If you walk away now, you're going to start a war.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Self-exploration and what have you, and the more I think, the more I realize that I may not be made for relationships.
You look at certain people and they fit. I don't fit really. I can be so judgmental and picky that I haven't met a single guy in all of Illinois that doesn't make my skin crawl in some way. I tend let a lot slide when I'm somewhat attracted to someone physically. I fully aware that NO ONE is perfect, but when someone secretly annoys you and you're trying to build Rome for the sake of walking down the streets of it, you might as well use plywood and Gorilla glue. It won't have a good foundation. I can't BUILD a foundation with someone whom I want to secretly strangle when they sleep over.
Then the other problem is, I still don't believe that the bulk of society thinks I'm a catch, even though I know I am. I'm relatively normal. I don't have any issues with my parents, I have a job, I'm working for a degree, I have my own place, I have a heap of a car (but a car nonetheless), I like good music, and art, and other things that intrigue people.
But here in Chicago there several types and EVERY guy I've met fits into one of these categories:
The pretentious assface hipster clown-Prone to wearing skinny jeans, obsessed with the the 80s, pops a boner for MIA, takes pictures at stupid angles, won't date women whose full ass doesn't fit into their clenched fists, claims to be an "artist" but probably works at Starbucks. Also has a REALLY complicated haircut.
"Bros"- Prone to wearing cargo shorts and flip flops with a ridiculous cocked baseball hat. Listens to Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews, but likes booty rap because it gets the nasty, herpes infested bitches to shake their minimal anorexic asses when they're intoxicated, as it increases their chances of "scoring" with one of them. Has the I.Q. of a grapefruit. Actually, I've met smarter grapefruits to be honest.
Bookish Type - These people claim to be more concerned with books and flaunting their book knowledge. Similar to the hipster in make and model, but the bookish type have a tendency to be (if possible) a tad more pretentious than the hipster. I think they probably buy the majority of their books to scatter about their apartments to make them look smarter. Probably has a cat.
Musicians - I have GOT to get away from these people. I've written about them before, how they think their band is amazing, and everything they touch turns to gold. If that is the case, then why do you still live with your mother? Why aren't you out touring the world? Also, I really hate that they think because I'm a girl I don't know anything about music. At all. I'm tired of this. I've been listening to craploads of music since birth practically, and while I may not know about some shitty 77 punk band that makes you pop a woody, that doesn't mean I'm stupid. That just means I hate 77 punk. Or you.
So, as you can see, I have issues with most types of men. Granted, there are aspects of each that I don't really mind. Bros can be funny, hipsters can be intelligent (rarely), the bookish type can be great conversationalists, and musicians can give you some decent recommendations. So, a hybrid of all these types would work fine I guess, but I don't think such a man exists.
But the truth is, I've been alone for so long that I don't know any differently. I can't imagine myself being in a long term, steady relationship. I don't know if I have the guts for it. I kind of LIKE being single. I don't have to deal with extra drama or an unhappy boyfriend who's mad that fell asleep alone on the couch instead of partying with him and his goofy friends.
I'm also sort of ashamed of the way I look. I feel weird in public a lot. I don't want people to look at me, and everyone looks at the obnoxious couple and the last thing I want is for them to say "How did SHE get HIM?"
I know I shouldn't care about what people think, but it's all I can do. I do care, especially when I don't even feel confident in public on my own. When I was with Kabir, that's the ONLY thing I could think about. He was way too attractive for me.
How do I figure this all out without settling and getting stuck with some guy that will probably end up dead if he stays with me? Should I just be alone?
Signs point to yes.
As Garth Algar once said "I need to be comfortable with me first."
You look at certain people and they fit. I don't fit really. I can be so judgmental and picky that I haven't met a single guy in all of Illinois that doesn't make my skin crawl in some way. I tend let a lot slide when I'm somewhat attracted to someone physically. I fully aware that NO ONE is perfect, but when someone secretly annoys you and you're trying to build Rome for the sake of walking down the streets of it, you might as well use plywood and Gorilla glue. It won't have a good foundation. I can't BUILD a foundation with someone whom I want to secretly strangle when they sleep over.
Then the other problem is, I still don't believe that the bulk of society thinks I'm a catch, even though I know I am. I'm relatively normal. I don't have any issues with my parents, I have a job, I'm working for a degree, I have my own place, I have a heap of a car (but a car nonetheless), I like good music, and art, and other things that intrigue people.
But here in Chicago there several types and EVERY guy I've met fits into one of these categories:
The pretentious assface hipster clown-Prone to wearing skinny jeans, obsessed with the the 80s, pops a boner for MIA, takes pictures at stupid angles, won't date women whose full ass doesn't fit into their clenched fists, claims to be an "artist" but probably works at Starbucks. Also has a REALLY complicated haircut.
"Bros"- Prone to wearing cargo shorts and flip flops with a ridiculous cocked baseball hat. Listens to Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews, but likes booty rap because it gets the nasty, herpes infested bitches to shake their minimal anorexic asses when they're intoxicated, as it increases their chances of "scoring" with one of them. Has the I.Q. of a grapefruit. Actually, I've met smarter grapefruits to be honest.
Bookish Type - These people claim to be more concerned with books and flaunting their book knowledge. Similar to the hipster in make and model, but the bookish type have a tendency to be (if possible) a tad more pretentious than the hipster. I think they probably buy the majority of their books to scatter about their apartments to make them look smarter. Probably has a cat.
Musicians - I have GOT to get away from these people. I've written about them before, how they think their band is amazing, and everything they touch turns to gold. If that is the case, then why do you still live with your mother? Why aren't you out touring the world? Also, I really hate that they think because I'm a girl I don't know anything about music. At all. I'm tired of this. I've been listening to craploads of music since birth practically, and while I may not know about some shitty 77 punk band that makes you pop a woody, that doesn't mean I'm stupid. That just means I hate 77 punk. Or you.
So, as you can see, I have issues with most types of men. Granted, there are aspects of each that I don't really mind. Bros can be funny, hipsters can be intelligent (rarely), the bookish type can be great conversationalists, and musicians can give you some decent recommendations. So, a hybrid of all these types would work fine I guess, but I don't think such a man exists.
But the truth is, I've been alone for so long that I don't know any differently. I can't imagine myself being in a long term, steady relationship. I don't know if I have the guts for it. I kind of LIKE being single. I don't have to deal with extra drama or an unhappy boyfriend who's mad that fell asleep alone on the couch instead of partying with him and his goofy friends.
I'm also sort of ashamed of the way I look. I feel weird in public a lot. I don't want people to look at me, and everyone looks at the obnoxious couple and the last thing I want is for them to say "How did SHE get HIM?"
I know I shouldn't care about what people think, but it's all I can do. I do care, especially when I don't even feel confident in public on my own. When I was with Kabir, that's the ONLY thing I could think about. He was way too attractive for me.
How do I figure this all out without settling and getting stuck with some guy that will probably end up dead if he stays with me? Should I just be alone?
Signs point to yes.
As Garth Algar once said "I need to be comfortable with me first."