Actual entry? Oh snap!
First of all: New phone - new phone number. Contact me for it... since I've learned how smart it is to put your information anywhere online.
Anyway.... I was supposed to do a second photo post, and I will... but blah. It really amazes me how people (myself included) react in times of desperation. The worse a situation gets... the worse our demeanor about it gets... so we say "fuck it" and don't do anything to help the situation.... so the situation gets worse... so our demeanor gets worse, and so on. We're really ridiculous animals. Our instincts go right for making whatever is bad in our own lives worse... and even if you can see it happening, it's still almost impossible to stop. If we need someone, we make them miserable. We all do it... I've done it... and even if you can say in your head "stop yelling... you're only yelling because you're scared.... just fucking admit you're scared and you need this person in your life to help" you can't just... stop. It's instinctual self-destruction. We no no one is infinitely patient. We know we will eventually push everyone important to us away. We do it anyway... some part of us longs to be miserable. The more people I meet... who live so disappointed with how their lives have turned out... realizing that, at 50, at 60, nothing is going to change. This is it. We do it to ourselves. We all ruin our own lives.
It, personally, scares the hell out of me.
Everyone likes to sit and quote teen suicide rates... yeah, they're ridiculously high in this country, we get it. But what no one likes to talk about is that the highest age group killing themselves today aren't the mopey teens in silly make-up... it's 50-60 year olds. They keep saying "stick with it".... they've been telling me "stick with it" ever since the... unpleasantness that happened a few years ago. But a fantastically huge group of people stick with it... for half a century... and apparently, still find nothing about living really all that worth it. Divorce rates climb. Suicide in people over 70 is spiking dramatically. People are miserable. And you wonder... why am I fighting for this? Why am I breaking myself trying to become one of these people? What's really worth it about joining this situation... becoming another face in an ocean of unhappy faces.
I realize how this sounds... no, I'm not about to go suck off a shotgun... I'm just frustrated. And every time I find myself here, finding so little left worth fighting for, and all anyone can say is "stick with it, things will get better"... I can't help but think of these things. And god forbid I say something... really really talk about how scared, and lonely, and frustrated we all really are... and I get answered with "stop being goth," or "you're just having trouble dealing with being sick," or my personal favorite, "have you been taking your pills honey?" No, this has nothing to do with the stupid subculture I flirt with, and yes, I'm still taking my pills, fuck you on both counts. But maybe this is just stemming from being sick. Realizing I'm going to be living this way for the rest of my life... checking blood levels, injecting insulin, every fucking day until I die.
"It's all about attitude. You're not dying from the disease. You're living with the disease. Until it kills you."
Maybe that's just fucking with my demeanor. Maybe I'm just scared because all I have keeps slipping away and I am left without any way to stop it. Maybe Mars is intersecting Virgo... I don't fucking know why all this is on my mind this morning. I don't know what is making me discuss the futility of life over a bowl of bran and skim milk. Maybe it's the bran... who knows. All I know is that things really, really, really suck at the moment... and I'm really struggling to find reason to keep fighting... and struggling to find anything more to say than "stick with it."
Anyway.... I was supposed to do a second photo post, and I will... but blah. It really amazes me how people (myself included) react in times of desperation. The worse a situation gets... the worse our demeanor about it gets... so we say "fuck it" and don't do anything to help the situation.... so the situation gets worse... so our demeanor gets worse, and so on. We're really ridiculous animals. Our instincts go right for making whatever is bad in our own lives worse... and even if you can see it happening, it's still almost impossible to stop. If we need someone, we make them miserable. We all do it... I've done it... and even if you can say in your head "stop yelling... you're only yelling because you're scared.... just fucking admit you're scared and you need this person in your life to help" you can't just... stop. It's instinctual self-destruction. We no no one is infinitely patient. We know we will eventually push everyone important to us away. We do it anyway... some part of us longs to be miserable. The more people I meet... who live so disappointed with how their lives have turned out... realizing that, at 50, at 60, nothing is going to change. This is it. We do it to ourselves. We all ruin our own lives.
It, personally, scares the hell out of me.
Everyone likes to sit and quote teen suicide rates... yeah, they're ridiculously high in this country, we get it. But what no one likes to talk about is that the highest age group killing themselves today aren't the mopey teens in silly make-up... it's 50-60 year olds. They keep saying "stick with it".... they've been telling me "stick with it" ever since the... unpleasantness that happened a few years ago. But a fantastically huge group of people stick with it... for half a century... and apparently, still find nothing about living really all that worth it. Divorce rates climb. Suicide in people over 70 is spiking dramatically. People are miserable. And you wonder... why am I fighting for this? Why am I breaking myself trying to become one of these people? What's really worth it about joining this situation... becoming another face in an ocean of unhappy faces.
I realize how this sounds... no, I'm not about to go suck off a shotgun... I'm just frustrated. And every time I find myself here, finding so little left worth fighting for, and all anyone can say is "stick with it, things will get better"... I can't help but think of these things. And god forbid I say something... really really talk about how scared, and lonely, and frustrated we all really are... and I get answered with "stop being goth," or "you're just having trouble dealing with being sick," or my personal favorite, "have you been taking your pills honey?" No, this has nothing to do with the stupid subculture I flirt with, and yes, I'm still taking my pills, fuck you on both counts. But maybe this is just stemming from being sick. Realizing I'm going to be living this way for the rest of my life... checking blood levels, injecting insulin, every fucking day until I die.
"It's all about attitude. You're not dying from the disease. You're living with the disease. Until it kills you."
Maybe that's just fucking with my demeanor. Maybe I'm just scared because all I have keeps slipping away and I am left without any way to stop it. Maybe Mars is intersecting Virgo... I don't fucking know why all this is on my mind this morning. I don't know what is making me discuss the futility of life over a bowl of bran and skim milk. Maybe it's the bran... who knows. All I know is that things really, really, really suck at the moment... and I'm really struggling to find reason to keep fighting... and struggling to find anything more to say than "stick with it."