a sudden change in perception
I spent the week over easter on the Gold Coast to stay with my folks. There's so much I'd like to get down but I don't think it'll do it justice trying to squeeze it into a single entry. I went to a good friends birthday party on easter Sunday and what happened there has shifted me more than I could ever imagine. This could be a fairly intimate and sappy post, so I'll be courteous and put it behind a cut for those who might be uncomfortable.
I've not always been completely forthcoming about how I've been feeling in the past few months. I've been up and down as expected but as I don't tend to post as often as I'd like I tend to post on my better days when I'm motivated to do so. That being said I've had a few pretty dark moments, especially in the few weeks after I heard about Splatter.
I've always been aware that I'm more isolated than is good for me hear so I've focused on hardening up to get through what I have to and rediscover a drive purely for myself. During all of this I've strived not to think about my personal future as much as I possibly could as it just lead straight back to dwelling on what I've destroyed. I couldn't get past how anyone else would see me, or take a risk, or how I could ever consider being close to another person. There was a conviction that I would never be able to commit fully or probably make similar choices/mistakes. In short I just never thought I'd be able to get past my past. It seem insurmountable and felt like it would swallow me whole if I wasn't careful.
This wasn't helped at all with a combination of a string of bad luck and only relying on phone calls and msn for some morale support. My postie bike was stolen twice, written off the second time and in between this I came off it on a rail crossing at 60 or 70 Km/h. I've only recently been able to use my arm fully again. I knew it would be easy to wallow fall into drink and lethargy so I put a lot of effort into eating properly and putting in a bit of exercise. Even when it was the last thing I wanted to do, I knew I'd only feel worse if I let it get the better of me.
So after eight weeks of slogging through all of this and uni I didn't protest at the idea of heading back to Mum and Dads for a bit and checking in on a few good friends if I could. Jasons' cocktail party was just the perfect idea. I went along in a good headspace, happy to cruise along. I was thought I would catch up with some of my favourite people. I didn't expect to meet someone who looked at me in a way I never thought I'd see.
So, what happened?
Well, during the evening I connected with a girl I had only met that evening. I don't think I'd even realised it until it was happening and I just lost myself in the moment. I'm not even sure how it happened. I found myself siting close to her in conversation before that sensation of being just a little short of breath, wondering if it was just me as we got closer and then she looked straight into my eyes and into me. I felt comfortable, vulnerable and comfortable being vulnerable. It was exactly at that moment I'd realised just how shut down I'd become and how much I'd been disguising it. It had been a long time since I'd been able to be so open.
For once where it may seem complicated for some people, the overlying situation has kept it very simple. I've never been involved in an open relationship and I had wasn't sure what the situation was. I'm happy that someone could show me such love and have their partner accept that in someone. I couldn't handle getting in between a couple after what I've been through the last few months.
Because of this experience, for the first time in a very long time I can sense love in the world again and just how much we can love if we let ourselves. I've always felt positively towards open relationships but now I feel a greater understanding of the ability people have to show it. It's not that I've gotten over or move on from the most significant person in my life, or that I know I ever will, but I can feel love for another person. I didn't think it would happen and now at least I have hope.
I did wonder if this new sensation would fade or disappear after returning to the south island. After almost a week I still feel so very at peace and I am aware that there will be plenty of ups and downs ahead but that sense of hope is powerful. It might just be enough to get me through.
There are so many other good things that happened during the holiday, friendships renewed and made that I feel I'm neglecting them but as significant as they are, this one thing had such a dramatic affect. The rest of the party may have to wait for a post of it's own.
I'll leave it with a beautiful piece of animation I've come across.
I've not always been completely forthcoming about how I've been feeling in the past few months. I've been up and down as expected but as I don't tend to post as often as I'd like I tend to post on my better days when I'm motivated to do so. That being said I've had a few pretty dark moments, especially in the few weeks after I heard about Splatter.
I've always been aware that I'm more isolated than is good for me hear so I've focused on hardening up to get through what I have to and rediscover a drive purely for myself. During all of this I've strived not to think about my personal future as much as I possibly could as it just lead straight back to dwelling on what I've destroyed. I couldn't get past how anyone else would see me, or take a risk, or how I could ever consider being close to another person. There was a conviction that I would never be able to commit fully or probably make similar choices/mistakes. In short I just never thought I'd be able to get past my past. It seem insurmountable and felt like it would swallow me whole if I wasn't careful.
This wasn't helped at all with a combination of a string of bad luck and only relying on phone calls and msn for some morale support. My postie bike was stolen twice, written off the second time and in between this I came off it on a rail crossing at 60 or 70 Km/h. I've only recently been able to use my arm fully again. I knew it would be easy to wallow fall into drink and lethargy so I put a lot of effort into eating properly and putting in a bit of exercise. Even when it was the last thing I wanted to do, I knew I'd only feel worse if I let it get the better of me.
So after eight weeks of slogging through all of this and uni I didn't protest at the idea of heading back to Mum and Dads for a bit and checking in on a few good friends if I could. Jasons' cocktail party was just the perfect idea. I went along in a good headspace, happy to cruise along. I was thought I would catch up with some of my favourite people. I didn't expect to meet someone who looked at me in a way I never thought I'd see.
So, what happened?
Well, during the evening I connected with a girl I had only met that evening. I don't think I'd even realised it until it was happening and I just lost myself in the moment. I'm not even sure how it happened. I found myself siting close to her in conversation before that sensation of being just a little short of breath, wondering if it was just me as we got closer and then she looked straight into my eyes and into me. I felt comfortable, vulnerable and comfortable being vulnerable. It was exactly at that moment I'd realised just how shut down I'd become and how much I'd been disguising it. It had been a long time since I'd been able to be so open.
For once where it may seem complicated for some people, the overlying situation has kept it very simple. I've never been involved in an open relationship and I had wasn't sure what the situation was. I'm happy that someone could show me such love and have their partner accept that in someone. I couldn't handle getting in between a couple after what I've been through the last few months.
Because of this experience, for the first time in a very long time I can sense love in the world again and just how much we can love if we let ourselves. I've always felt positively towards open relationships but now I feel a greater understanding of the ability people have to show it. It's not that I've gotten over or move on from the most significant person in my life, or that I know I ever will, but I can feel love for another person. I didn't think it would happen and now at least I have hope.
I did wonder if this new sensation would fade or disappear after returning to the south island. After almost a week I still feel so very at peace and I am aware that there will be plenty of ups and downs ahead but that sense of hope is powerful. It might just be enough to get me through.
There are so many other good things that happened during the holiday, friendships renewed and made that I feel I'm neglecting them but as significant as they are, this one thing had such a dramatic affect. The rest of the party may have to wait for a post of it's own.
I'll leave it with a beautiful piece of animation I've come across.
Click to view