Apr 10, 2009 21:44
I never write in here anymore. I have been dying to write lately, and meaning to write, in a journal but it seems so stupid to me. I always hate re-reading what I wrote.
Lately I have had so much mix of happiness and unhappiness, I have been very confused. I went back on medication for my anxiety because after the second broken cell phone and a shit relationship with my boyfriend I realized I had to get my life under control. It helps a lot but of course it doesn't magically make life better.
I hate working, I hate it so much. I hate money and I wish that my school was paid for. My boyfriend doesn't work and his school is paid for, which makes me so jealous and resentful. He gets to live at home this summer and I have to go to waterloo to be with him. I'm not exactly following him there, I do want to move and I do want change so I think it will be good, but I wanted us to live together. It's a turn off to that he is going to live back home, especially since he is 21. I feel like he should stand up for himself and say that he doesn't want to, but I think it is because he secretly wants to. I don't think he wants to live with me. I don't even think he wants me to come. I think he wants to have fun with his friends and just have time to his self. I don't think he finds me very fun, only when he has nothing else to do. He hates Nova Scotia, so at least he has me, but he loves his friends back home so I just think he wants to go back to his old life and have me here when he comes back to school. Maybe it's crazy, but that's how I feel.
I have been working so hard to become a better person lately. I've got rid of bad friends and don't waste my time with people who I don't think will make me happy. It's hard because sometimes I get lonely but I do have friends and people to talk to. I am a lot calmer and I try to not get mad at Al or fight with him, but this makes him walk all over me a lot. He thinks he does nothing wrong and he thinks he tries so hard, and he is great most of the time, but he can be mean and he never realizes it. He hurts me a lot and I just let it go and sometimes I feel I deserve better. I put so much into this relationship and I give him so much, I am so thoughtful and caring and yes sometimes I snap at him or am a bitch but I'm human and I'm not perfect. I have made such a big change and he doesn't even care. He doesn't try to become better and more thoughtful. A lot of the time I feel like I give and get nothing in return. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just gets defensive and mad so it sucks. It frustrates me because I don't want life to be like this. It makes me feel lonely.
Al is great though, despite this he is not a bad boyfriend. When it's me and him we laugh a lot and we love doing things together and he likes to make me happy. We are like best friends and we can talk about anything and share all our secrets and I can honestly say I would marry him.
I think the reason I am afraid to write is because I never want him to see this and think that it's actually the way I feel. Yes, I get upset, but it doesn't mean I don't love him and want to be with him. No one is perfect.
I don't know, it's good to write here because I know people don't care about my relationship problems. Who actually likes to hear about other peoples relationships? It's boring. I'm not sure if Al and I will actually make it, I would like to, but sometimes I feel that he's not as motivated or as hard working as I am, and maybe that is a good thing but a lot of the time it causes conflict. Sometimes I feel like I will need someone who shares the same interests in politics and human rights and traveling, making the world a better place. If he actually ends up being a police officer, like he says he wants to be, I don't know how that's going to work out with me being a journalist who wants to travel. It's difficult not being able to share a passion with someone, something that is part of my life and something that I love so much.
I'm only 20, and I have no idea what is going to happen in my life, but it's good to write the things I think about. I love Al to death, he is amazing and he does make me happy most of the time. I'm just afraid I am putting too much effort into it and sometimes I want to be more independant. There is so much I want to accomplish in life and I don't want to miss out on something just because of a guy.
One step at a time I guess.