(no subject)
Ok, so today, which was supposed to turn out like a fun friday. Sucked. With a few good points to it. So, it was an ok day to start off, A Day so automatically that's a +. Everythings OK. Until lunch. Then, Bill starts acting really weird, like, he's ignoring me, doesn't look at me, won't talk to me. And whenever he did say something, it was about Brittany and him or Brittany and Ms. Shuck or something Brittany did, or something she said that he just found absolutely hilarious, even though everyone else was doing the same thing... I'm like, well...he always does this. Last month it was nothing but Oliva. So, now i guess his next fling is Brittany. Great right? He always makes me feel really bad. Seriously. he's ALWAYS miserable, depressed, and not fun and never feeling good when he's around me so that really made me like, mad. But i just sorta hoped that it was just nothing. Then i get a text from him, and i call him back later. Figuring, he might be in a better mood. Well, he was. Didn't have ANYTHING else to say other than what him and everyone else did. Because today, apparently BECAUSE i wasn't there, it was very fun for him and he had everyone over. By everyone i mean Kevin, Amanda, Brittany, Stephen Painter, and Brian. Sp they just had a grand old time. And i got to hear NOTHING but what Brittany did and said and this and that the whole time. Well, ok, i can take a fucking hint you know? When it comes to me he like, hates it. Everything about it. He makes a HUGE deal about me coming over everytime I say something, yet then, the one day I don't do anything, he invites a bajillion friends over to his house. What is up with this mess? Seriously. Am i missing anything? I feel so stupid. Because I always tell him I wish there was something I could do to make everything better and to make him feel better. And I always tell him if there is anything at all, to tell me and I'll try my best. But obviously that's not good enough. Like, am I just being really stupid? Or what? I'm SO :this close: to being completely through with guys. I mean, he hates me, and here I am, trying to be really nice to him all the time and just hoping he won't start liking someone else. Which is very easy to do, because, well, look at me, i'm NOT the prettiest, funniest, smartest and outgoing girl there is. I just don't even know anymore. All I know is he really makes me feel like crap. And, I'm really just tired of always having him tell me I'm the one who's going to get sick of him and all this nonsense. But in reality, it's the other way around, because I'm not the one who is always depressed around him, and i don't seem miserable all the time up until he leaves. I don't know if I should continue to put up with it and act like everythings fine, or just...i don't know...
it's not only that, he's been getting REALLY demanding and pushy about me doing certain things to him. And it's definitely WAY not cool. And i've tried to explain it to him we don't have to be like that EVERYTIME we are together, but apparently, to him, we do. And he's just pushing so much. And i just sort of want to be like WAIT, PAUSE, REWIND and FREEZE. Lets just RELAX for a while. Right? You know! Cause he's really like, lets have sex, EVERYTIME. and I always say no. Because, I just don't want to. It's not him or anything, well, maybe if he wasn't so pushy. But that's not really anything to do with it. It's just the fact that I'm not ready and don't want to. Period. Dot. End. No other explaination. But does he understand? No. he just says like "Fine, you don't like me. Why not? You'll never be ready. Laura that's so gay. " and like the list is endless.
I cried so much tonight. There's more, but this is all I feel like typing. I just needed someone or something to pour my thoughts and feelings into. Although I'm sure the internet is NOT a good reliable source. =/ I'm so worn out now. And I'm trying to break up with Bill, but he's like NONONONONO you can't! I want to be together! We should be together! You promised! I, I just don't really know right now. I'm so torn and tired. =( I love him, but he hurts me a lot. And i don't know what to do. I just, I only want to be the best for him. I wish I could be. But obviously I can't....=(
it's not only that, he's been getting REALLY demanding and pushy about me doing certain things to him. And it's definitely WAY not cool. And i've tried to explain it to him we don't have to be like that EVERYTIME we are together, but apparently, to him, we do. And he's just pushing so much. And i just sort of want to be like WAIT, PAUSE, REWIND and FREEZE. Lets just RELAX for a while. Right? You know! Cause he's really like, lets have sex, EVERYTIME. and I always say no. Because, I just don't want to. It's not him or anything, well, maybe if he wasn't so pushy. But that's not really anything to do with it. It's just the fact that I'm not ready and don't want to. Period. Dot. End. No other explaination. But does he understand? No. he just says like "Fine, you don't like me. Why not? You'll never be ready. Laura that's so gay. " and like the list is endless.
I cried so much tonight. There's more, but this is all I feel like typing. I just needed someone or something to pour my thoughts and feelings into. Although I'm sure the internet is NOT a good reliable source. =/ I'm so worn out now. And I'm trying to break up with Bill, but he's like NONONONONO you can't! I want to be together! We should be together! You promised! I, I just don't really know right now. I'm so torn and tired. =( I love him, but he hurts me a lot. And i don't know what to do. I just, I only want to be the best for him. I wish I could be. But obviously I can't....=(