(no subject)
On the 7th, my grandfather was burried in 2000. My mother was always very close to her father, it was the reason she would visit Portugal at all. Naturally, we haven't gone back since the family said their goodbyes a few months previous to his passing. I'd be lying to say that my grandfather and his passing is something that is always in my mind. We never spoke a common language, so my grandfather and I were never close. It is my mother'sfeelings that I mourn.
My mother mentioned me attending a mass they're holding for my grandfather. It's during my murderous thursday class schedule and I'm waitlisted for those classes to boot -- I can't go. But my guilt doesn't lie there. She tried to non-chalantly bring up that she'd never felt as happy as she did once her father died. She felt happiness around family and happiness with her kids, but it was different. Dulled and maybe less marvelous. Ten years of missing happiness. My mother's the type to rarely confide to other people, so when she does it's vague and abrupt. It's something you listen to, talk for briefly, but can't dwell on lest she become incredibly defensive. This was one of those times. Granted, she's always like this during the longest nights of winter.
It's discouraging for me in many ways. For starters, it makes me wonder if I'm doing a poor job as offspring. A part of me knows that's not entirely it - but it sits there on the back of my pallete. What I really wonder is that if people are really only to be allotted a certain amount of happiness. Once you find something that you truly love, nothing will replace it or compare to it. Once it's gone, you're capable of love but your heart never entirely forgets. What it can no longer have, it places on a pedestal as a standard. Immaculate in your memory and it's untouchableness.
I think, for that reason, i feel compelled to honor my grandfather's death. Not for his sake, but for my mother's. In the end of the day it probably does nothing, my mother accepts no comfort from others, but it's the only thing I can think of to offer up. These situations always leave me feeling painfully incomplete, even if I'm not the one who's truly missing someone.
And i just saw an episode of the new scrubs season..no new series? i mean, wtf. that's not even scrubs anymore. it's some gross inviable hybrid that should have died as a fetus of an idea but lived on to be some mangey ugly thing that no one wants to touch let alone live.
sorry. that really did also upset me, too. probably not as much or profoundly.
My mother mentioned me attending a mass they're holding for my grandfather. It's during my murderous thursday class schedule and I'm waitlisted for those classes to boot -- I can't go. But my guilt doesn't lie there. She tried to non-chalantly bring up that she'd never felt as happy as she did once her father died. She felt happiness around family and happiness with her kids, but it was different. Dulled and maybe less marvelous. Ten years of missing happiness. My mother's the type to rarely confide to other people, so when she does it's vague and abrupt. It's something you listen to, talk for briefly, but can't dwell on lest she become incredibly defensive. This was one of those times. Granted, she's always like this during the longest nights of winter.
It's discouraging for me in many ways. For starters, it makes me wonder if I'm doing a poor job as offspring. A part of me knows that's not entirely it - but it sits there on the back of my pallete. What I really wonder is that if people are really only to be allotted a certain amount of happiness. Once you find something that you truly love, nothing will replace it or compare to it. Once it's gone, you're capable of love but your heart never entirely forgets. What it can no longer have, it places on a pedestal as a standard. Immaculate in your memory and it's untouchableness.
I think, for that reason, i feel compelled to honor my grandfather's death. Not for his sake, but for my mother's. In the end of the day it probably does nothing, my mother accepts no comfort from others, but it's the only thing I can think of to offer up. These situations always leave me feeling painfully incomplete, even if I'm not the one who's truly missing someone.
And i just saw an episode of the new scrubs season..no new series? i mean, wtf. that's not even scrubs anymore. it's some gross inviable hybrid that should have died as a fetus of an idea but lived on to be some mangey ugly thing that no one wants to touch let alone live.
sorry. that really did also upset me, too. probably not as much or profoundly.