ok last time i swear
lets call them "episodes". i havent had an "episode" in maybe 6 weeks. yesterday i cracked. and i am alone in italy so i had no comfort. but i usually dont go seeking comfort. this is something i have to overcome on my own. but its nice to have someone rub your back or just hold your hand. i dont like to talk about things. but i need to. its just so hard, who do i talk to? and how do i even bring it up? what do i say? i have to get you out of my system. it makes me feel weak to cry, and i cry over you more than i've ever cried before. it hurts so bad. i didn't know pain like this exsisted. i want to go to you for strength, but instead i am finding weakness. i do not know if i will ever let go. i just pray that one day i see you again. ryan, my heart still belongs to you.