A lifetime of waiting..
[ "I'm not a woman who believes in love," she murmured to the man sitting beside her, "but part of me knows that I'll always be waiting on him. No matter where I am, or what I may be doing with my life; however fulfilled or empty it may be..I'll be waiting on him. And he will consume my thoughts until death." She paused, and languidly tapped the
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~Louisa May Alcott to Maggie Lukens,
February 14, 1884
Your words reminded me very much of these. :)
I've always shared very similar feelings about love. I'm not generally one to 'seek it out', and I've always had difficulty sharing my deepest feelings with those I love, outside of my family, for fear, perhaps, that bringing those feelings into the open would somehow tarnish them, or perhaps for fear those I thought I 'loved' might not truly be the people I wanted them to be. When I was younger, I held close to one great 'crush' for many years, but then I became very sick and she moved away, and it was many years before I briefly saw her again. When I did, amazingly, she showed me a note passed to her by my best friend, passed from behind me, to her, just as I was preparing to tell her how I had felt for so long, finally, one of the last days of school in the fifth grade. haha;> ;/ Through high school, I felt I had to focus on my studies in order to earn scholarships, so I could afford to go to college, and I didn't really feel as though I or the girls around me were quite mature enough for true, lasting love, and I planned to move far away for college, and it seemed unlikely we could maintain a long-distance relationship throughout college, as we both matured and came to better understand ourselves and what we truly wanted in love. At the end of high school, my older, only sister died, and that seemed to mark the end of one of what seemed the truest loves of my life, as I could no longer really maintain my long-distance feelings for her, when my family needed me so much more, and when I had so many more immediate, vital personal feelings and concerns to work through. She then started a relationship with another once close friend of mine, and I just tried to regain some understanding of 'purpose' or 'reason' in my life, following my sister's death and so many unexpected changes in my life, following that serious illness.
In all honesty, I don't really know if I'll ever had a lasting, 'true love' for my life. I've had many powerful dreams wherein I've seen myself in future years being involved with advanced technology, and, alternately, helping others as some form of 'leader' following a major holocaust, but in none of my dreams have I really had the sense of having found 'true love', of sharing my life with a life-long companion. As much as I love children, and as much as I love cherishing others, particularly when it comes to love, both physically and emotionally, I may well never enjoy these wonderful gifts, directly. I'm just truly thankful my older, only brother is now starting a family of his own, with a wonderful, healthy, vibrant, happy little boy, Paul Joseph, born May 15, 2001, and, now, a new baby expected in September or October. I will always cherish his children as my own, in a sense, I imagine.:)
Since we spoke very briefly of the idea of 'love', a few nights ago, I believe, Ashley, and as I know we've spoken about the idea before, and with this most recent entry of yours, I guess I thought I would try to 'explain' a bit more completely my own, deepest feelings about love. :)
My Prayers and Hopes are with You and your Family, as Always, Ashley.:):) Please take good care of yourself.:):) I look forward to reading more of your beautiful, thought-provoking, mysteriously 'third-person' journal entries for many years to come.:):) (I would offer gentle, appreciative hugs, there, but I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable. haha;>. ..:)
Sincerely,
Always,
Your Admiring Friend and semi-protective 'Big Brother',
John :)
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Wow. That wasn't long at all! :]
In elementary-high school (and ever many years after that), it isn't all about finding a lasting relationship..it's about having fun. Trying out different personalities to see what fits and what doesn't.
And I would try to reassure you that you would find 'love' one day, but..I've never believed in such a thing. It's all white-picket fence, knightinshiningarmor/damselindistress fairytale nonsense to me. Something we've been conditioned to crave. And very rarily do people find 'life-long' companions. We're narcissistic/selfish people by nature. When we find better..we go for it. And one of the two will always find something more exciting, more fresh.
And that's okay too.
xoxo xx__♥
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