I don't want it to end.
While I was driving to school yesterday I saw the most beautiful thing. It was drizzling which in itself is beautiful sometimes. But, there was this one church on the side of the road. I noticed a man outside- and being that the weather wasn't so good at first I had no idea what he was doing.
As I got closer- I saw that he was painting. He had an easle set up & he was painting this chrurch. From my car I could see that this painting was amazing. He was an old man in a yellow rain suit, with a hat and everything. He was peaceful and happy. It was the most lovely thing I've seen in a long time. It made me feel alive. I don't think I'll ever forget that momement. He lived in it. He wanted that picture- from his heart, and he wanted it rain or shine.
I'm at my moms house. It's loud. The kind of loud where you can't hear yourself think. Breathing is loud, walking is loud- everything is amplified by 100 percent. And not happy loud. Nothing is fluid. It's all very- stacato.
I went jogging today with Annie. We went to the track @ FA. I miss it. It hit me at the moment, that I'm not just on a break. That I will never again stay after school- and smell the "after school" practice smell. The excitement of the weekend football game, or the cute boy that you had a run in with after hours. I won't have that first day of school smell...
or graduation day parting bittersweet countdown to the end, laugher & tears.
I don't know how to live without that stuff. I always assumed it would come back. I'm scared of getting older. Kate died. BJ died. Kate was in my grade, BJ was below me. I can't handle this. The more I think I'm okay- the further I drift.
It scares me. I feel like I push away my certainty & just want to know everyone & make sure they all know I love them. I really am alone when I think about it. Honestly.
I don't have many friends- not that try to keep in touch w/ me. And when it's too late they'll be sad. I hope nobody feels that way about me. I try- it's just sometimes I feel like...I'm not wanted. So it's hard to bring yourself to try again.
I don't know how to change things. I don't deal well with it.
And why can't dreams come true? Why can't you get something you want. Something you really truely belive can happen? WHY can't it happen? What if I want it SO bad I can taste it? Does that not matter to ANYONE but me?
How come certain people can't see you for more than just a person. It's like- You're a fan. Nothing more, nothing less. Nobody sees the you in that equation. Though you wanna get to know someone, you can't. Because you're a "Fan" the real you doesn't get to shine though & make any kind of impression. Then it's all over. And thats the end.
Wow I think today made me sad? Although I thought I had an okay day. ::shrugs:: I think seeing BJ's picture & prayer card/obituary really got to me.
I miss theatre class, and plays, the way the stage smelled at practice, the way it smelled during a performace. I miss lunchtime, and the pie, flirting, picking the flowers, convincing mr.st.pierre to take my english class outside to read, the cool air, the first day of school smell, new clothes, not having to worry about anything, not having to pay for gas, montreal, last summer...wow everything.
PS Does anyone have the link to the photographer page where the Tyler Pics are from the Old Port Festival? My mom was gonna order some for my birthday- but the link is gone. Maybe you know someone would has it saved or ordered some? thanks
As I got closer- I saw that he was painting. He had an easle set up & he was painting this chrurch. From my car I could see that this painting was amazing. He was an old man in a yellow rain suit, with a hat and everything. He was peaceful and happy. It was the most lovely thing I've seen in a long time. It made me feel alive. I don't think I'll ever forget that momement. He lived in it. He wanted that picture- from his heart, and he wanted it rain or shine.
I'm at my moms house. It's loud. The kind of loud where you can't hear yourself think. Breathing is loud, walking is loud- everything is amplified by 100 percent. And not happy loud. Nothing is fluid. It's all very- stacato.
I went jogging today with Annie. We went to the track @ FA. I miss it. It hit me at the moment, that I'm not just on a break. That I will never again stay after school- and smell the "after school" practice smell. The excitement of the weekend football game, or the cute boy that you had a run in with after hours. I won't have that first day of school smell...
or graduation day parting bittersweet countdown to the end, laugher & tears.
I don't know how to live without that stuff. I always assumed it would come back. I'm scared of getting older. Kate died. BJ died. Kate was in my grade, BJ was below me. I can't handle this. The more I think I'm okay- the further I drift.
It scares me. I feel like I push away my certainty & just want to know everyone & make sure they all know I love them. I really am alone when I think about it. Honestly.
I don't have many friends- not that try to keep in touch w/ me. And when it's too late they'll be sad. I hope nobody feels that way about me. I try- it's just sometimes I feel like...I'm not wanted. So it's hard to bring yourself to try again.
I don't know how to change things. I don't deal well with it.
And why can't dreams come true? Why can't you get something you want. Something you really truely belive can happen? WHY can't it happen? What if I want it SO bad I can taste it? Does that not matter to ANYONE but me?
How come certain people can't see you for more than just a person. It's like- You're a fan. Nothing more, nothing less. Nobody sees the you in that equation. Though you wanna get to know someone, you can't. Because you're a "Fan" the real you doesn't get to shine though & make any kind of impression. Then it's all over. And thats the end.
Wow I think today made me sad? Although I thought I had an okay day. ::shrugs:: I think seeing BJ's picture & prayer card/obituary really got to me.
I miss theatre class, and plays, the way the stage smelled at practice, the way it smelled during a performace. I miss lunchtime, and the pie, flirting, picking the flowers, convincing mr.st.pierre to take my english class outside to read, the cool air, the first day of school smell, new clothes, not having to worry about anything, not having to pay for gas, montreal, last summer...wow everything.
PS Does anyone have the link to the photographer page where the Tyler Pics are from the Old Port Festival? My mom was gonna order some for my birthday- but the link is gone. Maybe you know someone would has it saved or ordered some? thanks