Misery Business, Demi Lovato/Lea Michele, NC-17
Title: Misery Business
Fandom: RPFS
Pairings: Demi Lovato/Lea Michele, side Dianna Agron/Selena Gomez
Rating: NC-17,
Summary: Misery loves company.
"Pour me another," Demi says, voice low and gritty, before throwing back the last shot in front of her, wincing as the alcohol burns a path down her chest.
"I don't think that's a good idea," the bartender says as he stops wiping down the surface of the bar and looks up at her, eyes full of concern.
"Don't think, then," she replies gruffly. "I gave you more than enough money not to."
When she arrived over an hour ago, she had offered him two-hundred and fifty dollars to turn a blind eye to her age and to keep the drinks coming until she told him to stop. He hesitated at first, not wanting to get caught serving a minor. But she wouldn't take no for an answer, and it was only after Demi offered to double the amount did he finally agree.
The bartender sighs, shaking his head sadly as he grabs a bottle from under the bar and pours her another shot. "Anything else?"
"That'll be all," she says dismissively through hooded eyes as she reaches out, pulling the shot glass towards her. As an afterthought to ensure no misunderstanding, she adds. "For now."
She turns around on the barstool before he has a chance to respond or give her any more looks of pity and sadness. Her attention returns to a table nestled in the corner against the wall, the same one she's been focused on for the better part of an hour. Though the combination of dark lighting and the amount of alcohol coursing through her veins makes it difficult for her to see, she's able to tell that the once occupied table has been abandoned.
Stumbling to her feet, Demi furiously scans the crowd as a wave of panic seeps through her. She had only looked away for a couple minutes. Only a couple. Frustration takes over as all of the unfamiliar faces in the crowd begin to blur into one large abstract portrait, causing her head to throb. When she's almost ready to give in and go home, she finds them on the dance floor off to the left side. With a sigh of relief, she settles back on the barstool and watches.
It's not the first time Demi's done this, or even the second. By now, she's lost count of the number of times she has shown up where she knew they would be. She never approaches them, never says anything, only watches. The location changes - sometimes it's a restaurant, other times an event - but the reason for being there is always the same.
A ritual of self-punishment.
One she's become consumed by since they - Selena and Dianna - made their relationship public almost six months ago. Most people would avoid places where they know their ex-girlfriend and said ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend will be. Not her, though. She actively seeks them out. Seeing Selena with Dianna serves as a reminder of what she lost and what she could have had.
Sometimes Demi wants to hate Dianna. Like when she sees pictures of the two in magazines - which is frequent since they're Hollywood's newest 'it' couple - holding hands and posing together on the red carpet or out in public. Or when she hears Selena gush about Dianna in interviews, how utterly in love she sounds. Even more so, when she hears Dianna talking about how lovely Selena is and how lucky she is to be with someone as wonderful as her.
But hating Dianna, she knows, would be pointless. Because no matter how many little excuses she comes up with for why she should hate the blonde, it doesn't change the fact that she herself is the reason things ended with Selena, not Dianna. And for that, she can only hate herself.
The DJ puts on a slow song and Demi watches as Dianna pulls Selena in closer. Selena's arms drape around Dianna's shoulders as the blonde's hands slip around Selena's slim waist, fingers splaying across the small of her back. She swallows thickly, trying to suppress the emotion building within her as she downs the shot she had almost forgotten.
Watching the two dance so intimately reminds her of the many times she and Selena had gone dancing. They would dance until a slow song came on and then she would lead a reluctant Selena back to their seats. Selena would stare longingly at couples gliding across the floor, and Demi would do her best to ignore the disappointment in Selena's eyes when the offer for a dance never came.
Demi sighs softly as she moves her arms back to prop her elbows against the bar. If only she had been as fearless - she bitterly associates the word with Taylor, as it was the country singer's connection to Cory that had been the catalyst for Selena and Dianna's introduction - when it came to Selena as she had always been with her career, things might be different. She could be the one with Selena in her arms instead of Dianna.
"It fuckin' kills seein' them together, doesn't it?"
Demi jumps slightly from the sudden voice so close by. She looks up and finds Lea Michele, drink in hand, sliding down onto the barstool beside her.
"Excuse me?"
"Di an' your Disney darling," Lea tilts her glass in the girls' direction.
"I don't know what you're talking about," As the words fall from her lips, she feels nothing but disgust. After all she's lost, she still can't admit out loud the truth about her relationship with Selena.
Lea snorts. "Of course not."
She doesn't respond to Lea's sarcastic remark, hoping her silence will make the other girl leave her to her misery. There's shuffling beside her and when she chances a look out of the corner of her eyes, she expects to see Lea moving away. Instead, she finds Lea slumping further on the barstool, nursing her drink, eyes fixated on the dance floor.
Pushing Lea's presence from her mind, she shifts her focus back to the dance floor. When the slow song ends and a faster-paced song comes on in it's place, the couple ease their way through the crowd, returning to their table. They slide into the booth, sitting side by side, their hands on top of the table, clasped and fingers laced.
Demi doesn't know what Dianna is saying, but her heart drops as Selena throws her head back, laughing. If she closes her eyes, she can summon the many memories she has of nights spent filled with Selena's laughter and can almost hear the warm sound tickling and teasing at her ears. She never thought she'd miss being the reason Selena laughs.
"Today would have been our anniversary."
Demi's brows furrow, eyes flickering over to Lea at the sound of her voice. She had forgotten about the other girl. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Dianna an' I," Lea's head rolls to the side until her eyes meet Demi's. "Today woulda been our anniversary."
Demi's eyes widen and her mouth falls open slightly.
"What?" Lea scoffs before taking a swig from her drink. "You thought you were the only one drowning in misery tonight?"
Now that she thinks about it, it doesn't seem all that surprising that Lea and Dianna had been together. She's seen pictures of the Glee co-stars together and she's pretty sure there are marked similarities between those pictures and the ones of herself and Selena when they were 'just friends'.
"W-What-" Demi hiccups, then takes a deep breath. "What happened?"
"I fucked up. Fucked up big time. That's why she's over there with her an' not here with me," The faintest hint of an accent is present in Lea's voice as she turns up her glass, downing the rest of her drink and wincing slightly from it's burn. "What happened with you an' the wizard girl?" Lea holds up her hand. "An' don't try denying it this time, you suck at lying."
Demi frowns at the girl's blunt words. She lifts her head, looking away from Lea, her eyes traveling back to the table in the corner. Selena has her head resting against Dianna's shoulder as pale fingers thread through dark tresses. She sighs, closing her eyes, wishing she could feel those silky locks once more.
"I got scared," she begins, slowly opening her eyes as she turns to Lea. "I kept thinking about how people would react if they found out about us, and I-I...I just panicked," She drops her gaze to her lap where trembling hands fidget. "I pushed her away and didn't look back until it was too late."
It's the first time she's said out loud the reason behind the fall of their relationship and subsequently, their friendship. Even her closest friends, the ones who actually knew about her and Selena, had no idea what happened. The revelation, however, doesn't ease the heavy burden on her heart. If anything, acknowledging out loud that her cowardice and nothing else is what ended things with Selena makes her feel unbearably worse.
"Ending your relationship over fear makes you less of an asshole than me," Demi's eyebrows quirk, wondering if this is Lea's attempt at offering words of comfort. "I chose my career over her," Lea admits, darkly, her expression hard and jaws clenching. "Told her my career was more important than a romance that most likely wouldn't last."
Demi sees the anger and self-loathing burning in Lea's eyes and knows if she had a mirror she'd see the same reflecting in her own eyes.
"The look on her face when I told her that, when I-" Lea sniffs. "When I broke her heart, I can't forget it. I see it in my head over an' over again, every fucking day."
And Demi knows what that's like, because even though it's been almost a year and a half since she put an end to their relationship, she still wakes up in the middle of the night from dreams (or nightmares, she should say) of Selena's tear-stained cheeks and pleading voice.
"You want to hear something funny? Or sad? Depending on how you look at it," Lea chuckles dryly, and Demi tilts her head, waiting. "I can't even really hate them for being with each other, cause fuck, if they don't look sweet together."
Part of her, this miniscule part of her buried deep inside that can look at Selena and Dianna objectively without jealousy flaring up, agrees with Lea. And it's kind of (really) depressing to her, to acknowledge that Selena looks sweet with someone else other than her.
"Disgustingly sweet," she finally says without a hint of malice.
"Which just makes knowing what we gave up suck even more," Lea's lips purse into a thin line as she roughly runs her fingers through her hair. "I wish I could go back, do it all over again. Wouldn't care if I lost my career, long as I still had her."
"Yeah, same."
Lea falls silent, which is fine with Demi because she doesn't really feel like talking anymore - not that she had really felt like talking to begin with. But she supposes it's nice, in a twisted sort of way, to know that someone else is as miserable as she is.
After a few minutes have passed she decides it's been too long since her last drink. She flags down the bartender and orders two more shots. Ignoring his obvious displeasure, she downs the first shot and closes her eyes as the comforting warmth of the alcohol spreads through her body.
"Fuck," She hears Lea hiss as she's turning back around on the stool.
"What is it?" she asks.
Lea gives no indication she's heard the question, only stares ahead, brows knitting heavily under her bangs. Demi's eyes follow along Lea's line of vision. She swallows hard and a sharp pain shoots through her chest at what she sees.
Dianna is cupping Selena's jaw with her hand, thumb stroking at the younger girl's cheek as their lips move together in a languid kiss. Leaning back against the booth, Selena's hand snakes up and behind Dianna's neck, pulling the blonde closer, deepening the kiss.
Demi feels her heart breaking all over again.
"I can't....I can't watch them anymore," Lea's voice trembles and breaks as she darts up from the stool. She looks down at Demi, eyes hollow and hard, with her hand extended. "Let's go."
"What?" Demi lifts her gaze, meeting Lea's, confused.
"Let's go," Lea repeats, and Demi doesn't miss the hint of pleading desperation in the otherwise cold words.
Her gaze drifts past Lea to the girls in the corner, pressed together and kissing like nothing else in the world exists. Exhaling shakily, Demi turns up her last shot and downs it quickly before slipping her hand into Lea's.
Lea pulls her to her feet, dragging her away from the bar and through the crowd with ease. She leads them past the line of women standing along the wall outside of the restroom, ignoring the protesting words and insults being yelled at them. A couple of girls stand at the sinks, talking, and Lea fixes them with a pointed glare.
"Out," The word comes out low and quiet like a growl and the girls mutter something to one another before slipping around them and out the door.
Demi stands awkwardly just inside the doorway as Lea drops her hand and moves along the row of stalls, glancing quickly under each. Satisfied, Lea walks back to the front of the restroom and kicks away the small wooden wedge propping the door open. The door slams shut and the click of the lock sliding into place rings out like a gunshot echoing through the air.
There's a moment where she thinks nothing is going to happen, that Lea has dragged her into this restroom, like her friends have in the past, because everything has just become too much to handle. But then Lea looks at her with an expression she can't read, and before she knows it, Lea has her hand pressed against her stomach, pushing until her back collides with the wall.
Lea's hand stays on her stomach, holding her still, while her free hand shoots up, gripping the back of Demi's neck and pulls her down into a bruising kiss. It's rough and it's urgent and unyielding, nothing gentle or tender about it and it makes Demi's heart ache even more for Selena and sweet kisses that tasted like heaven.
As Demi drags her nails down Lea's back, she tries to ignore the burn of betrayal she feels biting at her skin for touching someone else who isn't Selena. Her hand settles low on Lea's back, pulling her in closer as their tongues wage war in a ruthless battle for dominance. In the end, it's Lea who comes out as the victor as she digs her nails into the back of Demi's neck, eliciting a quiet groan of submission from the younger girl.
Demi pulls back from the kiss, the back of her head connecting with the wall with a dull thud when the hand on her stomach moves to grip her hip, pulling her in and holding her steady, as Lea's hips rolls up to meet hers.
Lea's mouth finds that spot on her neck and Demi braces herself because it never fails to make her weak in the knees. Lea licks and bites and sucks at the spot just below her ear, but doesn't soothe angry marks with soft kisses. It's this subtle difference that makes Demi realize it's not the spot itself, but rather the person who used to lavish it with attention that left her feeling breathless. And while Lea's lips and tongue and teeth make her feel good, it pales in comparison to the way Selena could make her feel.
"Fuck!" Demi hisses when Lea situates her thigh between her legs and moves her hand from her neck to her shoulder, pulling her down forcefully.
Lea nips sharply at her pulse point as her fingers curl around the curve of Demi's hips, guiding the younger girl forward and then back over her thigh.
Demi's eyes snap shut and she draws her bottom lip between her teeth at the sensation. Her hands move to Lea's shoulders, and she has half a mind to push her away, to stop her from going any further, but she doesn't. Because though this may not be exactly what she wants or how she wants it, it's what she needs and she knows by the look in Lea's eyes, peering up at her through her bangs, that she needs this too.
When Lea moves her thigh from between her legs and slides her hand down to unbutton her jeans, Demi cringes only slightly. Her cheeks, however, burn with shame as Lea tugs her jeans down over her hips and heated flesh, covered by only the thin, almost sheer fabric of her panties, is exposed to the cool air of the restroom.
Lea's fingers ghost a trail over damp material and Demi gasps, her hips raising slightly into the touch. As Lea cups her through her panties, the heel of her palm pressing firmly into her, Demi has to bite her tongue to keep from moaning. And guilt cuts through her like a knife because she shouldn't be doing this with Lea, with someone she doesn't know, her body shouldn't be responding to someone else's touch the way it is.
Then, in one fluid motion, Lea jerks her panties down.
She's never felt more humiliated than she does now, standing in a public restroom with her jeans and panties pulled down around her knees, as Lea nudges her feet apart, further exposing her. But she doesn't push Lea away because it's just another act of self-punishment, one she's using the older girl to fulfill. And maybe Lea knows that, maybe it's why she's doing this.
But Demi realizes, as Lea slips three fingers inside of her without warning or hesitation, causing her to cry out from the sudden invasion and the slight pain of being stretched, that maybe Lea's just using her to fight her own demons.
And she's okay with that.
Demi's grip on Lea's shoulder tightens, nails digging into the nape of her neck, as Lea's fingers push deeper and deeper with every thrust. Strangled moans reach her ears and Demi's not sure if they're coming from herself or Lea - not that she cares, not that it matters. Beads of sweat form on her forehead, the air in the bathroom once cool is stifling now, as her hips try in vain to match the pace of Lea's fingers.
She knows, with the amount of alcohol she's had, that if she tried hard enough she could pretend she's pressed against the wall of her dressing room, like she has been many times before, after another sold-out concert, and not the wall of a club's dingy restroom. That the hair, so dark and unruly, tickling at her collarbone smells of peaches and the lightest hint of vanilla instead of cigarette smoke and booze.
But no amount of alcohol or imagination, she realizes as tears well in her eyes, is going to help her pretend that the fingers thrusting relentlessly inside of her belong to Selena.
Even when Selena was at her most uninhibited, when her touch was unabashed and frenzied, there was always a tenderness brimming just beneath the surface. Whether it was in the way Selena looked at her, eyes bright and shining with love, or the I love you's she murmured into her skin as she pushed her over the edge, Demi always knew - always felt - how much she was loved.
But love is the last thing she feels right now, because in this moment love doesn't exist.
Demi's head falls back against the wall and she clutches the back of Lea's tank-top as Lea's fingers twist and curl. Her knees start to buckle when Lea brushes her thumb over her clit. But a thigh between her legs and a hand gripping her hip keeps her from pooling on the floor in a boneless heap.
Her breath comes in harsh, ragged pants as Lea moves her thumb in tight circles around her clit while using the added pressure of her thigh to push her fingers in deeper. She'll be sore tomorrow, but with hope, the pain she feels between her legs will dull the pain she feels in her heart.
Low, guttural moans emit from the back of her throat as Lea's thumb presses firmly again her clit and her fingers curl inside, providing the final push needed to send her tumbling over the edge, Selena's face painting the back of her eyelids.
While her body shudders with pleasure, her heart, already bruised and broken, finally and completely shatters.
Her breathing slowly returns to normal and she struggles to keep the tears at bay as Lea gently withdraws her fingers. Neither of them says a word - the only sounds in the room are those that filter through the vents in the ceiling and the narrow slit under the door and the soft puffs of air Demi releases as she exhales.
A wave of nausea hits her as she realizes she's still exposed.
She moves her hands down from Lea's shoulders to cover herself, but stops when Lea rests her head against her collarbone. She tenses slightly when Lea's knuckles brush over her thighs, thinking the other girl wants her to reciprocate. But her fears are abated as Lea sighs into her skin and pulls up her panties, then her jeans, carefully buttoning and zipping them.
Lea lingers for a moment with her hands on Demi's hips. Then, without so much as a glance up at Demi, Lea moves to the door, unlocks it, and doesn't say a word as she walks out of the bathroom.
Alone, Demi collapses to the floor as tears cascade down her cheeks. Left to deal with her heart ache, her pain, the consequences of her actions that lead her to this moment, she openly sobs as she draws her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them.
Fandom: RPFS
Pairings: Demi Lovato/Lea Michele, side Dianna Agron/Selena Gomez
Rating: NC-17,
Summary: Misery loves company.
"Pour me another," Demi says, voice low and gritty, before throwing back the last shot in front of her, wincing as the alcohol burns a path down her chest.
"I don't think that's a good idea," the bartender says as he stops wiping down the surface of the bar and looks up at her, eyes full of concern.
"Don't think, then," she replies gruffly. "I gave you more than enough money not to."
When she arrived over an hour ago, she had offered him two-hundred and fifty dollars to turn a blind eye to her age and to keep the drinks coming until she told him to stop. He hesitated at first, not wanting to get caught serving a minor. But she wouldn't take no for an answer, and it was only after Demi offered to double the amount did he finally agree.
The bartender sighs, shaking his head sadly as he grabs a bottle from under the bar and pours her another shot. "Anything else?"
"That'll be all," she says dismissively through hooded eyes as she reaches out, pulling the shot glass towards her. As an afterthought to ensure no misunderstanding, she adds. "For now."
She turns around on the barstool before he has a chance to respond or give her any more looks of pity and sadness. Her attention returns to a table nestled in the corner against the wall, the same one she's been focused on for the better part of an hour. Though the combination of dark lighting and the amount of alcohol coursing through her veins makes it difficult for her to see, she's able to tell that the once occupied table has been abandoned.
Stumbling to her feet, Demi furiously scans the crowd as a wave of panic seeps through her. She had only looked away for a couple minutes. Only a couple. Frustration takes over as all of the unfamiliar faces in the crowd begin to blur into one large abstract portrait, causing her head to throb. When she's almost ready to give in and go home, she finds them on the dance floor off to the left side. With a sigh of relief, she settles back on the barstool and watches.
It's not the first time Demi's done this, or even the second. By now, she's lost count of the number of times she has shown up where she knew they would be. She never approaches them, never says anything, only watches. The location changes - sometimes it's a restaurant, other times an event - but the reason for being there is always the same.
A ritual of self-punishment.
One she's become consumed by since they - Selena and Dianna - made their relationship public almost six months ago. Most people would avoid places where they know their ex-girlfriend and said ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend will be. Not her, though. She actively seeks them out. Seeing Selena with Dianna serves as a reminder of what she lost and what she could have had.
Sometimes Demi wants to hate Dianna. Like when she sees pictures of the two in magazines - which is frequent since they're Hollywood's newest 'it' couple - holding hands and posing together on the red carpet or out in public. Or when she hears Selena gush about Dianna in interviews, how utterly in love she sounds. Even more so, when she hears Dianna talking about how lovely Selena is and how lucky she is to be with someone as wonderful as her.
But hating Dianna, she knows, would be pointless. Because no matter how many little excuses she comes up with for why she should hate the blonde, it doesn't change the fact that she herself is the reason things ended with Selena, not Dianna. And for that, she can only hate herself.
The DJ puts on a slow song and Demi watches as Dianna pulls Selena in closer. Selena's arms drape around Dianna's shoulders as the blonde's hands slip around Selena's slim waist, fingers splaying across the small of her back. She swallows thickly, trying to suppress the emotion building within her as she downs the shot she had almost forgotten.
Watching the two dance so intimately reminds her of the many times she and Selena had gone dancing. They would dance until a slow song came on and then she would lead a reluctant Selena back to their seats. Selena would stare longingly at couples gliding across the floor, and Demi would do her best to ignore the disappointment in Selena's eyes when the offer for a dance never came.
Demi sighs softly as she moves her arms back to prop her elbows against the bar. If only she had been as fearless - she bitterly associates the word with Taylor, as it was the country singer's connection to Cory that had been the catalyst for Selena and Dianna's introduction - when it came to Selena as she had always been with her career, things might be different. She could be the one with Selena in her arms instead of Dianna.
"It fuckin' kills seein' them together, doesn't it?"
Demi jumps slightly from the sudden voice so close by. She looks up and finds Lea Michele, drink in hand, sliding down onto the barstool beside her.
"Excuse me?"
"Di an' your Disney darling," Lea tilts her glass in the girls' direction.
"I don't know what you're talking about," As the words fall from her lips, she feels nothing but disgust. After all she's lost, she still can't admit out loud the truth about her relationship with Selena.
Lea snorts. "Of course not."
She doesn't respond to Lea's sarcastic remark, hoping her silence will make the other girl leave her to her misery. There's shuffling beside her and when she chances a look out of the corner of her eyes, she expects to see Lea moving away. Instead, she finds Lea slumping further on the barstool, nursing her drink, eyes fixated on the dance floor.
Pushing Lea's presence from her mind, she shifts her focus back to the dance floor. When the slow song ends and a faster-paced song comes on in it's place, the couple ease their way through the crowd, returning to their table. They slide into the booth, sitting side by side, their hands on top of the table, clasped and fingers laced.
Demi doesn't know what Dianna is saying, but her heart drops as Selena throws her head back, laughing. If she closes her eyes, she can summon the many memories she has of nights spent filled with Selena's laughter and can almost hear the warm sound tickling and teasing at her ears. She never thought she'd miss being the reason Selena laughs.
"Today would have been our anniversary."
Demi's brows furrow, eyes flickering over to Lea at the sound of her voice. She had forgotten about the other girl. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Dianna an' I," Lea's head rolls to the side until her eyes meet Demi's. "Today woulda been our anniversary."
Demi's eyes widen and her mouth falls open slightly.
"What?" Lea scoffs before taking a swig from her drink. "You thought you were the only one drowning in misery tonight?"
Now that she thinks about it, it doesn't seem all that surprising that Lea and Dianna had been together. She's seen pictures of the Glee co-stars together and she's pretty sure there are marked similarities between those pictures and the ones of herself and Selena when they were 'just friends'.
"W-What-" Demi hiccups, then takes a deep breath. "What happened?"
"I fucked up. Fucked up big time. That's why she's over there with her an' not here with me," The faintest hint of an accent is present in Lea's voice as she turns up her glass, downing the rest of her drink and wincing slightly from it's burn. "What happened with you an' the wizard girl?" Lea holds up her hand. "An' don't try denying it this time, you suck at lying."
Demi frowns at the girl's blunt words. She lifts her head, looking away from Lea, her eyes traveling back to the table in the corner. Selena has her head resting against Dianna's shoulder as pale fingers thread through dark tresses. She sighs, closing her eyes, wishing she could feel those silky locks once more.
"I got scared," she begins, slowly opening her eyes as she turns to Lea. "I kept thinking about how people would react if they found out about us, and I-I...I just panicked," She drops her gaze to her lap where trembling hands fidget. "I pushed her away and didn't look back until it was too late."
It's the first time she's said out loud the reason behind the fall of their relationship and subsequently, their friendship. Even her closest friends, the ones who actually knew about her and Selena, had no idea what happened. The revelation, however, doesn't ease the heavy burden on her heart. If anything, acknowledging out loud that her cowardice and nothing else is what ended things with Selena makes her feel unbearably worse.
"Ending your relationship over fear makes you less of an asshole than me," Demi's eyebrows quirk, wondering if this is Lea's attempt at offering words of comfort. "I chose my career over her," Lea admits, darkly, her expression hard and jaws clenching. "Told her my career was more important than a romance that most likely wouldn't last."
Demi sees the anger and self-loathing burning in Lea's eyes and knows if she had a mirror she'd see the same reflecting in her own eyes.
"The look on her face when I told her that, when I-" Lea sniffs. "When I broke her heart, I can't forget it. I see it in my head over an' over again, every fucking day."
And Demi knows what that's like, because even though it's been almost a year and a half since she put an end to their relationship, she still wakes up in the middle of the night from dreams (or nightmares, she should say) of Selena's tear-stained cheeks and pleading voice.
"You want to hear something funny? Or sad? Depending on how you look at it," Lea chuckles dryly, and Demi tilts her head, waiting. "I can't even really hate them for being with each other, cause fuck, if they don't look sweet together."
Part of her, this miniscule part of her buried deep inside that can look at Selena and Dianna objectively without jealousy flaring up, agrees with Lea. And it's kind of (really) depressing to her, to acknowledge that Selena looks sweet with someone else other than her.
"Disgustingly sweet," she finally says without a hint of malice.
"Which just makes knowing what we gave up suck even more," Lea's lips purse into a thin line as she roughly runs her fingers through her hair. "I wish I could go back, do it all over again. Wouldn't care if I lost my career, long as I still had her."
"Yeah, same."
Lea falls silent, which is fine with Demi because she doesn't really feel like talking anymore - not that she had really felt like talking to begin with. But she supposes it's nice, in a twisted sort of way, to know that someone else is as miserable as she is.
After a few minutes have passed she decides it's been too long since her last drink. She flags down the bartender and orders two more shots. Ignoring his obvious displeasure, she downs the first shot and closes her eyes as the comforting warmth of the alcohol spreads through her body.
"Fuck," She hears Lea hiss as she's turning back around on the stool.
"What is it?" she asks.
Lea gives no indication she's heard the question, only stares ahead, brows knitting heavily under her bangs. Demi's eyes follow along Lea's line of vision. She swallows hard and a sharp pain shoots through her chest at what she sees.
Dianna is cupping Selena's jaw with her hand, thumb stroking at the younger girl's cheek as their lips move together in a languid kiss. Leaning back against the booth, Selena's hand snakes up and behind Dianna's neck, pulling the blonde closer, deepening the kiss.
Demi feels her heart breaking all over again.
"I can't....I can't watch them anymore," Lea's voice trembles and breaks as she darts up from the stool. She looks down at Demi, eyes hollow and hard, with her hand extended. "Let's go."
"What?" Demi lifts her gaze, meeting Lea's, confused.
"Let's go," Lea repeats, and Demi doesn't miss the hint of pleading desperation in the otherwise cold words.
Her gaze drifts past Lea to the girls in the corner, pressed together and kissing like nothing else in the world exists. Exhaling shakily, Demi turns up her last shot and downs it quickly before slipping her hand into Lea's.
Lea pulls her to her feet, dragging her away from the bar and through the crowd with ease. She leads them past the line of women standing along the wall outside of the restroom, ignoring the protesting words and insults being yelled at them. A couple of girls stand at the sinks, talking, and Lea fixes them with a pointed glare.
"Out," The word comes out low and quiet like a growl and the girls mutter something to one another before slipping around them and out the door.
Demi stands awkwardly just inside the doorway as Lea drops her hand and moves along the row of stalls, glancing quickly under each. Satisfied, Lea walks back to the front of the restroom and kicks away the small wooden wedge propping the door open. The door slams shut and the click of the lock sliding into place rings out like a gunshot echoing through the air.
There's a moment where she thinks nothing is going to happen, that Lea has dragged her into this restroom, like her friends have in the past, because everything has just become too much to handle. But then Lea looks at her with an expression she can't read, and before she knows it, Lea has her hand pressed against her stomach, pushing until her back collides with the wall.
Lea's hand stays on her stomach, holding her still, while her free hand shoots up, gripping the back of Demi's neck and pulls her down into a bruising kiss. It's rough and it's urgent and unyielding, nothing gentle or tender about it and it makes Demi's heart ache even more for Selena and sweet kisses that tasted like heaven.
As Demi drags her nails down Lea's back, she tries to ignore the burn of betrayal she feels biting at her skin for touching someone else who isn't Selena. Her hand settles low on Lea's back, pulling her in closer as their tongues wage war in a ruthless battle for dominance. In the end, it's Lea who comes out as the victor as she digs her nails into the back of Demi's neck, eliciting a quiet groan of submission from the younger girl.
Demi pulls back from the kiss, the back of her head connecting with the wall with a dull thud when the hand on her stomach moves to grip her hip, pulling her in and holding her steady, as Lea's hips rolls up to meet hers.
Lea's mouth finds that spot on her neck and Demi braces herself because it never fails to make her weak in the knees. Lea licks and bites and sucks at the spot just below her ear, but doesn't soothe angry marks with soft kisses. It's this subtle difference that makes Demi realize it's not the spot itself, but rather the person who used to lavish it with attention that left her feeling breathless. And while Lea's lips and tongue and teeth make her feel good, it pales in comparison to the way Selena could make her feel.
"Fuck!" Demi hisses when Lea situates her thigh between her legs and moves her hand from her neck to her shoulder, pulling her down forcefully.
Lea nips sharply at her pulse point as her fingers curl around the curve of Demi's hips, guiding the younger girl forward and then back over her thigh.
Demi's eyes snap shut and she draws her bottom lip between her teeth at the sensation. Her hands move to Lea's shoulders, and she has half a mind to push her away, to stop her from going any further, but she doesn't. Because though this may not be exactly what she wants or how she wants it, it's what she needs and she knows by the look in Lea's eyes, peering up at her through her bangs, that she needs this too.
When Lea moves her thigh from between her legs and slides her hand down to unbutton her jeans, Demi cringes only slightly. Her cheeks, however, burn with shame as Lea tugs her jeans down over her hips and heated flesh, covered by only the thin, almost sheer fabric of her panties, is exposed to the cool air of the restroom.
Lea's fingers ghost a trail over damp material and Demi gasps, her hips raising slightly into the touch. As Lea cups her through her panties, the heel of her palm pressing firmly into her, Demi has to bite her tongue to keep from moaning. And guilt cuts through her like a knife because she shouldn't be doing this with Lea, with someone she doesn't know, her body shouldn't be responding to someone else's touch the way it is.
Then, in one fluid motion, Lea jerks her panties down.
She's never felt more humiliated than she does now, standing in a public restroom with her jeans and panties pulled down around her knees, as Lea nudges her feet apart, further exposing her. But she doesn't push Lea away because it's just another act of self-punishment, one she's using the older girl to fulfill. And maybe Lea knows that, maybe it's why she's doing this.
But Demi realizes, as Lea slips three fingers inside of her without warning or hesitation, causing her to cry out from the sudden invasion and the slight pain of being stretched, that maybe Lea's just using her to fight her own demons.
And she's okay with that.
Demi's grip on Lea's shoulder tightens, nails digging into the nape of her neck, as Lea's fingers push deeper and deeper with every thrust. Strangled moans reach her ears and Demi's not sure if they're coming from herself or Lea - not that she cares, not that it matters. Beads of sweat form on her forehead, the air in the bathroom once cool is stifling now, as her hips try in vain to match the pace of Lea's fingers.
She knows, with the amount of alcohol she's had, that if she tried hard enough she could pretend she's pressed against the wall of her dressing room, like she has been many times before, after another sold-out concert, and not the wall of a club's dingy restroom. That the hair, so dark and unruly, tickling at her collarbone smells of peaches and the lightest hint of vanilla instead of cigarette smoke and booze.
But no amount of alcohol or imagination, she realizes as tears well in her eyes, is going to help her pretend that the fingers thrusting relentlessly inside of her belong to Selena.
Even when Selena was at her most uninhibited, when her touch was unabashed and frenzied, there was always a tenderness brimming just beneath the surface. Whether it was in the way Selena looked at her, eyes bright and shining with love, or the I love you's she murmured into her skin as she pushed her over the edge, Demi always knew - always felt - how much she was loved.
But love is the last thing she feels right now, because in this moment love doesn't exist.
Demi's head falls back against the wall and she clutches the back of Lea's tank-top as Lea's fingers twist and curl. Her knees start to buckle when Lea brushes her thumb over her clit. But a thigh between her legs and a hand gripping her hip keeps her from pooling on the floor in a boneless heap.
Her breath comes in harsh, ragged pants as Lea moves her thumb in tight circles around her clit while using the added pressure of her thigh to push her fingers in deeper. She'll be sore tomorrow, but with hope, the pain she feels between her legs will dull the pain she feels in her heart.
Low, guttural moans emit from the back of her throat as Lea's thumb presses firmly again her clit and her fingers curl inside, providing the final push needed to send her tumbling over the edge, Selena's face painting the back of her eyelids.
While her body shudders with pleasure, her heart, already bruised and broken, finally and completely shatters.
Her breathing slowly returns to normal and she struggles to keep the tears at bay as Lea gently withdraws her fingers. Neither of them says a word - the only sounds in the room are those that filter through the vents in the ceiling and the narrow slit under the door and the soft puffs of air Demi releases as she exhales.
A wave of nausea hits her as she realizes she's still exposed.
She moves her hands down from Lea's shoulders to cover herself, but stops when Lea rests her head against her collarbone. She tenses slightly when Lea's knuckles brush over her thighs, thinking the other girl wants her to reciprocate. But her fears are abated as Lea sighs into her skin and pulls up her panties, then her jeans, carefully buttoning and zipping them.
Lea lingers for a moment with her hands on Demi's hips. Then, without so much as a glance up at Demi, Lea moves to the door, unlocks it, and doesn't say a word as she walks out of the bathroom.
Alone, Demi collapses to the floor as tears cascade down her cheeks. Left to deal with her heart ache, her pain, the consequences of her actions that lead her to this moment, she openly sobs as she draws her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them.