instead of making me better, you keep making me ill
Did you ever look in the mirror at yourself and not recognize the person staring back at you? That's how I feel today. Long brown hair, blue eyes... but nothing else familiar. Nobody I know. Nobody.
I don't think I slept at all last night. At 6 a.m. I called and left a message on George's machine that I wouldn't be at work, took a hot bath, and then went back to bed. When the dark started to fade into daylight outside, I was able to sleep. Restless sleep with lots of bad dreams, but it was sleep. Oblivion. I dreamed about Mom for the first time in a long time, the kind of dreams I had when she first died. She was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't hear her even though I tried and tried. It was something I really needed to know, but she was speaking a language I didn't understand. Just something else to be sad about when I woke up.
I feel like I did when I had the flu; weak and listless and headachy. The word 'heartsick' never made sense until now. Why did I do those things with him? Why did I trust him? When did I become this lonely, desperate person? I feel worthless- just like he said I was.
I don't think I slept at all last night. At 6 a.m. I called and left a message on George's machine that I wouldn't be at work, took a hot bath, and then went back to bed. When the dark started to fade into daylight outside, I was able to sleep. Restless sleep with lots of bad dreams, but it was sleep. Oblivion. I dreamed about Mom for the first time in a long time, the kind of dreams I had when she first died. She was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't hear her even though I tried and tried. It was something I really needed to know, but she was speaking a language I didn't understand. Just something else to be sad about when I woke up.
I feel like I did when I had the flu; weak and listless and headachy. The word 'heartsick' never made sense until now. Why did I do those things with him? Why did I trust him? When did I become this lonely, desperate person? I feel worthless- just like he said I was.