i have never said these words before...

[_cram_]

It is almost 3am on my last Saturday night in New York until the end of January. I still have two projects to turn in and a final to take before I head home after my first semester of college. It sounds so weird to say. I am in college. I feel so old (even though I am constantly reminded that I am a baby). It still feels strange to think that my youth is almost over and soon I will no longer be a teenager. I don't feel as if this is all real. It is still as if at any moment I could be back in high school and I would not think twice about it. It doesn't seem real that I will never walk down that road again with only the moon light to guide me home after ten hours spent in a freezing theater. I will never compete in comp again. I would redo high school again in a minute. I would do it again, but I would change so many things, not all but many. I would erase the stupid fights and nights worrying over dumb problems. I would do it again and enjoy it. I would live it again but with the feeling I have right now. I would redo my first semester again as well. However I can't seem to find anything that I would change. Perhaps one phone call that was made to an old friend by new ones, but that is all. I guess this is a good thing, right? I like the way things are going. I like what I am doing. I like where I am. I like the people around me. Yet something is still not right. I still feel as if part of me is missing. I think deep down I am afraid that this feeling will never disappear. I have a fear that I will be replaced or forgotten. The people that mean the most to me will go on and live their lives to the fullest and reach their potentials but I will always be afraid. I don't want this to happen. I want to be open and accepting, yet I am afraid others will think they are replaced. I know who is important to me and I really don't think that will change. I want additions. I want to grow and meet new people. I want others to do the same. Yet this fear is ever present. I am worried that one day I will turn around and be a memory, something of the past. A story told to replacements. It scares me to think that the people I will never replace and the ones I hope never replace me probably will not read this. I hope they do. The future excites me, but at the same time I am terrified. I think these next six weeks will be what I need. I hope they remind me of something I feel I have lost. I hope it's not gone it has just changed.

... i wish we were all in new york together...