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So this past like week has not been good on a cassie girl. i was going to write in this last night when i was all fucked up, i think, but i don't really remember what happened. anyways it started out wednesday a week ago when i met this guy, dwayne. he came into my work, and asked me out for that night. so he waited until i got off work, and we went to the bar together. we hit it off right away, as is so common to do with me. then we just kept drinking, and drinking, and then he got REALLY drunk. i'm used to guys out drinking me, not me out drinking the guy. but he said he hardly ever drinks, so i let it slide. anyways, he starts asking me to come over to the hotel he's staying at (he's working on constructing the new highway here) and i said no...and then he said i must not like him if i wouldn't go home with him..like oh yea, that's going to make a girl drop her pants, right? well i went home with him..HA..but i slept in the opposite bed as him, making quite sure not to fuck him. but it was weird, on the drive back to my car before we decided to go to the hotel, we were arguing like maybe we've been married for years and years. there was even a point where he stopped the car and asked me if i wanted to drive, ebcause he was so fucked up. what kind of guy is this, anyway? so he woke me up int he morning and drove me back to my car. he came and visited me that day at work, and we hung out again that night. and the next night. we always got in fights, it was insane. ive never got in a fight with my guys, i didn't really understood what brought all the anger out in me...besides the fact he is so cool when he's sober, and such a douche when he's drunk. when we would go out it would get to the point that i would drink his drinks when he wasn't looking so he wouldn't get so drunk...or i would keep ordering myself new drinks just so i could be drunk enough to deal with him. i drank wednesday night, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, monday night...Monday night was the worst, for sure. Dwayne and i talked on the phone and i told him i wasgoing to be at the bar with amanda, and he said he'd stop by. he wanted to go to bed early, since he hadnt been getting much sleep and desperately needed it. he was going to leave the bar around ten...and instead he stayed till closing. of course he was drunk, so of course we were pissed at eachother. he wanted to go home alone that night, and i was perfectly content with that. until he started asking me to come home with him. so i told amanda to take my car, and that id see her the next day because i was going home with dwayne. well when dwayne notices that my cars gone, he gets so pissed that he's 'stuck' with me, or something. so i told him to stop the car. if he didnt want me there then he could get rid of me. i swear to god i came as close as i ever have to jumping out of a car going 80 down the highway. i just didn't care. after screaming at him to stop, he pulls over at a gas station and i get out of the car. i just walk away and sit on the curb, and he leaves his car there idling...and idling...and then he pulls up a little further, so that we can have a direct line of eye contact, but i could tell it was pissing him off that i was looking at him. i was literally sitting on the curb of a gas station at two in the morning with my head in my hands crying. i swear to god that would NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN to me. i could tell he wanted me to walk back to his car so badly, and i wasn't going to do it. he finally got pissed, and took off...almost getting in a wreck right in front of me. i call amanda and she comes and gets me, and i just melt down. i went home and wrote him this huge long letter that's too personal for even me to put on here, and i dont know if he'll ever even see it..or if those were even my intentions..i think ij ust needed to get some shit out. i called him wednesday morning to see if he was mad at me..and he said no, and i asked if i would see him when he got off work..and he said yea, because its his last night in and he was going to take me out. well he never calls me, i try to call him and he already has checked out of his hotel room. i went and saw stacy (my co worker) at our work and i told her news of what happenend. i ended up helping her close the store down, working for free, just because i didnt want to be at my house thinking about shit. after we're off work, we got a 4 pack of sparks, and each drank two on the way to the bar after we smoked a bowl. we got to the bar, and we had two red beers. i loved being in the bar, we were the only two girls and there were about a dozen extremely attractive young men that dont usually frequent hunnys. i left the bar and went back to stacy's house, where we started popping pills. anyoen that knows me, knows i've never done pills ever, i have a fear of them that keeps me from it. however right now, i'm down, and i don't care. i took so many pills, i was so faded. i hardly remember last night. id ont remember driving home, or goign to bed, or anything. tonight i've got to go drinking again, just to make it one whole entire week in a row and i can feel a little more fucked up and sorry for myself. i'm fucking hating shit now, and there's nothing anyone can do to fix it. i'm broken, i'm shaken, and shit isnt right in my head. there's still one guy that i'm so completely still in to and i doubt ill ever get him. there's a chance hes reading this right now, but i really doubt it. for once in my life, i don't know what to do with me.