Before The Bullfight
i dont know where to start really..i spose what tipped me off to write this is my last entry, im aware im was out of line. bit its too late to apologise now, as i know im wasting my breath and will make no difference whatsoever.
i feel so empty, and i dont think its going to go away, this ordeal with stephanie has really sapped whatever life i had in me away. i shouldnt love her,(though i do) and she shouldnt love me, the only love i see with her is as lovers and since that will never be im just beating myself up into thinking its going to work out when its not going to. i wasnt ready when it ended, im still dont think im ready to embrace it now. ive come to realise that my moods n silences were the fact that this happy go lucky smiley scott, isnt me, at all. deep down im a dark, nasty, sarcastic loner, and thats going to be the real me, Scott. Scort was the happy person. im not happy with people, i was fearful of being rejected, but now ive experienced rejection, i prefer the company of myself, ive tried to make friends, lovers and its gone totally up in my face, then i have to fuck up anything else that happens after, like i want it to happen, but then i dont.
i dont know how i feel anymore, im going to seal myself in my room, go to work and keep away from social activity.
well....after tomorrow anyway..
Seeing Fear Factory. *wiggles toes n stamples feet*
*rekindles love for TooL*
they always dry my tears..