This was so funny I almost pissed myself...oh yeah this is rated OoTA ;-)
CHILI COOK-OFFS
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how this works. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up the entire parking lot at the Astrodome! You will want to read this behind closed doors, because you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey: "Recently, I was selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original third judge got sick at the last moment. I happened to be standing at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Below are the scorecards from the event:
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CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Too heavy on the tomatoes. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Great tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is in this stuff? It could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. Texans are crazy.
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CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork, slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! What I am supposed to taste besides pain? I had to wave off two people wanting to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the ashen look on my face.
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CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I snorted Drano. Everyone knows the drill by now. I need more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded my back; my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from the beer.
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CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili, almost no spice; disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not a real chili.
FRANK: Something scraped across my tongue; unable to identify it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with beer refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
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CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Very meaty chili! Cayenne peppers add considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Beefy! Could use more tomato. Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead. My eyes no longer focus. I farted; four people behind me passed out. The contestant was offended when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by directly pouring beer on it from a pitcher. I think I'm burning my lips off. It really annoys me that the other judges told me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
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CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Nice balance of spice andpeppers.
JUDGE TWO: Best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted. I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She must be pretty kinky! Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my anus with a snow cone!
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CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Mediocre chili. Too much reliance on peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho-Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. For the record, I am worried about Judge Three. He seems to be in distress. He is cussing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost vision in one eye. The world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid out of the side of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit that matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. Nice-blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, yet spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is nicely balanced. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see most of it was wasted when Judge Three passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. Wonder how he'd have reacted to REALLY hot chili...
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how this works. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up the entire parking lot at the Astrodome! You will want to read this behind closed doors, because you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey: "Recently, I was selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original third judge got sick at the last moment. I happened to be standing at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Below are the scorecards from the event:
____________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Too heavy on the tomatoes. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Great tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is in this stuff? It could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. Texans are crazy.
____________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork, slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! What I am supposed to taste besides pain? I had to wave off two people wanting to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the ashen look on my face.
____________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I snorted Drano. Everyone knows the drill by now. I need more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded my back; my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from the beer.
____________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili, almost no spice; disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not a real chili.
FRANK: Something scraped across my tongue; unable to identify it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with beer refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
____________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Very meaty chili! Cayenne peppers add considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Beefy! Could use more tomato. Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead. My eyes no longer focus. I farted; four people behind me passed out. The contestant was offended when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by directly pouring beer on it from a pitcher. I think I'm burning my lips off. It really annoys me that the other judges told me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
____________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Nice balance of spice andpeppers.
JUDGE TWO: Best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted. I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She must be pretty kinky! Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my anus with a snow cone!
____________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Mediocre chili. Too much reliance on peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho-Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. For the record, I am worried about Judge Three. He seems to be in distress. He is cussing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost vision in one eye. The world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid out of the side of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit that matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. Nice-blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, yet spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is nicely balanced. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see most of it was wasted when Judge Three passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. Wonder how he'd have reacted to REALLY hot chili...