(no subject)
i came to quite the conclusion on wednesday night.im fifteen..."we" were sure as hell not going to last forever.sure he was great, he's a very good looking boy, and he made me smile. but ya know what, a lot of things make me smile. and i cant let the good memories consume the horrible things that hes done to me too. and i can't let my happiness depend on weather or not i talk to him, or if he smiles at me. im not putting myself out there for him anymore, im not goign to "earase him" or anything. if he calls me, IMs me or anything then GREAT. if he doesn't..hey-- ya win some you lose some. i don't know why it has taken me so long to realize this. but..it has. and ive had a tough last couple months, and when it gets tough, you just need someone to depend on. and i havent had that. in a way, its been good. i've learned so much about myself. i'm stronger than i thought i was, i don't need a boy, i simply need myself. i believe in myself a lot more, if i can handle my heart not working, personally, i think i can handle just about anything that comes along. i'm in highschool. i'm supposed to listen to z100 and really believe the song was written about me and whatever boy is on my mind, im supposed to think of my friends before anything, im supposed to care about my looks too much, im supposed to think ive fallen in love when in reality i do not understand what love even is, and im supposed to hate my body. so i guess im just a highschool kid. i blame all of my unruley emotions on these stupid birth control pills.