How I feel
Dear Luc,
I can’t believe all the ways you betrayed me. I didn’t date you for a year because of the abuse in my past relationship. You convinced me that you weren’t like that. To this day I’m still in utter shock. I told you how he grabbed me by the throat and threw me on a couch, and eventually you started using it against me. Telling me it’s my fault, and that I push people to do that. No one deserves to be abused. I miss you. Actually, I don’t miss you. I miss who you used to be. I miss the first three months of our relationship, and even the times before we met. And then it all went to shit. You told me I loved you too much. How can that be a bad thing? What should I have done, just not care? You broke up with me on Christmas. You threw the clothes in the middle of the street that I bought you and ignored my phone calls all day. I stayed home crying on Christmas. I missed my fucking family dinner. I couldn’t focus on anything else. And then an even bigger downfall started happening. You would go out with your friends until 2 am, not bother to call, not come to school, nothing. Then you would dump me one week, come back a month later and think it’s okay. Oh, but that’s not the worst part. Worst part is during all of the “break ups” you would slam doors in my faces, yell at me in front of your friends, call me a whore, tell me I should die, when I called you’d scream into the phone, blast your radio, or hang up. Real mature Luc. Your nineteen years old, grow up. Then you fucking dump me and call me a few months ago whining to me cause you’re fucking arrested?! What, so you only want me in your life when I can make everything perfect?! Yeah, of course it’s that way cause you are a selfish bastard. I remember all the times I begged for you, told you I’d do anything. How fucking stupid was that. My family offered to take you to Florida over Christmas, pay for everything, even buy you fucking gifts. You repay us all by screaming at us when we were the only ones who ever cared about you. Your family never fucking cared. They treated you like shit and kicked you out all the time. I don’t buy your lies, I don’t buy any of it. You were a fucking drug attic, and I know it. I always knew it. I tried to look past that though. I really though I could get through to you and make you realize that you are so much better than all of that. I lost my fucking virginity to you. I only said I’d do it if you promised you’d always treat me right, even if you broke up with me. But no, now look what your doing. Spreading all of these lies about me. Your just made cause I wouldn’t take you back you bastard. Of course I won’t take you back, you fucking verbally abused me our whole relationship. Near the end you even threatened to hit me. At sleepovers you would tell me to shut the fuck up and that if I cried you’d kick me out - at fucking 4 in the morning. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to fucking leave. You really fucked with my head. You tried to play the victim and make it seem like I did something wrong. Then you start going to my friends parties and bashing me, well fuck you too! I know that you were holding hands with Lori the other night at the bonfire. Fuck you Luc. We always faught about her. I knew you liked her. You’re a fucking asshole. I got punched in the face from a physco bitch BECAUSE OF YOU! Because of what YOU said! You know what I’m going through in my fucking life right now yet you’d still try to destroy it. Fuck you Luc. I hope you’re fucking happy. The worst fucking part of this all is I'm still in love with you.
Dear Bryan,
We all miss you back home. It hurts like hell knowing that you’re in jail. I love you more than you know. I know we never were close, but I really did love you. And I know you love me too. It’s hard to know that your bother is alone in jail. I’m scared for you at times. Sometimes I sit in my room crying about it. Of course I would never tell mom, dad or you this. I never would dare. I knew that when you got addicted to Cocaine something would go wrong. I want you to stop so badly. But I know it’s not that easy. I’m terrified for you Bryan. You are the only family I will have left after mom and dad and I don’t want you to leave. I love you and I care for you so much. You’re my big brother, and sometimes I wish you’d start acting like it. Mom and dad have done everything they can for you. Dad even bought you a car, but you were on cocaine and crashed it. They tried to get you jobs, they bought you everything you wanted, they tried to show you they loved you. All you ever did was push us all away, we all don’t even understand. I understand that you don’t want me to see you in jail because it’s embarrassing for you. It’s been almost 5 months since I’ve seen you. You get out Christmas Eve. Please Bryan, for gods sake PLEASE stop this. Stop doing this to yourself. You have such fucking potential! Please use this to the best of your abilities. Sometimes I want to scream this in your face but I know that it won’t do any good. Ever since you and Amanda broke up things have gone out of control. Please get a hold of yourself. The cocaine is going to kill you if you don’t Bryan. The people you think are your friends are not. They only want to talk to you when you have drugs, money or alcohol. All I can hope for now is that this jail time will teach you a lesson. That you will realize how good you have it at home and that you will attempt to stop these bad habits. I know you are doing some sort of drug rehab and I truly hope it helps.