Free Bird - A Short Story
"If I stay here with you girl, things just wouldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change."
- Free Bird, Lynard Skynard
Honey, I've watched you now for days, the tears stopping only at moments when you need them to. Had I known how much you cared, perhaps this would never had happened in the first place. I admit, I was wrong about everything. Wrong about you. Seeing you the other day was an awakening for me. An awakening obviously too late, but an awakening nonetheless. It was the first time I really ever saw you cry. The first time I really ever payed attention.
It's amazing that tragedy can often be the only time most of us really think clearly and see what is really going on. It's amazing that all of those people, my sisters, my brothers, my friends, none of them could shed a tear except you. Imagine that. Only you were brave enough to cry. Or maybe only you cared enough to cry. Either way, it was the first time I ever realized how much I took you for granted.
After everything happened you spoke to me for a day or two, then stopped. I guess that's understandable, given everything I did. Still, it's hard being here just watching you try to go about your daily routine as if I don't exist. I guess in many ways, though, I really never existed for you. I wasn't there for you when your parents died. I wasn't there for you during your miscarriage. Oh, I had my excuses. Traveling for work. Important clients. Things that couldn't be rescheduled. Truth is, those excuses were just that. Excuses. I excused myself from your life. Yet, you cried when everyone else couldn't or refused to.
And now, you're receding deeper into yourself. I wish I could do something now. I could have before, but I missed the chance. All I can do is watch as you go deeper and deeper. Withdrawing until the unimaginable happens. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from making those mistakes. The mistakes which cost us our relationship. I wish I would have been there for you when you needed me.
Now that you need me more than ever, I can't even lift a finger to help you. Nothing I could say or do will change the path you've begun to travel. Every night I fear for your life as you take that steak knife to your arm. You don't cut deeply, just enough to cover up the pain you feel inside. Your arms are beginning to look mangled as if by some wild animal. I am helpless but to watch.
Once, last night, it became too much for me. I tried to stop you. Tried to pull that knife from your hand and throw it out the window. I couldn't get to you in time. The deed was done. The wound was there. The blood flowed. I screamed but you just couldn't hear me. I was lucky that Jacob was still there and that he was just walking through the door to find you as you were. I yelled to him to call 911 and he did after taking one look at you.
He never looked at me, nor did the EMTs and paramedics who arrived about fifteen minutes later. I went with you to the hospital when they stitched you up. I went with you to the room they placed you in. It is a nice room, Honey. You can't hurt yourself here. I am sorry for all of this. I am sorry for what I put you through. Hopefully, memories of me will fade and you will get better. I'm sorry I could never be there for you. My time here is over, and I'm afraid I must depart. Where? I'm not sure, but I know I'm not coming back. Maybe my final absence will be what you need to get better. Heaven knows, my staying around has only made you worse.
Goodbye my sweet love. Know that I will never forget that you cared, and I'm sorry I had to leave you twice to really understand how much.
Copyright © 2006 Michael P. Cammarota
Cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change."
- Free Bird, Lynard Skynard
Honey, I've watched you now for days, the tears stopping only at moments when you need them to. Had I known how much you cared, perhaps this would never had happened in the first place. I admit, I was wrong about everything. Wrong about you. Seeing you the other day was an awakening for me. An awakening obviously too late, but an awakening nonetheless. It was the first time I really ever saw you cry. The first time I really ever payed attention.
It's amazing that tragedy can often be the only time most of us really think clearly and see what is really going on. It's amazing that all of those people, my sisters, my brothers, my friends, none of them could shed a tear except you. Imagine that. Only you were brave enough to cry. Or maybe only you cared enough to cry. Either way, it was the first time I ever realized how much I took you for granted.
After everything happened you spoke to me for a day or two, then stopped. I guess that's understandable, given everything I did. Still, it's hard being here just watching you try to go about your daily routine as if I don't exist. I guess in many ways, though, I really never existed for you. I wasn't there for you when your parents died. I wasn't there for you during your miscarriage. Oh, I had my excuses. Traveling for work. Important clients. Things that couldn't be rescheduled. Truth is, those excuses were just that. Excuses. I excused myself from your life. Yet, you cried when everyone else couldn't or refused to.
And now, you're receding deeper into yourself. I wish I could do something now. I could have before, but I missed the chance. All I can do is watch as you go deeper and deeper. Withdrawing until the unimaginable happens. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from making those mistakes. The mistakes which cost us our relationship. I wish I would have been there for you when you needed me.
Now that you need me more than ever, I can't even lift a finger to help you. Nothing I could say or do will change the path you've begun to travel. Every night I fear for your life as you take that steak knife to your arm. You don't cut deeply, just enough to cover up the pain you feel inside. Your arms are beginning to look mangled as if by some wild animal. I am helpless but to watch.
Once, last night, it became too much for me. I tried to stop you. Tried to pull that knife from your hand and throw it out the window. I couldn't get to you in time. The deed was done. The wound was there. The blood flowed. I screamed but you just couldn't hear me. I was lucky that Jacob was still there and that he was just walking through the door to find you as you were. I yelled to him to call 911 and he did after taking one look at you.
He never looked at me, nor did the EMTs and paramedics who arrived about fifteen minutes later. I went with you to the hospital when they stitched you up. I went with you to the room they placed you in. It is a nice room, Honey. You can't hurt yourself here. I am sorry for all of this. I am sorry for what I put you through. Hopefully, memories of me will fade and you will get better. I'm sorry I could never be there for you. My time here is over, and I'm afraid I must depart. Where? I'm not sure, but I know I'm not coming back. Maybe my final absence will be what you need to get better. Heaven knows, my staying around has only made you worse.
Goodbye my sweet love. Know that I will never forget that you cared, and I'm sorry I had to leave you twice to really understand how much.
Copyright © 2006 Michael P. Cammarota