'm sure Spaniel will cry too if you want.
Groups: Hope, or Fake Girl Group, or the Pretend Pussycat Dolls. The choreographer says if they don't carry off the outfits they will look like men in drag. What?
Raquel The Merciless seems to be missing most of her shirt, but I think that's probably the way she likes it. They are singing Umbrella, as they did in the heats. The harmonies are kind of on and off, but I like the fact that I can actually hear them. Raccoon Hair is a good singer. I didn't notice before how much taller the black girl is than the others. They ought to get her lower shoes.
Louis says they are great. Sharon says she hates them because they are too good. Dannii thanks Louis for his idea of putting together the leftover solo kids to make groups and Louis is like "Oh Yes! That was my spontaneous idea and totally not planned in advance at all!" Simon says something nice and particularly picks out Raccoon Hair and the fact that she is just sixteen. Because he treats everyone the same regardless of age, remember?
It's the end! Dermot introduces clips in case we have short term amnesia.
Kimberly: tuneless
Andy: dull
Futureproof: not as good as before
Beverley: fab
Emily: shouty
Leon: carcrash
Same Difference: annoying
Niki: technically sound
Alisha: disappointing
Rhydian: scary
Spaniel: sweet
Hope: possibly okay
So that's all for now. Vote Alisha!