Chuck Norris, Baby...
Chuck Norris graduated from the University of Pennsylvania's School of Badassedness. The school was dissolved since it would be impossible to produce a greater student.
Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman by raising his right eyebrow, and he can impregnate a man by raising the left one.
Chuck Norris killed Hitler by giving his mother a roundhouse kick to the face, which killed her and her extended family.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris gave the "Peoples Elbow" to Stalin.
Just by merely looking at you the right way, Chuck Norris can make you explode, in your pants
Instead of being born normally, Chuck punched his way out of his mothers womb and grew a beard shortly after.
Chuck > Everything (including infinity and infinity squared).
Chuck Norris invented sex and then perfected it.
Chuck Norris went down to hell and punched Satan in the face and left. You can still hear Satan crying.
Chuck Norris is THE Master Chief
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris craps out gold bars.
Chuck Norris played football but he was so good they made rule #492 just for him: 'No Chuck Norris'.
The ocean is just Chuck Norris' sweat. That's how hard he works out
Chuck Norris has rattle snakes bite him just to laugh at them
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits
You know the blurry video of bigfoot? What they didn't catch was when Chuck beat the shit out of bigfoot. That is why there are no other videos of bigfoot. He now resides in Norris' home and wears a French Maid outfit.
You know when you think you're banging your wife? That is all photoshopped. Chuck is.
Chuck Norris created fire.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
It is said that Chuck will be reincarnated as a lobster, 9 trillion times its actual size
If you can see Chuck, then Chuck can see you. If you can't see Chuck, you may be seconds away from a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris can eat his own head.
Chuck Norris once ate seven porterhouse steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes of that hour banging the waitress.
Chuck Norris pisses lava. Also, his farts sound like gunshots.
Chuck Norris can piss into gail force winds without getting any on him.
If people knew the truth, Father's Day would be changed to Chuck Norris Day.
Chuck Norris turned cats and dogs against each other
If you ever see a Chuck Norris in the woods, DO NOT MOVE! It's not that he can't see you, it's that there's no point in running.
Chuck Norris can't swim, because his penis ALWAYS drags on the bottom. ...But he can breathe underwater so it doesn't matter.
Chuck Norris knows how to beat every single video game
The character Superman is loosely based on Chuck Norris. Loosely only because Superman has a weakness.
In a filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris made it to a crime scene so fast, that scientists were forced to admit the shortest distance between two points isn't always a straight line.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool he doesn't get wet... the water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris' wife burnt a thanksgiving turkey, he threw it out, went outside, swalllowed a chicken whole and in five minutes shat out a perfectly cooked roast turkey. When his wife asked him how he did it, he roundhouse kicked her to the face.
In most mainstream religions, the end of times is often seen as a final threeway showdown between Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris 2000, and Mecha-Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
A man once asked Chuck Norris whether his name is actually "Charles". Chuck didnt respond, but rather stared at him till he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying "Booya".
Chuck Norris expected the Spanish Inquisition.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.
Chuck Norris once met the Queen of England and instead of bowing, he roundhouse kicked her in the face. Then he proclaimed "She's dunstun!" and told her to go buy a Total Gym.
If Chuck Norris were in Jurrasic Park, he wouldn't get eaten.
Like God, Chuck Norris can make a hot dog so big he can't eat it. Unlike God, Chuck Norris can somehow eat it anyway.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
DNA testing has revealed that Chuck Norris is father to the entire cast of the hit TV series Lost. The island is actually in his enormous swimming pool. At the end of the series, it will be revealed that it was just Chuck f***ing with them all along.
When Chuck Norris goes to jail, he passes go and collects 200 dollars
Chuck Norris is so manly he ejaculates electric eels.
Anytime you have ever been home alone and felt like someone was there with you, it was because Chuck Norris snuck into your bathroom while you weren't looking to break-in your new Victoria Secret Catalog.
When Chuck Norris goes outside the sun must put on lotion or it will get burned.
Sharks don't live in the ocean because they breathe water. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't.
The Neverending Story ended because Chuck Norris told it to.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris once roundhoused a Zombie so hard that he come back to life just to die again
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris invented the Animality
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just stared at it and the game beat itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
December 25 is not Jesus's birthday. It's the day Chuck Norris sent him a birthday card and Jesus was too scared to correct him.
Ad Infinitum.
Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman by raising his right eyebrow, and he can impregnate a man by raising the left one.
Chuck Norris killed Hitler by giving his mother a roundhouse kick to the face, which killed her and her extended family.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris gave the "Peoples Elbow" to Stalin.
Just by merely looking at you the right way, Chuck Norris can make you explode, in your pants
Instead of being born normally, Chuck punched his way out of his mothers womb and grew a beard shortly after.
Chuck > Everything (including infinity and infinity squared).
Chuck Norris invented sex and then perfected it.
Chuck Norris went down to hell and punched Satan in the face and left. You can still hear Satan crying.
Chuck Norris is THE Master Chief
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris craps out gold bars.
Chuck Norris played football but he was so good they made rule #492 just for him: 'No Chuck Norris'.
The ocean is just Chuck Norris' sweat. That's how hard he works out
Chuck Norris has rattle snakes bite him just to laugh at them
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits
You know the blurry video of bigfoot? What they didn't catch was when Chuck beat the shit out of bigfoot. That is why there are no other videos of bigfoot. He now resides in Norris' home and wears a French Maid outfit.
You know when you think you're banging your wife? That is all photoshopped. Chuck is.
Chuck Norris created fire.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
It is said that Chuck will be reincarnated as a lobster, 9 trillion times its actual size
If you can see Chuck, then Chuck can see you. If you can't see Chuck, you may be seconds away from a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris can eat his own head.
Chuck Norris once ate seven porterhouse steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes of that hour banging the waitress.
Chuck Norris pisses lava. Also, his farts sound like gunshots.
Chuck Norris can piss into gail force winds without getting any on him.
If people knew the truth, Father's Day would be changed to Chuck Norris Day.
Chuck Norris turned cats and dogs against each other
If you ever see a Chuck Norris in the woods, DO NOT MOVE! It's not that he can't see you, it's that there's no point in running.
Chuck Norris can't swim, because his penis ALWAYS drags on the bottom. ...But he can breathe underwater so it doesn't matter.
Chuck Norris knows how to beat every single video game
The character Superman is loosely based on Chuck Norris. Loosely only because Superman has a weakness.
In a filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris made it to a crime scene so fast, that scientists were forced to admit the shortest distance between two points isn't always a straight line.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool he doesn't get wet... the water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris' wife burnt a thanksgiving turkey, he threw it out, went outside, swalllowed a chicken whole and in five minutes shat out a perfectly cooked roast turkey. When his wife asked him how he did it, he roundhouse kicked her to the face.
In most mainstream religions, the end of times is often seen as a final threeway showdown between Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris 2000, and Mecha-Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
A man once asked Chuck Norris whether his name is actually "Charles". Chuck didnt respond, but rather stared at him till he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying "Booya".
Chuck Norris expected the Spanish Inquisition.
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.
Chuck Norris once met the Queen of England and instead of bowing, he roundhouse kicked her in the face. Then he proclaimed "She's dunstun!" and told her to go buy a Total Gym.
If Chuck Norris were in Jurrasic Park, he wouldn't get eaten.
Like God, Chuck Norris can make a hot dog so big he can't eat it. Unlike God, Chuck Norris can somehow eat it anyway.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
DNA testing has revealed that Chuck Norris is father to the entire cast of the hit TV series Lost. The island is actually in his enormous swimming pool. At the end of the series, it will be revealed that it was just Chuck f***ing with them all along.
When Chuck Norris goes to jail, he passes go and collects 200 dollars
Chuck Norris is so manly he ejaculates electric eels.
Anytime you have ever been home alone and felt like someone was there with you, it was because Chuck Norris snuck into your bathroom while you weren't looking to break-in your new Victoria Secret Catalog.
When Chuck Norris goes outside the sun must put on lotion or it will get burned.
Sharks don't live in the ocean because they breathe water. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't.
The Neverending Story ended because Chuck Norris told it to.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris once roundhoused a Zombie so hard that he come back to life just to die again
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris invented the Animality
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just stared at it and the game beat itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
December 25 is not Jesus's birthday. It's the day Chuck Norris sent him a birthday card and Jesus was too scared to correct him.
Ad Infinitum.