Death.
My great-grandmother passed away this morning at the age of 106. Although it fills me with sadness, to a degree, I am relieved. If she lived one day longer, she would have had to undergo one of two possible procedures, both which held the possibility of death, due to old age and a weakening heart. A hospital is a stressful and overwhelming scene. I am glad that she did not have to spend one more day confined to a bed, incapable of clearly hearing concerned voices, and forced to watch everyone watch her with faces marked by overwhelming distress and confusion. From what my mom told me, it sounds as though she died in a peaceful manner.
Still, in some ways I wish that she wasn't admitted to the hospital last Monday and instead, died silently and peacefully in her sleep in her own bed. Everyone in my family has dreaded this day for as long as I can remember, probably specifically since she made her way into the one-hundreds. And as the years added up, 103, 104, I started to worry about her death, come to terms with her mortality, and sincerely hope that if she passed away she would do so in her sleep in her bed in the most peaceful manner possible. No one deserves to suffer and all she did in the hospital was suffer. I wish her death was quicker, less painful.
So now I am inching closer and closer to deaths in my immediate family. The one thing I fear the most. I have been blessed, I have never seen someone so close to me die. Of course, there was my childhood friend, Josh, and my mom's best friend, Mary, but my interaction with them was limited. That is not to say that I did not spend a great quantity of time mourning their death and absence, because I did and still do. However, their deaths did not control the immediate framework of my family (my mother's side, for that matter). My great-grandmother's potential death always worried me specifically because I was concerned about my Great-Aunt Grace, who has taken care of my Great-Grandmother all her life, and my mother, who lost her mother (my grandmother, my great-grandmother's daughter) right before I was born. Although everyone in my family loved my great-grandmother wholeheartedly, the devotion of my Aunt Grace and own mother seemed to be the most meaningful and genuine. Both seem to be handling her death well, but I am still worried. My mom is strong and I think she knew it was time.
This marks the end of an era. The real end to my childhood, which was spent for the most part with my Great-Aunt and Great-Grandma, taking trips to the library, playing cards, making puzzles, eating delicious Italian meals, talking about the early 1900's, Sicily, family members I never met and could never remember the names of, receiving money folded up and placed in my pocket as a little secret a little gift for silly reasons, and just sitting there with my great-grandma as she expressed how happy company made her and releasing little bits of wisdom that held such weight and meaning.
The implications of her death haven't quite hit me yet, but I am certain that the world is missing someone beautiful and wise. I am grateful for the time I spent with her. I am so incredibly relieved that before I returned to school I visited her with my mom, and I am glad that I was able to visit her this past weekend to see her in the hospital. I hope that my family remains composed and doesn't fall apart entirely. For some reason I can see that happening. I hope there is a heaven or something beautiful for my great-grandmother's sake.
Still, in some ways I wish that she wasn't admitted to the hospital last Monday and instead, died silently and peacefully in her sleep in her own bed. Everyone in my family has dreaded this day for as long as I can remember, probably specifically since she made her way into the one-hundreds. And as the years added up, 103, 104, I started to worry about her death, come to terms with her mortality, and sincerely hope that if she passed away she would do so in her sleep in her bed in the most peaceful manner possible. No one deserves to suffer and all she did in the hospital was suffer. I wish her death was quicker, less painful.
So now I am inching closer and closer to deaths in my immediate family. The one thing I fear the most. I have been blessed, I have never seen someone so close to me die. Of course, there was my childhood friend, Josh, and my mom's best friend, Mary, but my interaction with them was limited. That is not to say that I did not spend a great quantity of time mourning their death and absence, because I did and still do. However, their deaths did not control the immediate framework of my family (my mother's side, for that matter). My great-grandmother's potential death always worried me specifically because I was concerned about my Great-Aunt Grace, who has taken care of my Great-Grandmother all her life, and my mother, who lost her mother (my grandmother, my great-grandmother's daughter) right before I was born. Although everyone in my family loved my great-grandmother wholeheartedly, the devotion of my Aunt Grace and own mother seemed to be the most meaningful and genuine. Both seem to be handling her death well, but I am still worried. My mom is strong and I think she knew it was time.
This marks the end of an era. The real end to my childhood, which was spent for the most part with my Great-Aunt and Great-Grandma, taking trips to the library, playing cards, making puzzles, eating delicious Italian meals, talking about the early 1900's, Sicily, family members I never met and could never remember the names of, receiving money folded up and placed in my pocket as a little secret a little gift for silly reasons, and just sitting there with my great-grandma as she expressed how happy company made her and releasing little bits of wisdom that held such weight and meaning.
The implications of her death haven't quite hit me yet, but I am certain that the world is missing someone beautiful and wise. I am grateful for the time I spent with her. I am so incredibly relieved that before I returned to school I visited her with my mom, and I am glad that I was able to visit her this past weekend to see her in the hospital. I hope that my family remains composed and doesn't fall apart entirely. For some reason I can see that happening. I hope there is a heaven or something beautiful for my great-grandmother's sake.