I hate this
If hell existed, It would be my life. Its hard to relate to someone if it hasn't happened to you, and maybe it isn't but its hard to fully understand. I'm so tired of being told that i'm the one thats constantly fucking up when my mom isn't even sober a majority of the time. I'm tired of my mom comparing alcoholism to smoking weed. Or trying to tell me that alcohol isn't a fucking drug. Its a drug, its one of the most addicting drugs there is. ALCOHOL ADDICTION IS ONE OF THE TWO DRUGS THAT CAN CAUSE DEATH FROM WITHDRAWL, its is not marijuana.
I'm tired of my mom being so completely close minded and blind to any faults she has, but dumb blonde sort of naive where she actually knows exactly what she's doing just acts stupid towards it.
I wish there were more people that fully could relate to everything i'm saying but there isn't. because everyone has their own problems. I can't tell if its fortunate or unfortunate that my only problem in my whole life thats preventing me from being completely satisfied, not 100 happy, but satisfied with life is my alcoholic mom, and the only reason why it hurts so bad to see her in conditions she gets in, is because I love her so damn much.
fuck. I hate feeling sorry and pathetic. I hate feeling tiny because my mom tells me everything is my fault even when Iknow its not. I especially hate feeling ilke the only person in the world I have to talk to is my livejournal because honestly, no one could ever understand. Much like I could never understand other issues.
I wish sean was able to be contacted right now, at least i'd be talked down to a sanity I can somewhat handle.. maybe even appriciate.
right now I feel like i'm this time bomb that just exploded and is just an emptey shell that landed but did no harm, or any dent in the situation at all. I probably just made it worse. FUCK being physically afraid of my mother. fuck getting my toes stepped on by a fatty cowboy boot and FUCK my mom making me feel this shitty about myself. I hate being angry. I hate having hate when there is so much to love. I hate going in mind loops of how sorry I feel for myself and how pathetic it is that I feel sorry for myself and then being angry that I feel pathetic for feeling sorry for myself.
honestly, fuck. at neast this rant has stopped me from crying, now i'm just angry.
smoke a bowl to that.
I'm tired of my mom being so completely close minded and blind to any faults she has, but dumb blonde sort of naive where she actually knows exactly what she's doing just acts stupid towards it.
I wish there were more people that fully could relate to everything i'm saying but there isn't. because everyone has their own problems. I can't tell if its fortunate or unfortunate that my only problem in my whole life thats preventing me from being completely satisfied, not 100 happy, but satisfied with life is my alcoholic mom, and the only reason why it hurts so bad to see her in conditions she gets in, is because I love her so damn much.
fuck. I hate feeling sorry and pathetic. I hate feeling tiny because my mom tells me everything is my fault even when Iknow its not. I especially hate feeling ilke the only person in the world I have to talk to is my livejournal because honestly, no one could ever understand. Much like I could never understand other issues.
I wish sean was able to be contacted right now, at least i'd be talked down to a sanity I can somewhat handle.. maybe even appriciate.
right now I feel like i'm this time bomb that just exploded and is just an emptey shell that landed but did no harm, or any dent in the situation at all. I probably just made it worse. FUCK being physically afraid of my mother. fuck getting my toes stepped on by a fatty cowboy boot and FUCK my mom making me feel this shitty about myself. I hate being angry. I hate having hate when there is so much to love. I hate going in mind loops of how sorry I feel for myself and how pathetic it is that I feel sorry for myself and then being angry that I feel pathetic for feeling sorry for myself.
honestly, fuck. at neast this rant has stopped me from crying, now i'm just angry.
smoke a bowl to that.