(no subject)
It took me ages to remember how to even make a post to livejournal. This takes me back - I feel like I should be sitting at a giant computer desk with a rat on my shoulder.
There is a lot I should be doing right now, but instead I'm ruminating. My mother died a year ago this month. She died suddenly at the tender age of 60.
If I die at 60, my life is over half over with. I was sad to lose my mother, but that was also a frightening thought. It led to something of an existential hiccup. I won't say crisis since it didn't change my life very much. I dragged my feet getting to work because it didn't seem very important, and that got me a talking-to. (I realized that while going to work may not seem important, getting paid and having insurance does. That helped more than anything.) I thought a bit about what I'd like to change about my life, and much of that is on the back burner and nothing has really changed. Other than not having a mother.
I felt like I should try to reconnect with people I have kind of lost contact with. There was one college friend who I hadn't seem much on facebook, so I messaged her and asked how she's doing. She messaged back that she was fine, thanks for asking. While I was glad she was fine and thankful for my interest, I was disappointed that she gave little opportunity to continue a conversation. Then I noticed we weren't facebook friends anymore, which would explain why I hadn't seem much from her. I could either wonder about that an not know, or I could ask. So I asked if I had done anything. She said no and said she made a friends cut for reason x, but she would 'be there' for me if I ever 'need anything.' I remembered reading about reason x before but had forgotten about it. I felt a bit like an ass for forgetting reason x. I went to respond that I understood and would drop it, but she had blocked me. How would she ever know if I need anything from her if I can't talk to her?
She didn't know my mother had died, but I was sick of people telling me that they would help me with 'anything.' That no one's fault and it's something I would have said before experiencing a loss, too. But on the receiving end of everyone telling me that, it just seemed lazy. Someone felt bad, but they would do anything for me, so everyone can feel better. I also had people who let me know they were available if I wanted to talk, or if I wanted them to watch the boys so I could have some time alone. I didn't take them up on that, but greatly appreciated the offers. I think all of those people lost someone close to them in the past and know how much it means to have someone put some thought in their offers and what someone grieving would want.
So I got on my husband's facebook and wrote this girl that while I was sick of this consoling lie, she is the only one to told me that and then blocked me. I would cherish it always. She blocked him.
So that's my fun story. I suppose the moral is to ride out any existential hiccup without changing your life. Don't reach out to restore connections to old friends.
There is a lot I should be doing right now, but instead I'm ruminating. My mother died a year ago this month. She died suddenly at the tender age of 60.
If I die at 60, my life is over half over with. I was sad to lose my mother, but that was also a frightening thought. It led to something of an existential hiccup. I won't say crisis since it didn't change my life very much. I dragged my feet getting to work because it didn't seem very important, and that got me a talking-to. (I realized that while going to work may not seem important, getting paid and having insurance does. That helped more than anything.) I thought a bit about what I'd like to change about my life, and much of that is on the back burner and nothing has really changed. Other than not having a mother.
I felt like I should try to reconnect with people I have kind of lost contact with. There was one college friend who I hadn't seem much on facebook, so I messaged her and asked how she's doing. She messaged back that she was fine, thanks for asking. While I was glad she was fine and thankful for my interest, I was disappointed that she gave little opportunity to continue a conversation. Then I noticed we weren't facebook friends anymore, which would explain why I hadn't seem much from her. I could either wonder about that an not know, or I could ask. So I asked if I had done anything. She said no and said she made a friends cut for reason x, but she would 'be there' for me if I ever 'need anything.' I remembered reading about reason x before but had forgotten about it. I felt a bit like an ass for forgetting reason x. I went to respond that I understood and would drop it, but she had blocked me. How would she ever know if I need anything from her if I can't talk to her?
She didn't know my mother had died, but I was sick of people telling me that they would help me with 'anything.' That no one's fault and it's something I would have said before experiencing a loss, too. But on the receiving end of everyone telling me that, it just seemed lazy. Someone felt bad, but they would do anything for me, so everyone can feel better. I also had people who let me know they were available if I wanted to talk, or if I wanted them to watch the boys so I could have some time alone. I didn't take them up on that, but greatly appreciated the offers. I think all of those people lost someone close to them in the past and know how much it means to have someone put some thought in their offers and what someone grieving would want.
So I got on my husband's facebook and wrote this girl that while I was sick of this consoling lie, she is the only one to told me that and then blocked me. I would cherish it always. She blocked him.
So that's my fun story. I suppose the moral is to ride out any existential hiccup without changing your life. Don't reach out to restore connections to old friends.