(no subject)
this must be my punishment... for cheating! that's why people should never cheat on genuine love... i've learned that now. i'm never going to do it again. that doesn't mean im gonna come clean about it but i'm just gonna deny my carnal pleasures the next time if there is gonna be another time. this relationship is about the hardest thing i've been in and its just this one... i've never been in such a difficult relationship. Neither one of us gives we just take, take, take... and i know it would probably change if one of us would just give a little but we are too much a like we think the same and neither one of us likes giving in. we both hold grudges. we're both stubborn. our prides won't let us say sorry. and we both must be right. some may think that we are the perfect couple but in fact it's horrible when you get in a fight and nobody is winning we're just beating each other down to the point that we don't want to physically be near one another but emotionally we want everything to be back to normal.. to go back to the kissing and the hugging... saying sorry would be too much like right.. even the rare times that we do say sorry we just can't accept the fact that the other person is trying to be mature or are genuinely sorry we have to ride them... we just have to we can't just take the apology for what it really is worth. and then there are the insecurities. i don't really have any but because this relationship overlapped the other one.. (the 3 years of seriousness, first times, tears, respect, and love) and the fact that i still do have feelings for my ex and still will until the day that i die, he thinks that i'm going to hurt him by going back with my ex. Now this is what i was genuinely afraid, my track record for cheating isnt that squeaky clean so he prolly thinks that there is a great chance that i would go back to him. the only way that i would go back to my ex is if we break up. then i'll be free to go back to him he won't have any control over that. but as of right now i really like him.. he's my number one priority. i waste so much of my time with him just cuz i like being with the big loser. i love everything about him. especially the fact that he's a challenge for me. he's so damn cute. and he's the perfect lover. although he's suckin up my money and eating my damn food i let him because i really don't mind and he's pays me back by letting me almost live in his house and eat his food. maybe we fell for each other too hard and too fast. we are attached so much so that we are desperate for each other but i've realized we don't know that much about one another.. i dont know.. i just know that i don't want to hurt him and he doesn't want to hurt me. but i guess the insecurities are bigger than love. he has been an asshole these past couple of days though. starting with thursday. i wanted to cook for him and give him a big ol' massage just to be a good girlfriend and he completely neglects me by hanging out with his friends all night. i naturally catch an attitude because he knew that i wanted to get stuff done by a certain time but he just took it as 'oh she's being mean.' the next day he comes to get me at the end of the afternoon like im supposed to just get over the fact that he just left me stranded at school... so i'm still holding the grudge because i haven't heard an 'i'm sorry' yet. after the worst sex ever and a half assed attempt to walk out on him we became friends again and we started playing again. we were friends until the next morning. after i fed his fat butt and he took me back to my dorm with all of my stuff (which was alot) he starts whining because he doesn't have his phone and he thinks he's gonna get cursed out by his mom because she might not have the key to her own house and would be locked out since he's not home. now i understood where he was coming from the first couple of times. but he just kept telling me to hurry up .. while i was trying to situate everything and he just kept whining and whining like a little bitch so i had to yell at him. of course he took it as if i was being wrong for yelling at him but he was aggravating me like i was intentionally trying to get him in potential trouble (i was really trying to situate myself so that i could hold everything) so we hated each other. until i was the bigger person to call and apologize but he still acted like 'well yeah it was your fault and you should be sorry' i had to let that slide. so we were friends again until he comes to pop in and see me. i didn't know where he was but i was supposed to assume he was in the parking lot. so he yelled at me over the phone for being too slow again. so that made me mad. and he had the audacity to act like i had no reason to be mad. i let it go away because it was petty. but then he takes my laptop and wouldn't give it back after i asked for it plenty of times. i was actually fighting to get my laptop back and he wouldn't give it back. he thought i was playing the entire time and his justification for being an asshole was 'we act just the same so you know when you tell me not to do something im gonna do it' which made even madder. then he does the most disrespectful thing he reads my conversation with dex. no i didn't want him to read because every time he sees or hears me talking to my ex he gets all defensive and mad. nothing incriminating was in the message but i don't want him reading my conversations unless i allow him to.. that is complete disrespect.. but that just blew up into a whole other thing. we are weird. we're right yet wrong. we're different but the same. we just buck too hard.... way too hard...