(no subject)
ive got my tv, and my dvd player, but no cords to connect them. so ive been curling up in my twin size cushion on the floor of my living room reading middlesex next to the fireplace. i know it will be better once ive moved all of my belongings into the apartment, but with it being the holidays, im getting quite lonely. i already feel the distance seeping into my friendships. and had i money, i would go out and try to make new friends. the thing is that im really a very staid type of person. content in the time ive invested into current friendships and reluctant to go through all the effort with new people here at "home". i love being back at work though. it gets me through the days. i dont know what i would do if i werent working today. im busy, and still keep fending off the weepy feeling ive had the past couple of days.
my mom isnt really doing christmas this year, and my dad had neglected to invite me to be part of his again. friends and family have all these plans, and im sitting here thinking to myself...id rather be alone and know someone was near, than be completely isolated and wake up entirely by myself on christmas morning. which is ridiculous. because christmas is a religous holiday, and ive no religious inclinations. though im considering going to the "midnight" service in davis for old times sake..that, and so i dont have to be alone. so far, it seems like im going to be driving out to sacramento to spend christmas eve with tim..or at his apartment while he works the night away. and ill wake up with him christmas morning...like we were supposed to last year. before things deteriorated entirely in a way id never expected.
its funny, because its all so familiar with him. but without the blinding lust or emotions to cloud the encounters. he knows me; sometimes you cant ask for more than that. we're both such cynical and disallusioned souls when it comes to the holidays and family. he's been this way, and only now am i understanding how he's come to be that way. it makes sense though, to me. because each year my heart's broken just a little bit more as ive gotten just a little bit further from the family circle. some of it is my own doing, i know that. but i cant undo what has been done, no matter how ive tried. but my dad has his own family, with sean and staci and her parents. and thats a family ive never really been a part of. i mean, her parents still call me sheryl, and they've been "family" for about 13 years now.
i rarely allow myself to think about how i let things go, but when i let go, it all comes flooding in. i know im excessively melancholy right now due to the holidays, but right now i cant imagine it being better. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, i suppose. because yesterday i was happy and peppy and optimistic. there are times i just want to stop trying. but most of the time, im just not sure how to try. i guess however i best can.
anyways, merry christmas to all. i hope you find love and comfort and joy in whatever you're doing this weekend.
my mom isnt really doing christmas this year, and my dad had neglected to invite me to be part of his again. friends and family have all these plans, and im sitting here thinking to myself...id rather be alone and know someone was near, than be completely isolated and wake up entirely by myself on christmas morning. which is ridiculous. because christmas is a religous holiday, and ive no religious inclinations. though im considering going to the "midnight" service in davis for old times sake..that, and so i dont have to be alone. so far, it seems like im going to be driving out to sacramento to spend christmas eve with tim..or at his apartment while he works the night away. and ill wake up with him christmas morning...like we were supposed to last year. before things deteriorated entirely in a way id never expected.
its funny, because its all so familiar with him. but without the blinding lust or emotions to cloud the encounters. he knows me; sometimes you cant ask for more than that. we're both such cynical and disallusioned souls when it comes to the holidays and family. he's been this way, and only now am i understanding how he's come to be that way. it makes sense though, to me. because each year my heart's broken just a little bit more as ive gotten just a little bit further from the family circle. some of it is my own doing, i know that. but i cant undo what has been done, no matter how ive tried. but my dad has his own family, with sean and staci and her parents. and thats a family ive never really been a part of. i mean, her parents still call me sheryl, and they've been "family" for about 13 years now.
i rarely allow myself to think about how i let things go, but when i let go, it all comes flooding in. i know im excessively melancholy right now due to the holidays, but right now i cant imagine it being better. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, i suppose. because yesterday i was happy and peppy and optimistic. there are times i just want to stop trying. but most of the time, im just not sure how to try. i guess however i best can.
anyways, merry christmas to all. i hope you find love and comfort and joy in whatever you're doing this weekend.