(no subject)
Nights have often turned into this stark background: 4 AM, nearing 5, no sleep, sorrow on the mind and the soul. I have seriously been contemplating thoughts of suicide as of late, and I honestly have no idea what will become of these feelings. I feel as if my soul has been torn apart inside of me as I lie awake in my bed, weeping to the sounds of my stepfather fixing the kitchen sink, or failing to do so as he cannot read the manual (no spanish translation, heh). I sit and listen to what I can to entertain myself. I know that I will never have the hunger for life that I once did have, but I still wish to have at least one beloved spawn, perhaps a maiden as well. I say to myself "George, you are a genius, brilliant infact, talented, athletic, an amazing black metal vocalist, quite the looker, and when need be, comical, so why are you single"? Maybe it is because I appear to be quite a "creep" to the "normal" people I meet in everyday "life". Maybe it is because I appear quite different on the internet then in person, but don't we all? Perhaps even it is because I send pictures of my penis to underage girls on the internet, but don't we all experiment with crude pleasures sometimes? I imagine so, so it boggles my mind. I remember back to the days of Alyssia, and it reminds me of my descent into hell. My story, if you will.
I:My rise to the angels
Online I meet a maiden by the name of Alyssia. From my New York location I speak to her throughout the days of my stay away from "home" and become quite attached. My best friend is enamoured with her and the last thing I want to do is be disloyal, but I cannot help it that she has obviously fallen deeply in love with me. I return home and quickly visit her that very day. We hold hands, kiss, walk through fields of sorrow that suddenly come to life with the brightness of a new day, and euphoria is reached. My only regret is that I cannot spend more time with her as the night ends and a new day begins. But I have hope for the future, hope, finally, after all my years and a trial of absolute, fucking torture of the most degrading kind.
II:The rapid descent from the heavens
The next day I message her, and she does not respond. I immediately begin to worry so I call her, and no answer. I feel sweat on my brow and immediately begin to assume the worst:that she has died out of grief for me, thinking that we could never be together. However, I find out that in reality, she is with my friend, who I mentioned before, and is going to be attending his show later that night. My other friend enjoys music of this calibur, and as much as I see it as uneducated and not metal in the least, I took him in hope of seeing the lovely maiden. When I get there, I see that she is ravishing as usual, but she seems to avoid me at all cost. I wonder what has happened, and as this is confirmed (she walked out of the concert hall just so she could avoid talking to me), I fall into a puddle of my own sorrow and grief. I sit on the bench while my friend's band plays and I cry, their noise the soundtrack to my crisis ridden hell of a mind. I wonder if someone has poisoned my name, and why? Why would somebody do this to me? I thought to myself "I wonder who I have killed in the past life to deserve this". God only fucking knows.
III:Decaying in the sweet lair of hell
As I arrive home I immediately take to the bed and become devoid of all emotion. I use the last bit of strength to tell my friend the story but he brushes it off and my last hope being diminished, I quickly return to bed and lay there for several days. As I sit there, unable to even cry in my catatonic state, I realize that love, life, living, it is all just a ruse of gigantic proportions. I begin to return back to the days that were worst for me:I harken back to my insanity. I begin to see that nobody could ever take the place of myself, for I am all that matters in this world where you are indeed your own god. But was I right? The queston remained. I wondered if I could ever crawl out of this hell and become "normal" again. I wondered if I would ever be able to mainstain a stable mind. I decided that in order to survive, I must cut off all of my ties, so I begun.
This is where my story lies now. For months now I have severed my ties, regained my important alliances and become the emotional prodigy I am today. I hope to keep going in this future direction, but I now see my path weening towards the dark side again. I feel as if depression could stirke me at any minute and from the indication of these early entries, perhaps even shizophrenia. Needless to say, I will continue to document my life, my heaven, and my hell.
I:My rise to the angels
Online I meet a maiden by the name of Alyssia. From my New York location I speak to her throughout the days of my stay away from "home" and become quite attached. My best friend is enamoured with her and the last thing I want to do is be disloyal, but I cannot help it that she has obviously fallen deeply in love with me. I return home and quickly visit her that very day. We hold hands, kiss, walk through fields of sorrow that suddenly come to life with the brightness of a new day, and euphoria is reached. My only regret is that I cannot spend more time with her as the night ends and a new day begins. But I have hope for the future, hope, finally, after all my years and a trial of absolute, fucking torture of the most degrading kind.
II:The rapid descent from the heavens
The next day I message her, and she does not respond. I immediately begin to worry so I call her, and no answer. I feel sweat on my brow and immediately begin to assume the worst:that she has died out of grief for me, thinking that we could never be together. However, I find out that in reality, she is with my friend, who I mentioned before, and is going to be attending his show later that night. My other friend enjoys music of this calibur, and as much as I see it as uneducated and not metal in the least, I took him in hope of seeing the lovely maiden. When I get there, I see that she is ravishing as usual, but she seems to avoid me at all cost. I wonder what has happened, and as this is confirmed (she walked out of the concert hall just so she could avoid talking to me), I fall into a puddle of my own sorrow and grief. I sit on the bench while my friend's band plays and I cry, their noise the soundtrack to my crisis ridden hell of a mind. I wonder if someone has poisoned my name, and why? Why would somebody do this to me? I thought to myself "I wonder who I have killed in the past life to deserve this". God only fucking knows.
III:Decaying in the sweet lair of hell
As I arrive home I immediately take to the bed and become devoid of all emotion. I use the last bit of strength to tell my friend the story but he brushes it off and my last hope being diminished, I quickly return to bed and lay there for several days. As I sit there, unable to even cry in my catatonic state, I realize that love, life, living, it is all just a ruse of gigantic proportions. I begin to return back to the days that were worst for me:I harken back to my insanity. I begin to see that nobody could ever take the place of myself, for I am all that matters in this world where you are indeed your own god. But was I right? The queston remained. I wondered if I could ever crawl out of this hell and become "normal" again. I wondered if I would ever be able to mainstain a stable mind. I decided that in order to survive, I must cut off all of my ties, so I begun.
This is where my story lies now. For months now I have severed my ties, regained my important alliances and become the emotional prodigy I am today. I hope to keep going in this future direction, but I now see my path weening towards the dark side again. I feel as if depression could stirke me at any minute and from the indication of these early entries, perhaps even shizophrenia. Needless to say, I will continue to document my life, my heaven, and my hell.