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This type of thing is happening a lot. Someone goes off on a tangent and says "your mommy never bought you [whatever] and now you want to die", and then seem to forget I never mentioned [whatever] in the first place. Then they tell me I'm a piece of shit for killing myself over it. It's like they forget they're the one that mentioned [whatever] in
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Listen, man. I don't know if I can change your mind about this, but it would be heartless not to even try after hearing of your intent to commit suicide. I have been dealing with depression and feelings of inferiority my whole life and have often thought ending it all would be better.
First of all, ironically, I got the news from the somethingawful website, which I visit at least twice a week for the humor and photoshop phriday crap. While much of their site is pretty tasteless, some of it does indeed appeal to my warped sense of humor. Anyway, I do tend to agree that your method of broadcasting a cry for help is a bit difficult to come to terms with, but at least you are reaching out.
Your journal states that you are 23 years old. I myself am 30, and the truth is that it takes a while to come to terms with who you really are and what you want out of life. At 23 I was a mess, and upon hearing a friend say that most guys don't figure themselves out until their mid-30's, I was pretty skeptical. However, as I get older I realize she was absolutely right. If you can just hang in there I know things will get better!
Do yourself a favor and consider the following: I take Zoloft for both depression and anger management and it helps more than you can imagine, especially with insecurity. Visit a doctor and try it out, or one of the myriad other medications available until you find one that's right for you. I was skeptical myself, but after 3 weeks or so I swear by it.
Also, when I'm feeling really down and fed up with life, I try and think about the things I would be missing by offing myself. In our lifetimes, if people can stop being so damn obsessed with monetary gain (or even if they don't, down the road a ways...) we'll get to see manned missions to Mars and perhaps colonization of the lunar surface, androids, cloned abominations of the animal kingdom, cures for blindness and deafness (A reliable source tells me MIT is about to perfect transforming brain waves into audio/visual signals). There's just too much going on to miss! Right now is a pretty exciting time to be around, my friend! Hell, we could even learn the truth about extraterrestrial intelligences! Think about how awful it'd if on January 14th, humans and aliens finally made their first public contact.
Anyway, you seem pretty articulate... maybe you could write the next great American Novel. Become an amateur astronomer and save Earth with an early warning concerning a near-earth asteroid or something.
If I died right now, I'd miss some amazing video games in the years to come! Think about this. And it's true, the people who would be most hurt by your suicide are the people you care about the most.
Life is rough. If you need someone to talk to, you can email me at astralprojectile@aol.com
Make the right decision.
-Kris
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So many people are trying so hard to help you, perhaps because they have also felt absolutely void of hope and they know what an awful state of mind that is. Despair is something every one of us has felt at one time or another and the underlying emotion is universal. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have to open yourself up a little if you are going to see that you aren't alone.
I once asked the powers that be for help, to send a sign because I was finally going to go through with it. I was at the end of my rope. The reason I did get a sign (in the form of a beautiful girl selling tires door-to-door) and you have not is because you don't really want things to change. You can't expect someone to open the door for you if you're standing on the other side holding it closed!
Change your frame of mind, open your heart. Give the responsibility over to the universe. Know that if you're willing to accept it, a sign will be given.
-Kris
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A man of deep religious conviction whose house was endangered by rising floodwaters refused to evacuate as ordered by emergency officials.
"God will save me" he said.
When the water reached his yard, an emergency truck rolled through the street and stopped to try to talk him into coming along. He refused, insisting on staying at the only home he'd ever known. He waved them on.
"God will save me," he told them.
The waters rose higher. The first floor was flooded, and he climbed to the second floor of his home where it was dry. An emergency boat came by to try to remove him. He refused their offer of assistance.
"God will save me," he assured them.
And the waters rose higher still, forcing him out of the window and onto the roof where he clung to the chimney, battered by wind and rain. A day later the wind had calmed, but the rain continued and the waters rose. He straddled the very top of the roof. A rescue helicopter flew overhead, lowering a rope and harness. He was cold, wet and hungry, but he would not be swayed. Again, he refused their help, staying strong in his faith.
"God will save me," he insisted.
A day later, unable to maintain his grip, he was swept into the waters and drowned. When he arrived at Heaven, St. Peter shook his head and let him in. The man went to see God.
"Lord, I have always been your faithful servent. I believed that you would save me, but you let me perish! Why?"
And with a deep sigh, the Lord replied:
"I *sent* you a truck, a boat and a helicopter."
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