no more settling allowed
i walked home from roma tonight, the wind blowing the leaves around as forcefully as the thoughts in my head. mabye my heart is more accurate. i can honestly say that i am a trillion times happier living back in davis. but there's this...something missing. and as always, that something is this evasive obscurity that i have yet to pinpoint. its amazing, the things and events and people that can happen in such short periods of time. i lose myself in it all, like i used to. and in doing so, am i losing myself? there are very few people in my life that keep me grounded. right now, only a handful come to mind. perpetually people of my past and present. i know how lucky i am to have them. for instance, cat? crazy? ive known her for what seems all of my life. in fact, you could say i have known her all of my life. before her, my life wasn't really much of anything. we've been through good times, and bad, and mediocre times. and have memories upon memories together. i remember all our little strays from jr high. like little william. though i suppose he can't be so little anymore. and popsicles during pe with mr. ariola, and the day she dyed my hair for me for the first time. memories of youth group, and church, of firsts and lasts, of school and work. i remember this book we had. in highschool, it was our british book. we'd take turns writing notes in it during class, and pass it back and forth throughout the day. and then we'd lose touch, but one of us would find it randomly...and write a note, and pass it off again. and begin the friendship anew. and then there are my "ghosts". the exes. peter, and tim, and dylan. all of whom are in my life to one extent or another. cat and i keep arguing that i need to move on. and i know she's right because i cant just recylce the old forever. its the comfort of the familiar. those oh so dangerous memories and that complete and utter feeling of security that comes with really knowing someone and having them know you. seeing through all the bullshit. i dont know where to begin, or where to end things. friendship, i suppose, is as good as anything.
im going to be twenty in less than a month. and yes, that is still young. then again, its not. because how quickly have the past nineteen years flown past? in a blink of an eye is how. im an adult. i have responsibilities and mature relationships and deep thoughts. though the latter certainly is fewer and far between than id like. or maybe its that i dont take the time to write it all down anymore. i do miss writing, so very much. ive taken to "journaling" at work. meaning i find a spare page, and write whatever thoughts are in my head at the time. but i dont consolidate or put them anywhere. instead i rip them up at the end of the day, and they lay broken in the trash bin below my desk. and every morning it's empty. as though they never existed and had no importance. perhaps thats how it should be. get them out, and let them go. keep them from cluttering my life the way my shoes clutter my closet. i dont know. i do know that the holidays are almost here. i remember how i used to feel about the holidays. ecstatic. because they meant family, and friends, food, and company. they meant good spirits, and familiarity and connection with other people. and giving. as odd as it is, and as much as i love getting presents, i loved the buying of them the most. but this year? ive stumbled into the holiday seasons blindly. thinking they're farther off than they really are, and not caring to stop the illusion. none of my family gets together anymore. its been over a year since ive seen anyone other than my parents; longer than that im sure, if i cared to pause long enough to figure out the specifics. i dont know what im doing for thanksgiving, or christmas, or new years. and i cant seem to bring myself to care. its lost its luster which breaks my heart because god was it a glorious luster.
when did i let life become so complicated? or is this just what part of growing up is all about. if thats true, then maybe id rather stay nineteen and hold off on the growing up more than i already have. i have these moments of weakness during which i wish for a ghost. someone to take care of me, to take care of. to share things with. life, and laughter. tears and sorrow. cat brought something to my attention the other day when we were having a discussion about exes. she "swears" she cant stand any of mine. truthfully, i think its because she knows the intimate details of the hurt i went through with them. or the many times ive put myself through self-inflicted self-destructive hurt with one or the other. but i asked her...if she had to pick one she liked more than all the others, who would it be. and her answer surprised me. tim. tim, of all the ones, who i hurt the most after. who i broke my heart for because i knew we werent happy anymore and someone had to end it. so i asked her why. and her answer was honest. because when you were with him, before things got bad? you were happier than i had ever seen you before. hows that for honest? so of course it got me thinking. but ive been thinking far too much tonight, and even more in the past two days. so i think ill leave this at that, and curl up with my dog and a good book.
im going to be twenty in less than a month. and yes, that is still young. then again, its not. because how quickly have the past nineteen years flown past? in a blink of an eye is how. im an adult. i have responsibilities and mature relationships and deep thoughts. though the latter certainly is fewer and far between than id like. or maybe its that i dont take the time to write it all down anymore. i do miss writing, so very much. ive taken to "journaling" at work. meaning i find a spare page, and write whatever thoughts are in my head at the time. but i dont consolidate or put them anywhere. instead i rip them up at the end of the day, and they lay broken in the trash bin below my desk. and every morning it's empty. as though they never existed and had no importance. perhaps thats how it should be. get them out, and let them go. keep them from cluttering my life the way my shoes clutter my closet. i dont know. i do know that the holidays are almost here. i remember how i used to feel about the holidays. ecstatic. because they meant family, and friends, food, and company. they meant good spirits, and familiarity and connection with other people. and giving. as odd as it is, and as much as i love getting presents, i loved the buying of them the most. but this year? ive stumbled into the holiday seasons blindly. thinking they're farther off than they really are, and not caring to stop the illusion. none of my family gets together anymore. its been over a year since ive seen anyone other than my parents; longer than that im sure, if i cared to pause long enough to figure out the specifics. i dont know what im doing for thanksgiving, or christmas, or new years. and i cant seem to bring myself to care. its lost its luster which breaks my heart because god was it a glorious luster.
when did i let life become so complicated? or is this just what part of growing up is all about. if thats true, then maybe id rather stay nineteen and hold off on the growing up more than i already have. i have these moments of weakness during which i wish for a ghost. someone to take care of me, to take care of. to share things with. life, and laughter. tears and sorrow. cat brought something to my attention the other day when we were having a discussion about exes. she "swears" she cant stand any of mine. truthfully, i think its because she knows the intimate details of the hurt i went through with them. or the many times ive put myself through self-inflicted self-destructive hurt with one or the other. but i asked her...if she had to pick one she liked more than all the others, who would it be. and her answer surprised me. tim. tim, of all the ones, who i hurt the most after. who i broke my heart for because i knew we werent happy anymore and someone had to end it. so i asked her why. and her answer was honest. because when you were with him, before things got bad? you were happier than i had ever seen you before. hows that for honest? so of course it got me thinking. but ive been thinking far too much tonight, and even more in the past two days. so i think ill leave this at that, and curl up with my dog and a good book.