Insufficiency in Song
"Your strength is made perfect when I am weak..."
I love that line. Around me, God's strength is made perfect often. It seems that the majority of entries I make have to do with my weaknesses, and it's not that I am down on myself all the time, it's just that I struggle so frequently. And because of my struggles and my failures, I dissappoint myself ofen. Tonight my disappointment was with my inability to worship. It is so frustrating to me! What I want to be able to do, more than anything, is be consumed by God during worship. I always pray that the Holy Spirit would fill me and just set me on fire during every single song at Crave. But all too often, I catch myself getting distracted by other thoughts about other things. This is ironic to me, because if I could stand and sing songs literally all night in praise, I would! I would sing until my voice was gone and my legs were shaking. Praise and worship time like we have at Crave is my all time favorite thing. I would rather do that than pretty much anything I can think of. Which begs the question, if I love it so much, why can't I focus? I have to try so hard to not listen to myself sing...making sure that I'm on key, hitting that note, doing the right harmony...that my own act of worship takes away from my ability to worship. Make sense? Of course, sometimes if I really focus and try to literally picture God on His throne smiling as He watches us all worship Him, I can begin to get into a song the way I so badly want to. But even then, I usually have a difficult time truly worshipping. I can imagine Jesus standing in front of us taking it all in... and still feel like I'm just singing to sing. I'm confused and dissappointed and extremely frustrated with myself, because I want so very badly to regularly experience the passion I've so rarely tasted. More than anything, I would love to lead worship, or at least help lead it, and it's things like this that make me feel so unqualified. If I'm not connecting with God through song, how can I ever lead groups of people in worship? I don't understand. If I want so badly to lead, and I want so badly to feel the Holy Spirit moving in me when I worship, then why isn't it happening? At Crave, I am definitely singing songs with the goal of praising our Lord; I just feel like I am not praising Him enough or something...I don't know what I'm feeling. Just very very frustrated and determined to fix this problem.
I love that line. Around me, God's strength is made perfect often. It seems that the majority of entries I make have to do with my weaknesses, and it's not that I am down on myself all the time, it's just that I struggle so frequently. And because of my struggles and my failures, I dissappoint myself ofen. Tonight my disappointment was with my inability to worship. It is so frustrating to me! What I want to be able to do, more than anything, is be consumed by God during worship. I always pray that the Holy Spirit would fill me and just set me on fire during every single song at Crave. But all too often, I catch myself getting distracted by other thoughts about other things. This is ironic to me, because if I could stand and sing songs literally all night in praise, I would! I would sing until my voice was gone and my legs were shaking. Praise and worship time like we have at Crave is my all time favorite thing. I would rather do that than pretty much anything I can think of. Which begs the question, if I love it so much, why can't I focus? I have to try so hard to not listen to myself sing...making sure that I'm on key, hitting that note, doing the right harmony...that my own act of worship takes away from my ability to worship. Make sense? Of course, sometimes if I really focus and try to literally picture God on His throne smiling as He watches us all worship Him, I can begin to get into a song the way I so badly want to. But even then, I usually have a difficult time truly worshipping. I can imagine Jesus standing in front of us taking it all in... and still feel like I'm just singing to sing. I'm confused and dissappointed and extremely frustrated with myself, because I want so very badly to regularly experience the passion I've so rarely tasted. More than anything, I would love to lead worship, or at least help lead it, and it's things like this that make me feel so unqualified. If I'm not connecting with God through song, how can I ever lead groups of people in worship? I don't understand. If I want so badly to lead, and I want so badly to feel the Holy Spirit moving in me when I worship, then why isn't it happening? At Crave, I am definitely singing songs with the goal of praising our Lord; I just feel like I am not praising Him enough or something...I don't know what I'm feeling. Just very very frustrated and determined to fix this problem.