Mar 19, 2007 22:40
it's hard to help someone, when you can barely figure out how to help yourself,
it's even harder to help someone when you don't care, not that I don't care about the person, I do, I always have, but that person that I was that would listen and respond, and try and figure out what to say and how to help, isn't here anymore, that girl does not exist... it's so hard for me to care about myself, that when it comes to other people I fail to give a damn anymore... I know it's sad, it's even sadder for me... but it's easier for me to ignore and be silent than to try and find the strength it takes to care about other people...
I miss who I was, but I don't, it was draining to care about everyone's feelings...but at the same time it's even more draining not to, because not caring I watch from the sidelines and I see them falling apart, but I can't find the words, and I can't find the time, and I can't find the moments to think about others, because It takes so much just caring about me...
It never gets better the emptiness is always there, and I can't fix that for me, how do I fix that for another??
and home...what a novel idea, but home is filled with pain for me, I don't belong there, I have no place there anymore, in anyone's life, and that sucks because I made the difference in so many lives, and now Im nothing, which is ok as far as friends go, but I don't even have a place in my family, I disrupt there routine when Im there, and it's because they changed when I left...which maybe is good for them, and me in the end...but it hurts to no longer fit in your own family... not that they don't love me, and not that I don't love them... but there's no place for me, they're better with me here...
But here is no place for me... it's lonely and it's overwhelming, but it always has been since the moment I moved in, so I've become use to this feeling, and for the most part completely apathetic to it, which brings me back to not caring at all... I don't, I haven't in awhile, and I don't know if I will ever give a damn about anything ever again....
Don't take this wrong, Im fine, Im probably the best I've been in a long time because I'm trying to make the most out of every day, even when they go awfully wrong, but I worry every moment that I won't ever care about anything....
and what kinda of life will that be, if the only thing I care about is me, and even that is a forced conscience effort...
Im scared to think that every day will end the same...
dark, quiet, tired....alone