Alt 90's rock, sprite covered keyboard... this has all the makings.
and you learn to accept it.
seriously, sometimes i find it very hard to focus. actually all the times. and i hate so much clinical terms, abbreviations, all of the online self diagnosis junk. it doesn't make sense to me. normal, the definition of... is fake, and we've been made to accept a whole lot that we shouldn't.
and oh do i struggle with that so much, more than i will ever let known. what is baseline? and where do my levels sit?
i'd very much like to opportunity to one day get into that, and it's selfish, because it isn't to help anyone but myself.., and this is so much less a post of mine, i need to close my eyes (again, like last time), and let go. how come that is so hard for me to do? i'm alone in my basement, i feel safe, i have music drowning out outside noise, i'm in my element, and i just can not come to terms with the backspace button as i try and make everything sound okay.
so here we go.
darkest days, is a freaky album by the way.
still i see sometimes, images that remind me so much of what i fight with. i don't understand why still, i can't go one day without thinking about it, without considering that it might calm me down... take the edge off, help me sleep. fucking addictions, and the ones that nobody knows about... cryptics, because guess what, when the secret went out, and when my life changed, so did it... so why the hell is it haunting me, why did i come so close again? i'm strong enough, i know this... but i can't risk it... i need drastic measures to prevent any of it from happening again...
but not so much drastic measures.
i need out of this house. out of this element that ever so briefly reminds me of all the things i can not tolerate. rudeness, guilt, and all of the "bi-polar" up and downs that drive me up the fucking wall. people need to get a grip. if i can, you can too, and don't turn anything around on me in this house, because i stay out of everyone's way.
and oh trust me, i will be out of your way very soon, and so very much, i loved the fact that i just went 11 days without any contact with any of you. it was peaceful, nice, and i finally stopped worrying about crap that is out of my control here. i hated being up there, because that carried lameness in itself, but wow. so nice.
you know what else is nice, and i can open my eyes for this one.
being up a crapload of money in poker. and being able to go downtown on a monday night, and doing well enough to pay your bills for the month. that's just so much more in savings. i still don't consider myself a good poker player, but i'll tell you what, last night was not luck. copycat the movie, but i grinded that out until i was on top, and i was the bully, and i just reached into peoples pockets and took their money (oh so literally, don't jump all over that). it's good, the power. the one place where i can let it get to my head, as long as i don't lose my grip on reality, be civil... because it is not war... i'm just finding another method of income, and if there is a sucker at every table, i sure as hell know it's not me.
and now, i think i feel good.
i can see a whole lot coming together very quick for myself. for us.
for us being the most important, because that is the key to rebuilding. to restarting.
something i've been fighting to do for 3 years now.
every since i left the first time, and the gravity of this place slammed me backdown.
but this time, we're so much better than escape velocity. and we'll be floating in our own so soon.
and this place, and it's gravity, will never ever touch me again. nor will anything that comes with it.
seriously, sometimes i find it very hard to focus. actually all the times. and i hate so much clinical terms, abbreviations, all of the online self diagnosis junk. it doesn't make sense to me. normal, the definition of... is fake, and we've been made to accept a whole lot that we shouldn't.
and oh do i struggle with that so much, more than i will ever let known. what is baseline? and where do my levels sit?
i'd very much like to opportunity to one day get into that, and it's selfish, because it isn't to help anyone but myself.., and this is so much less a post of mine, i need to close my eyes (again, like last time), and let go. how come that is so hard for me to do? i'm alone in my basement, i feel safe, i have music drowning out outside noise, i'm in my element, and i just can not come to terms with the backspace button as i try and make everything sound okay.
so here we go.
darkest days, is a freaky album by the way.
still i see sometimes, images that remind me so much of what i fight with. i don't understand why still, i can't go one day without thinking about it, without considering that it might calm me down... take the edge off, help me sleep. fucking addictions, and the ones that nobody knows about... cryptics, because guess what, when the secret went out, and when my life changed, so did it... so why the hell is it haunting me, why did i come so close again? i'm strong enough, i know this... but i can't risk it... i need drastic measures to prevent any of it from happening again...
but not so much drastic measures.
i need out of this house. out of this element that ever so briefly reminds me of all the things i can not tolerate. rudeness, guilt, and all of the "bi-polar" up and downs that drive me up the fucking wall. people need to get a grip. if i can, you can too, and don't turn anything around on me in this house, because i stay out of everyone's way.
and oh trust me, i will be out of your way very soon, and so very much, i loved the fact that i just went 11 days without any contact with any of you. it was peaceful, nice, and i finally stopped worrying about crap that is out of my control here. i hated being up there, because that carried lameness in itself, but wow. so nice.
you know what else is nice, and i can open my eyes for this one.
being up a crapload of money in poker. and being able to go downtown on a monday night, and doing well enough to pay your bills for the month. that's just so much more in savings. i still don't consider myself a good poker player, but i'll tell you what, last night was not luck. copycat the movie, but i grinded that out until i was on top, and i was the bully, and i just reached into peoples pockets and took their money (oh so literally, don't jump all over that). it's good, the power. the one place where i can let it get to my head, as long as i don't lose my grip on reality, be civil... because it is not war... i'm just finding another method of income, and if there is a sucker at every table, i sure as hell know it's not me.
and now, i think i feel good.
i can see a whole lot coming together very quick for myself. for us.
for us being the most important, because that is the key to rebuilding. to restarting.
something i've been fighting to do for 3 years now.
every since i left the first time, and the gravity of this place slammed me backdown.
but this time, we're so much better than escape velocity. and we'll be floating in our own so soon.
and this place, and it's gravity, will never ever touch me again. nor will anything that comes with it.