it's hard when the days are so short and the nights are so long
i haven't accomplished much of anything these last few months and i keep making excuses for myself. work. school. society. anything to give my mind a little rest. an idea of peace, that everything really is under control, everything is handled, and i don't get that awful feeling that i am worthless to just about everyone and everything. i mean honestly, to be over-dramatic, would it really make a difference if i just ceased existing tomorrow? not in a suicidal sense, but if one day i just wasn't around, would it really matter to anyone but the people i see everyday? no. not at all.
even though i have enough self-esteem to realize that i have potential, i just have no motivation to exercise it. i want to make differences in people's lives. i want to change perspectives and pre-conceived ideas. this is all so very dream-like. i smoke too much. i drink too much. i often get the feeling that i am falling forward when i am walking.
iv is so surreal in itself, thousands of people, of students, of kids who are all in the same general age group, co-existing within a square mile. who are all these people? i won't ever know them all. that would be impossible. i don't even want to know them all, but sometimes i feel like there are just so many amazing people so close to me, that it is just teasing me that i haven't met them. what is stopping me from hanging out with them everyday? it might be fate. which sounds a little crazy, but i think i believe in fate. there are just too many coincidences.
but honestly, i am really happy with my friends right now, but like always, there are friendships that i want to re-kindle, and friendships i want to pursue. yet, i am so content with my current favorites, that it is hard to leave that feeling of comfort at the risk of losing it. if i go and hang out with my dorm friends from last year, i am not hanging out with the kids i see everyday. and though it may sound strange, i would miss them. they are more like me, i think. they want to hang out with me, and i want to hang out with them. and that is flattering. to have people want to be with you, no matter what you are doing. everything can be a party.
growing up i think i just took friends for granted. i always had at least one or two best friends that i could count on to always be there. it wasn't anything i had to try at, i had just grown up with these kids, they lived down the street from me, we did team sports together, our parents played bunco together. and it was expected that we would hang out. but coming to college really made me realize the full potential people have. i was lucky in that i ended up living with two of my best friends from home. i didn't have to expand, i was already within a sense of family. it was a given that we would hang out.
i needed more though. i love meeting new people. i feel like i am a pretty good judge of character. usually i can tell within a few minutes of meeting someone if i like them or not. if i want to spend more time with them. if i want to hang out with them everyday. since our housemates hate us and are moving out, we have had a few girls come look at the rooms. i almost can't stand it. it makes me nearly nauseous because i just don't want to deal with it. i know these girls aren't anyone i would ever want to get to know better. they are all nice people. they are smart. they are cool. but i don't like them. i can pick apart their personalities in seconds. why do i do this? i don't know them at all. do people do this to me? god i hope not. i honestly hope people aren't so self-aware that they are just rip me apart because they know that i wouldn't ever fit into their lives. because i think that is what i do. i gage people i meet on whether or not i truly think they could make a difference in my life. a lot of people i meet i am somewhat disappointed in. they hold no mystery. i want a challenge in dissecting someone's personality. it might just be this environment, where nearly everyone under the age of 30 is so driven by partying or studying. i need a balance. an intellectual alcoholic. a smart stoner.
so it is odd going to parties where it is all the same kids at every drunken party, all the same houses or garages, all the same music, all the same dancing, all the same piercings and tattoos, all the same drugs, all the same words. we recognize each other as kindred spirits because of the way we dress, the way we cut our hair, the way we speak. we look down on people who are different. we stand out from the sheep-like masses, yet we are our own judgmental, superficial mass. who is anyone? i spend the night at one of my best friend's houses. but i hardly know this person. i don't know his past, he doesn't know mine. and yet there is this strange attraction. but is this just because of convenience? are we so comfortable with each other that it makes it easier to just kill the loneliness immediately than to seek out some random and meaningless midnight satisfaction? i don't know. i don't know what he wants, or what i want. i don't even know what he thinks, or even what i think.
these walls are thin. and the sun is going down. these lives are just all so close. reach.
even though i have enough self-esteem to realize that i have potential, i just have no motivation to exercise it. i want to make differences in people's lives. i want to change perspectives and pre-conceived ideas. this is all so very dream-like. i smoke too much. i drink too much. i often get the feeling that i am falling forward when i am walking.
iv is so surreal in itself, thousands of people, of students, of kids who are all in the same general age group, co-existing within a square mile. who are all these people? i won't ever know them all. that would be impossible. i don't even want to know them all, but sometimes i feel like there are just so many amazing people so close to me, that it is just teasing me that i haven't met them. what is stopping me from hanging out with them everyday? it might be fate. which sounds a little crazy, but i think i believe in fate. there are just too many coincidences.
but honestly, i am really happy with my friends right now, but like always, there are friendships that i want to re-kindle, and friendships i want to pursue. yet, i am so content with my current favorites, that it is hard to leave that feeling of comfort at the risk of losing it. if i go and hang out with my dorm friends from last year, i am not hanging out with the kids i see everyday. and though it may sound strange, i would miss them. they are more like me, i think. they want to hang out with me, and i want to hang out with them. and that is flattering. to have people want to be with you, no matter what you are doing. everything can be a party.
growing up i think i just took friends for granted. i always had at least one or two best friends that i could count on to always be there. it wasn't anything i had to try at, i had just grown up with these kids, they lived down the street from me, we did team sports together, our parents played bunco together. and it was expected that we would hang out. but coming to college really made me realize the full potential people have. i was lucky in that i ended up living with two of my best friends from home. i didn't have to expand, i was already within a sense of family. it was a given that we would hang out.
i needed more though. i love meeting new people. i feel like i am a pretty good judge of character. usually i can tell within a few minutes of meeting someone if i like them or not. if i want to spend more time with them. if i want to hang out with them everyday. since our housemates hate us and are moving out, we have had a few girls come look at the rooms. i almost can't stand it. it makes me nearly nauseous because i just don't want to deal with it. i know these girls aren't anyone i would ever want to get to know better. they are all nice people. they are smart. they are cool. but i don't like them. i can pick apart their personalities in seconds. why do i do this? i don't know them at all. do people do this to me? god i hope not. i honestly hope people aren't so self-aware that they are just rip me apart because they know that i wouldn't ever fit into their lives. because i think that is what i do. i gage people i meet on whether or not i truly think they could make a difference in my life. a lot of people i meet i am somewhat disappointed in. they hold no mystery. i want a challenge in dissecting someone's personality. it might just be this environment, where nearly everyone under the age of 30 is so driven by partying or studying. i need a balance. an intellectual alcoholic. a smart stoner.
so it is odd going to parties where it is all the same kids at every drunken party, all the same houses or garages, all the same music, all the same dancing, all the same piercings and tattoos, all the same drugs, all the same words. we recognize each other as kindred spirits because of the way we dress, the way we cut our hair, the way we speak. we look down on people who are different. we stand out from the sheep-like masses, yet we are our own judgmental, superficial mass. who is anyone? i spend the night at one of my best friend's houses. but i hardly know this person. i don't know his past, he doesn't know mine. and yet there is this strange attraction. but is this just because of convenience? are we so comfortable with each other that it makes it easier to just kill the loneliness immediately than to seek out some random and meaningless midnight satisfaction? i don't know. i don't know what he wants, or what i want. i don't even know what he thinks, or even what i think.
these walls are thin. and the sun is going down. these lives are just all so close. reach.