My laptop hates me...
..and I fugging hate it back. I had written the majority of a really big post last night and now it's gone. I remember thinking "Maybe I should save a copy of this in Word before I....nah!". Like clockwork I close the screen of my laptop which SHOULD put my computer into standby. However...it has this problem where every once in a while it decides to just freeze up instead. So instead of my nice little standby screen I was greeted by the black of nothingness this morning. >_<
Maybe it's for the best. The whole entry was a long and drawn out account of the catastrophe that was my presentation on Wednesday. On the whole it was an excuse to bitch about one of my fears. The fear of speaking in public is something many people share...but it tends to go double for me. I probably spent the most time preparing for that stupid 4-5min oral report than any of the other eight people that presented that day...and I'm pretty sure I did the worst out of all of them.
When it comes to my fears I have to exempt the one thing that makes most difficult activities bearable...that being my ability to start out strong and gradually do worse. Nope...when it comes to shit like public speaking I'm rolling downhill from the get-go. -_-;
To start things off the moderator had the job of introducing everyone at the table...of course I'm the only person who had a name she couldn't remember. It doesn't usually bother me that I go unnoticed most of the time. It usually works to my advantage. O_o But anyway...I managed to introduce myself and tell everyone what I would be talking about. I even managed to get my first line out perfectly! That was evidently all the confidence I had in me though...because when I went to say my second line I pulled a "Bush".
I'm sure everyone has a specific action that they would so lovingly name after our current president. Mine happens to be when a person is unable to say anything of meaning for the span of about 7-9 seconds.
..and that's exactly what I did. I had a brain freeze...try as I might I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to say next. It all happened so fast...but it felt like an eternity to me. -_-; I sputtered out a weak apology...looked at my outline with enough focus to pull myself back to reality and spit something out. It was horribly embarrassing.
Any concentration I had went out the window...not to mention any remaining confidence. My professor also has this sick habit of ticking off on her grade sheet how many times you say "uh, um, etc"...I think my count was somewhere in the 24-26 range. My four and a half minute report was shortened by about a minute just because I started talking too fast and skipping things. I made a small personal comeback about halfway through when I snuck in a joke about Bush and Kerry in relation to my topic. It had to be subconscious...because there's no way in hell I would say "In recent news both presidential candidates have said they plan to back the expansion of hydrogen fuel cell technology...but who really knows what that means anyway?" under normal circumstances.
In the long run I didn't really suffer too much. My teacher gave me a 25/30. I lost my points for that opening fuck up, for crossing my arms during my presentation (also subconscious...it makes me more comfortable...plus it was friggin cold in there. O_o), formnot addressing my audience thoroughly...stuff like that. On top of that all students not participating had to fill out peer review slips that the presenters got to take with them after class. Some of mine were pretty humorous...I think my favorite was the one that just said "CALM DOWN".
I really don't know what scares me so much about public speaking...I think it's that I'm being forced to do something I'm not good at in front of people I don't really know. The fear of fucking up becomes so great that I just fuck up anyway. This fear isn't just of public speaking...it's of doing ANY activity in public that is unfamiliar to me.
Back when I went to Tampa with Kiks , Kitty, and company they wanted me to join their group for the J-rock/J-pop competition. I told them I just _really_ didn't want to do it...but I didn't feel like saying it was mostly because the thought of doing something like that scares me to death. >_< This isn't something I'm proud of...but it's a fear I probably won't get over for a good long time. It's this fear that keeps me from trying new things. Most of the time I'm more comfortable just sitting back and watching rather than risking fucking up and looking stupid (especially in front of people I don't know).
This is one of the few times I wish I had some of my old friends back home around. It was them who managed to talk/push me into things I would normally never do. The majority of my friends here at college are similar to me when it comes to stuff like this. -_-; I guess I'm just going to have to work on simply "sucking it up" myself from now on.
Blah...now that I got all of that out of my system I suppose I can write about the usual stuff. School is school. Aside from the dramatics on Wednesday this week has been pretty standard. I'm getting behind in two of my classes now...mostly on account of wasting time (like writing in the journal instead of doing a homework set!). I have two tests next week...and I'm pretty sure the other two will be the following week.
I almost had to go home this weekend to take care of the animals while my family was out of town. Of course at the last minute they changed their mind and decided to make the trip in mid-November instead. So I get to stay here...which might be a good thing considering one of those tests next week is first thing on Monday morning. To be honest...home gets to be a little boring these days. I know Jayme and Lauren love seeing me but there's just really not a lot to do there. I told both of them I'd probably be coming next weekend...but then I remembered it's going to be Brett's b-day. He wants me to go along with his family to Bennihanna's in Atlanta. Could you turn down a free meal at a kick ass Japanese steak house?...I didn't think so.
So as it stands I probably won't be going home until the first weekend of November. Which will also be good...mostly because all four tests will be out of the way...and Halo 2 will be starting the week after that. o_o;
After that there's Thanksgiving and then finals! Woot! I think I'll also have some more tests and TCO projects thrown in there...but I'll worry about those when the time comes. Right now I'm also trying to figure out a plan to visit the Tampa people again. I'm sort of counting on the fact that they'll be in school slightly longer than me when Christmas break lets out. ^_^; I figure I'll pack up, turn on 475 and motor it to Florida for lots of fun and adventure.
Poor Kiks might be seeking refuge again. I still think I need a better approach than "Hey mom!...look what followed me home. O_o" when I ask my parents about it. *lol* I'm learning that bringing people with me makes staying at home slightly more interesting...so I hope it works out.
I guess that's about all I have to say right now. Gonna go get ready for my classes and whatnot. I think I might be going to see Team America World Police tonight...hopefully it's as amusing as "Baseketball" was. Mom finally cashed Brett's "reimbursement" check for the hotel room at AWA and put some of it in my account. Feeling empowered with my new monetary resources I'm tempted to buy that new Cake cd...maybe even another disk of one of my remaining anime series I'm collecting. ;_; Or the fourth issue of the Hellsing manga if they have it! *sigh* So many cool things...so little money. >_<
Honestly I could probably afford to be like Kiks and go buy some clothes for the inevitable winter...especially since all my winter stuff is at home...and I'm not planning on going back for another two weeks! Damn it...I can feel my ass freezing already.
Oh well..until next time peeps!...I might yank some of those funny thingies from Ax's page so watch out. =P
Maybe it's for the best. The whole entry was a long and drawn out account of the catastrophe that was my presentation on Wednesday. On the whole it was an excuse to bitch about one of my fears. The fear of speaking in public is something many people share...but it tends to go double for me. I probably spent the most time preparing for that stupid 4-5min oral report than any of the other eight people that presented that day...and I'm pretty sure I did the worst out of all of them.
When it comes to my fears I have to exempt the one thing that makes most difficult activities bearable...that being my ability to start out strong and gradually do worse. Nope...when it comes to shit like public speaking I'm rolling downhill from the get-go. -_-;
To start things off the moderator had the job of introducing everyone at the table...of course I'm the only person who had a name she couldn't remember. It doesn't usually bother me that I go unnoticed most of the time. It usually works to my advantage. O_o But anyway...I managed to introduce myself and tell everyone what I would be talking about. I even managed to get my first line out perfectly! That was evidently all the confidence I had in me though...because when I went to say my second line I pulled a "Bush".
I'm sure everyone has a specific action that they would so lovingly name after our current president. Mine happens to be when a person is unable to say anything of meaning for the span of about 7-9 seconds.
..and that's exactly what I did. I had a brain freeze...try as I might I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to say next. It all happened so fast...but it felt like an eternity to me. -_-; I sputtered out a weak apology...looked at my outline with enough focus to pull myself back to reality and spit something out. It was horribly embarrassing.
Any concentration I had went out the window...not to mention any remaining confidence. My professor also has this sick habit of ticking off on her grade sheet how many times you say "uh, um, etc"...I think my count was somewhere in the 24-26 range. My four and a half minute report was shortened by about a minute just because I started talking too fast and skipping things. I made a small personal comeback about halfway through when I snuck in a joke about Bush and Kerry in relation to my topic. It had to be subconscious...because there's no way in hell I would say "In recent news both presidential candidates have said they plan to back the expansion of hydrogen fuel cell technology...but who really knows what that means anyway?" under normal circumstances.
In the long run I didn't really suffer too much. My teacher gave me a 25/30. I lost my points for that opening fuck up, for crossing my arms during my presentation (also subconscious...it makes me more comfortable...plus it was friggin cold in there. O_o), formnot addressing my audience thoroughly...stuff like that. On top of that all students not participating had to fill out peer review slips that the presenters got to take with them after class. Some of mine were pretty humorous...I think my favorite was the one that just said "CALM DOWN".
I really don't know what scares me so much about public speaking...I think it's that I'm being forced to do something I'm not good at in front of people I don't really know. The fear of fucking up becomes so great that I just fuck up anyway. This fear isn't just of public speaking...it's of doing ANY activity in public that is unfamiliar to me.
Back when I went to Tampa with Kiks , Kitty, and company they wanted me to join their group for the J-rock/J-pop competition. I told them I just _really_ didn't want to do it...but I didn't feel like saying it was mostly because the thought of doing something like that scares me to death. >_< This isn't something I'm proud of...but it's a fear I probably won't get over for a good long time. It's this fear that keeps me from trying new things. Most of the time I'm more comfortable just sitting back and watching rather than risking fucking up and looking stupid (especially in front of people I don't know).
This is one of the few times I wish I had some of my old friends back home around. It was them who managed to talk/push me into things I would normally never do. The majority of my friends here at college are similar to me when it comes to stuff like this. -_-; I guess I'm just going to have to work on simply "sucking it up" myself from now on.
Blah...now that I got all of that out of my system I suppose I can write about the usual stuff. School is school. Aside from the dramatics on Wednesday this week has been pretty standard. I'm getting behind in two of my classes now...mostly on account of wasting time (like writing in the journal instead of doing a homework set!). I have two tests next week...and I'm pretty sure the other two will be the following week.
I almost had to go home this weekend to take care of the animals while my family was out of town. Of course at the last minute they changed their mind and decided to make the trip in mid-November instead. So I get to stay here...which might be a good thing considering one of those tests next week is first thing on Monday morning. To be honest...home gets to be a little boring these days. I know Jayme and Lauren love seeing me but there's just really not a lot to do there. I told both of them I'd probably be coming next weekend...but then I remembered it's going to be Brett's b-day. He wants me to go along with his family to Bennihanna's in Atlanta. Could you turn down a free meal at a kick ass Japanese steak house?...I didn't think so.
So as it stands I probably won't be going home until the first weekend of November. Which will also be good...mostly because all four tests will be out of the way...and Halo 2 will be starting the week after that. o_o;
After that there's Thanksgiving and then finals! Woot! I think I'll also have some more tests and TCO projects thrown in there...but I'll worry about those when the time comes. Right now I'm also trying to figure out a plan to visit the Tampa people again. I'm sort of counting on the fact that they'll be in school slightly longer than me when Christmas break lets out. ^_^; I figure I'll pack up, turn on 475 and motor it to Florida for lots of fun and adventure.
Poor Kiks might be seeking refuge again. I still think I need a better approach than "Hey mom!...look what followed me home. O_o" when I ask my parents about it. *lol* I'm learning that bringing people with me makes staying at home slightly more interesting...so I hope it works out.
I guess that's about all I have to say right now. Gonna go get ready for my classes and whatnot. I think I might be going to see Team America World Police tonight...hopefully it's as amusing as "Baseketball" was. Mom finally cashed Brett's "reimbursement" check for the hotel room at AWA and put some of it in my account. Feeling empowered with my new monetary resources I'm tempted to buy that new Cake cd...maybe even another disk of one of my remaining anime series I'm collecting. ;_; Or the fourth issue of the Hellsing manga if they have it! *sigh* So many cool things...so little money. >_<
Honestly I could probably afford to be like Kiks and go buy some clothes for the inevitable winter...especially since all my winter stuff is at home...and I'm not planning on going back for another two weeks! Damn it...I can feel my ass freezing already.
Oh well..until next time peeps!...I might yank some of those funny thingies from Ax's page so watch out. =P