every night....
i fall asleep like this.
without fail, again i am high. and without fail, itll take me hours to write something very very long that only stoned people understand.
my mother is being very bizzarre. I honestly think our brains work differently. She thinks she has more control on me than she ever has? It is uncomfortable when she acts like she'll take away basic needs and basic freedoms if i continue on certain behavioral paths. I'm sad that we're not closer, I'm sad she wasnt a single mother who needed me and I'm sad we have so little in common. Everyone always said how similar I was to her, and i never see it. I feel like its my fault. Everyone likes my mother, so why do i try so hard not to be like her?
sooo tomorrow i am leaving this place. I was wondering today about the reasons behind all the trips i take. Dana said to me that i was always leaving and i realised shes right. Why did i leave all the time? I think its because i just cant function in this place for too long. For a while its fresh and comforting but then after a while i start to wonder why i'm here, what drew me here in the first place, and wonder why i'm not somewhere else. Is san francisco really the answer to my problems, my dissatisfaction with here and now? Is mather a cure? Is fucking England a huge friendship bandaid? What is eugene, then?
Sometimes i get cynical about what i'm doing. I think, "you're not living your life like an ordinary person, you're just smoking a lot of pot." or "Youre not a normal teenager, all you do is obsess about your thoughts and your feelings" But then other times I shake my head and realise that what i'm doing here is living, whether or not i think it is. boo i'm so illiterate.
today i shouted "I want friends who are literate" (I meant articulate)
chloe said in a little voice "I'm literate"
i smiled.
we sit at the park a lot. I wonder sometimes whats behind all the park admiration. Grass is everywhere. Americans do a lot of things in the grass. But it isnt really an international thing. Not on the same scale.
i wonder if minette will call me in san francisco. I wonder if i'll have any damned fun in san francisco. i wonder if my family and i are going to fight a lot. i wonder if i'll want to stay when it comes time to leave. I wonder if my friends are sick yet of me leaving all the time. I wonder if i'll EVER stop fucking WONDERING about everything all the time. Or if someday i'll short out and never be cursed again never be blessed again with this horribly useful inquisitive mind.
the end. goodnight.