(no subject)

[_cranes]

i had been re-evaluating my life, and for better or for worse, i'd come to see myself as if through a microscope. and the people i surrounded myself with i saw through a goddam pinhole. so i stopped surrounding myself with things too large to black my view of the big picture. then all the people faded away, and i found myself getting stoned and eating mayfield chocolate ice cream every night with pat. and that just wouldn't do. i picked it apart, i picked it to death, every little thing about him i hated. my cuticles are a mess as consequence. but that's not to say i am. i broke up with him. i didn't fall to pieces, as i so anitcipated us both to do.
the thing i just really hate, that really just salts the wound, is how sweet he is about the entire thing. "do what you need to do, do whats best for you, i know i'm the one that did this, this is my fault, i love you and want to be a part of your life, and even though i hurt, i know it's best for you. i just want you're happiness. i want to believe there is hope, but i know there probably isn't. but i want to believe liz."
and he doesn't say it snidely, or maliciously, but just deeply, and slowly, softly, as if to comfort me.

and i'm throwing that away, that wonderful person.
i just need to take time for myself. in doing so, i'm learning that the big picture doesn't fucking matter.